Every Day

I deal with anxiety every day. But, even as I write this...I realize..I'm (pretty much) okay with that. It has been interesting as I have learned more and more how to work with it instead of against it. I still have loads to learn, but it amazes me how much better I have gotten at dealing with it. Here are some things that help me:

1. I have found one of the best things for me when I start to feel anxious is to pay attention to my breathing. I am a religious person, and I fully believe that God sends His spirit (the Holy Ghost) to comfort us. When I feel anxious, I strive to breathe and pray to invite Heavenly Father's Spirit to comfort my heart. I am so thankful for this. I tell myself, "Just breathe. That's the only thing you have to do right now. Just breathe."

2. I have been learning not to fear the actual physical anxious feeling. Everyone may experience it a little differently, but I tend to feel my anxiety in my chest and sometimes in my legs (I know it sounds weird). I have started to almost "step back" from the feelings to observe them. When I step back, I realize this feeling that seemed so HUGE and SCARY is just a sort of pressure on my chest or a tightness in my legs. Like my mom has told me, "Remember, it's just a feeling."

3. I talk to myself. I'm not ashamed to say it! I often have to talk myself through things. I often say, "Everything is just fine. I'm feeling a little anxious, but that's okay." I tell myself to breathe. I tell myself I only have to do one thing at a time. I tell myself everything is going to be great. I tell myself that God loves me.

4. I try to validate my feelings a little bit. There are some things I get anxious about that are quite ridiculous or don't make any sense, but there are some things that are very normal to worry about. I try to tell myself, "It's okay to worry about <insert fear here>, but I don't need to let it debilitate me."

5. I try to give my brain time to rest. If I can tell my mind is starting to obsessively worry about something, I try to do something that doesn't take a lot of brain power: TV, solitaire, resting, taking a shower, surfing the internet, etc. I try not to waste a lot of time, but give my brain time to rest and recover.

6. I've talked about my quiet book before, it has helped me so many times. My quiet book is filled with quotes I have collected that really touch my heart. Most of mine are from religious leaders, but they can be quotes from anywhere. If I start to feel my mind get "cloudy" or I start to obsessively worry, I pull out my quiet book and read the quotes that are special to me.

7. I talk to others about it. One of the things that has helped me the most is talking about it. I used to hide my anxiety. I didn't want people to know about it. Now, I am very open about it. I try to communicate with my husband when I am having a hard time. I try to notice others I see struggling and talk to them about it. I blog about it. It really helps to talk. When I talk, I realize I'm not the only one who experiences these things.

I used to react to anxiety by trying to fight it. I would try to force my brain to think differently. I would get extremely tense, emotional, and unhappy. Now, I try to "go with the flow." I know the anxiety will pass, so I try to calmly deal with it until it subsides. Sometimes it's hard, but it is very doable.

I can't lie, I often imagine what it would be like to have anxiety completely out of my life. But, until then, I can use the things I've learned to live with anxiety and still be very happy.  

A page from my Quiet Book

Let It Go

There aren't a lot of movies that we spend money on to go see in the theater. Usually, we just wait until the movie comes to Redbox. But, occasionally there are movies that are too good to pass up the ginormous screen for. Disney's Frozen is one of those movies. I would even go to the theater more than once! Now that is rare.

 

Because I have anxiety and depression and I blog about it, I often find links and connections between things in life or portrayed in movies and depression. In this movie, it was the song, "Let it Go." A little background, Elsa (one of the main characters) was born with an incredible power (some call it a curse) to create snow and ice with the flick of her hand. As a child, she and her sister, Anna, would play in the snow that Elsa created. Then, one day, Elsa accidentally injures Anna with her power. It is after that that she is told she must keep her powers a secret. She can't let anyone know what she can do. She is told she must be strong and "not feel." In order to keep her sister and others safe, Elsa stays shut in her room for years trying to learn how to control her power. 

