Living With a Black Dog: Part 3

Every time I read this book by Matthew Johnstone, I am amazed at the accuracy the author has in describing exactly how depression can cause you to feel. A page that hit me today says,

"People who've had a Black Dog in their lives often say that in retrospect, 'the Dog' probably had been sniffing around for a long time. They just didn't have the understanding and knowledge to give it a name."

It took me a long time to realize what was going on in my life. Depression was one of those things that only happened to "other people." I didn't think it was something that could happen to me. When I realized what it was, my world began to change. It didn't make it go away, but it helped me to understand it and realize I wasn't broken (even though I felt like it).
I was scared to realize I had depression. There are so many unknowns and things that are hard to understand. I guess that is why I talk and blog about it. Expressing my experiences and hearing about the things others have been through helps me to understand it better.
What I have learned is that depression and anxiety are a part of my life at times, but they do not define me.

Read parts one and two of "Living With a Black Dog"

Questions about taking medicine for anxiety/depression? I had them too, read about it here.

Anxiety in the Morning

Sometimes mornings can be rough. In "Living With a Black Dog" Matthew Johnstone says, "When you're irritable, exhausted, and brimming with self-doubt, the Black Dog [anxiety/depression] likes nothing more than to visit you in the wee hours of the morning and remind you of these things." Many mornings when I wake up, I can feel anxiety in my body (often in my legs...I know, it's weird). I used to think, "Oh great, here comes another long day." Recently I've tried to just breathe in the mornings. When I feel the anxiety in my body, I tell myself just to breathe. Usually, once I get moving and getting ready for the day, the feelings of anxiety fade, and I am able to have a great day. Last summer, my job required me to be there at six in the morning. I would often wake up feeling the anxiety all throughout me. I would just tell myself to breathe, get up, get dressed, and get going. Trying to remain positive helped so much. If you have a hard time in the mornings, know you aren't alone, and a hard or difficult morning can still lead to a good day.

Medication?

When people hear about medication for the brain, there can be a lot of negative stereotypes. When I first heard that some of my loved ones were going to be taking medication for their anxiety/depression, it worried me. I was afraid they were going to be "fake happy." I think this is a worry a lot of people have. Will I be dependent on the medication if I start taking it? Deciding to take or not take medication is a very personal decision, so I am not writing this post to tell you that you should or shouldn't take medicine. I am just writing what I understand about it and what has worked for me.
I was worried about taking medicine for a couple of reasons, the first I already mentioned, I was afraid I would be "fake happy." I was afraid that the medicine would make me "happy" and that I wouldn't be able to be "happy" without it. Second, I was afraid that if I started taking medicine it meant I was giving up on my prayers. I thought if I took medicine, it meant I wasn't trusting God with my problem. Third, I was afraid if I did start taking medicine it wouldn't help me, and then I would be hopeless. I learned a lot of things, first, I learned that the medicine doesn't make you "fake happy." When I met with the doctor, he explained to me that the medicine helps you clear your head. It doesn't put you on a "high." The medicine simply helps you to think more clearly, he described them as "vitamins for the brain." Second, I learned that by taking medicine, I was not giving up on my prayers or not trusting God. I realized that if I were physically sick, I would pray to get better AND take medicine for it. By taking medication, I am not giving up on God, I am simply helping myself as much as I can as I ask for His help. Third, I learned that the medicine is not meant to take all my anxiety away, it just helps me manage it better. It helps me to be myself.
I have been taking medicine for a few months now. It helps me, but I have never felt like I must have it in order to be happy or to enjoy life. I just helps me on my journey.
If you feel it is right, you can talk to a trusted doctor about it. Medication is something to be taken seriously, never abuse it.
Here is another word of wisdom from "Living With a Black Dog" by Matthew Johnstone,
"You will also learn that there are many different ways to treat a Black Dog [anxiety/depression], but there is no such thing as a quick fix or magic pill. Medication may be on part of an approach for some, but for others there might be a different method altogether."
I was also afraid to take medicine because I thought it might be embarrassing. One day, my dad told me, "There is no shame in taking medication." Those words have stuck with me.

Living With a Black Dog: Part 2

Here I am again to talk about this wonderful book written by Matthew Johnstone,

"Living With a Black Dog: His Name is Depression." (To read Part 1, click here.)

I wanted to focus today on the page of this book that says, 

"A Black Dog may try to convince you that if you ever tell anyone about him, you will be judged. The truth is, being emotionally genuine with close friends and family can make all the difference in the world. Letting the Dog out is far better than keeping him in."

When I first started being affected by anxiety/depression heavily, I was afraid to tell anyone except my husband (then, boyfriend). I was afraid of being judged. I was afraid people would think I was weak and didn't have any self control. He encouraged me to talk to my family and friends about it when appropriate. When I opened up to my family, it was amazing how much it helped me. As I have stated in other posts, I learned the more I talked about my anxiety, the smaller it became. I grew closer to my family and close friends as I opened up to them. Through this blog I have grown and learned of so many other people who have had similar experiences and feelings to me. (I love hearing from you guys!)

Even if it is hard, try to open up about your feelings to someone you trust. Opening up to someone can build a stronger relationship and help you work through your anxiety/depression.

Living With a Black Dog: Part 1

I heard about this book from my mom and sister,

"Living With a Black Dog: His Name is Depression." By: Matthew Johnstone.

I had read it a few years ago, but that was before I had many experiences with anxiety/depression myself. When I read it a few years ago, it helped me to understand what my loved ones were going through a little bit better. Now that I live with anxiety/depression myself, the book has become like a security blanket. It reminds me that I am not crazy.
About a week ago, I read through it for the first time in a few years. As I read it, I found my self nodding, completely understanding what the author wrote. It is written with simplicity, accuracy, and genuinely. It is sincere and sweet.
I hope to share with not just this, but also other posts on how I (and you) can identify with the things the author writes in this book.
The author got the idea for this book from Winston Churchill. Churchill used the term "Black dog" to describe his depression. The author of this book uses pictures and words to put Churchill's term to life. It helps you understand yourself and others better.
One of the pages says,

"Doing anything or going anywhere with [the black dog] requires superhuman strength."
 

I have felt this in my life several times. I remember about a year ago (before Jordan and I were married) calling my mom from the College's parking lot in tears. I just felt like I couldn't go to school anymore. It was too hard. I was convinced I couldn't do it. I couldn't take this big, slobbering, smelly black dog with me to school any more. It was too hard. My mom talked me through it and I made it through that semester, dog and all.

I guess what I want to say today is, the black dog (anxiety/depression) isn't you, it is just something that decides to be a part of your life sometimes. Through time, you can learn how to love life again, even with an ugly black dog.