 

What I found interesting, was that the more she tried to hide and control it, the worse it became. The more she told herself to not feel, the more uncontrollable the power became.  

 

After a series of events, there is a moment when Elsa is unable to control her power in front of a large group of people. They find out about her powers and many consider her a "monster." In order to keep others safe, she runs away to a high mountain. It is here that she finds happiness as she "Lets it Go." (And sings an absolutely INCREDIBLE song, seriously, if you want chills, listen to it) On this mountain, she is able to use her powers without worry. She builds amazing and beautiful things. She creates a gorgeous castle from ice and finally feels free.

 

But what had changed? Why were her powers doing amazing things now? Why were they not hurting anyone? Why? Because she stopped worrying about it, and let it go. She stopped trying to control and hide her powers and let them go.    

 

I have been the person sitting in my room before, clenching my eyes tightly trying to control the thoughts in my mind. Trying to force things in and out, trying to keep it in and fix my insides. I've been the person to wait months before I told loved ones how much I was struggling in fear of embarrassment. I have been the person crying and wondering what happened to my life and wondering why I can't just fix everything in my head. I have been the girl who shut loved ones out in fear of hurting them. I have been the one trying to control my mind and make it do what I want.

 

I have also been the girl to "Let it Go." It's easier said than done, but I have found that I can let it go. This blog is one way that I do that. I write about it. I try to not keep it hidden. I try to let it go. As I have mentioned before, talking about it helps so much.

 

When I was younger and I would worry non-stop about things, my mom told me to "float." What she meant was, imagine yourself in the clouds or in water, and just float. Whenever a worry comes to your mind, just float. Don't fight it, just float. Just breathe and remember, they are just thoughts. Float. This is another way I let it go.

 

As I let it go, I find myself closer to my loved ones, not further away. While some people may not understand depression, (and I don't blame them, it's weird!) I have come to not be afraid of people knowing I deal with it.

 

When I let it go, my anxiety and depression can actually do beautiful things, such as this blog. My anxiety and depression have made me a much more compassionate and kind person. They have taught me not to judge others. When I let it go, my "curse" can actually be a beautiful thing.

 

"Let It Go"

 

"Couldn’t keep it in, Heaven knows I tried. Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. Well now they know! Let it go! Can’t hold it in anymore.

I don’t care what they’re going to say, let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway.

The fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all.

Here I stand in the light of day, let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway." 

Living With a Black Dog: Part 1

I heard about this book from my mom and sister,

"Living With a Black Dog: His Name is Depression." By: Matthew Johnstone.

I had read it a few years ago, but that was before I had many experiences with anxiety/depression myself. When I read it a few years ago, it helped me to understand what my loved ones were going through a little bit better. Now that I live with anxiety/depression myself, the book has become like a security blanket. It reminds me that I am not crazy.
About a week ago, I read through it for the first time in a few years. As I read it, I found my self nodding, completely understanding what the author wrote. It is written with simplicity, accuracy, and genuinely. It is sincere and sweet.
I hope to share with not just this, but also other posts on how I (and you) can identify with the things the author writes in this book.
The author got the idea for this book from Winston Churchill. Churchill used the term "Black dog" to describe his depression. The author of this book uses pictures and words to put Churchill's term to life. It helps you understand yourself and others better.
One of the pages says,

"Doing anything or going anywhere with [the black dog] requires superhuman strength."
 

I have felt this in my life several times. I remember about a year ago (before Jordan and I were married) calling my mom from the College's parking lot in tears. I just felt like I couldn't go to school anymore. It was too hard. I was convinced I couldn't do it. I couldn't take this big, slobbering, smelly black dog with me to school any more. It was too hard. My mom talked me through it and I made it through that semester, dog and all.

I guess what I want to say today is, the black dog (anxiety/depression) isn't you, it is just something that decides to be a part of your life sometimes. Through time, you can learn how to love life again, even with an ugly black dog.  

Broken Garage Door from Heaven

For a long time before we were married, Jordan was the only one I would talk to about my anxiety. He encouraged me to open up about to my family. Especially my mom and sister. After a little while, and after talking to Jordan, I felt it would be a good decision to talk to a doctor about it. I talked to my mom and she said she would call a doctor that she has been to that she really respects and trusts. I was scared, but also ready to receive some medical help. My mom called and said that they would probably be able to get me in the next week. Around a day or two later, I was feeling very anxious and was wishing I could get to the doctor sooner. I woke up and decided to say a prayer. I prayed that, if possible, I would be able to get to the doctor sooner than next week and also that I would be able to talk to Jordan somehow soon. A few minutes after I prayed, I heard our home phone ring. My mom answered. A few minutes later, she called up the stairs to me and told me they could get me in earlier. What!? A few minutes after that, my cell phone started to ring. It was Jordan. What!? He called and was headed to work late because his garage door had broken. God had time to help me with these small things I was in need of. When I told Jordan this story, he jokingly said, “Oh, so it’s your fault that my garage door broke?”    

How Can I Help My Loved One?

Everyone who has anxiety/depression experiences it a little bit differently. If you have a loved one with anxiety/depression it might be hard to know how to help them. I have found the things that have helped me are support, love, understanding, and conversation. When I am having a hard day, the best thing for Jordan to do is simply be there for me. Just holding me for a minute, giving me a kiss, or telling me he loves me and everything is going to be okay does a world of difference. He shows me he understands by being patient and not judging me. The truth is, he can't just make it disappear, but he can help me to work through it and feel happy and rejuvenated again. There have been days when I was so upset and Jordan felt like he didn't know what to do. On one particular day, he said, "Do you want to go visit your mom?" I said yes, so he drove me to my mom's and sat and talked with my dad while I was able to talk with my mom about things going on in my head. Jordan was able to recognize I needed to talk to my mom on that day. I am so grateful for his sensitivity and love.
The best advice I can give to someone who has a loved one who is suffering from anxiety/depression is to simply love the person and let them know you do. Just being there for them can make a world of difference. Lovingly tell them that you are not going to give up on them and they are going to be okay.

Where Did I Go?

For a long time I was worried that anxiety had taken my identity away from me. In High School, I was always the girl with the loud laugh who was always smiling. When I was hit with anxiety I would see people who I used to be like and almost get angry. Their perkiness would cause me to pull into my shell and want to hide. I would think, "I remember when I used to be like that, in the middle of the conversations, quick to come up with a witty comment, and friendly to everyone." I felt like I was losing myself. There were things I used to find great joy in that I had no interest in anymore. It scared me. My anxiety would make me feel like I didn't want to talk to anyone I didn't know. I was uncomfortable in rooms with a lot of people.
I remember one night telling my mom, "I don't feel like myself." (She has been through similar things even on a deeper level than I have.) The neatest thing was she totally understood what I meant. She told me,

"I know you don't believe me right now, but trust me. You will feel like yourself again."

I didn't believe her then. I wanted to, but it seemed impossible.

It wasn't easy. I went through a lot of tears, anguish, fears, etc. and I still do. But, the more time that passes, the more I feel like myself. It is interesting though, because even though I feel like myself again, I am different than I was before. I am more aware of the people around me. I have a more forgiving heart and I am much more accepting of others. Before anxiety, I was very judgmental. I am still working on it, but I have learned to give people the benefit of the doubt. Before, I found a lot of pleasure in being the loud and funny one in a group. That is not necessarily bad, but it may not be the best choice on the list of good, better, and best. I still love to be funny and have a good time, and I am still known for my ear-drum breaking laugh, but I have developed in ways I couldn't imagine before. Anxiety didn't take my identity away from me, it just molded me in new ways. I was afraid I had lost myself, that I was just going to watch my life pass by, but this hasn't happened. Having anxiety has helped me to appreciate the wonderful things even more. I have had hard days, but life is still good.