It Has a Name

I remember where I was sitting when I gave the things that were happening inside my head a name.

We often think that things only happen to other people. That is what I thought about anxiety and depression. Other people have that...I don't. I had a wonderful life, a loving family, a great boyfriend (now my husband), a solid spiritual foundation, a job I enjoyed, and supportive friends. Why would I have depression? It didn't make sense.

I was sitting in my 1995 Toyota Corolla. I was sobbing. For some strange reason, I thought my world was falling apart. I felt like I was in a fog that I couldn't get out of. I was talking to Jordan on the phone, and I finally gave it a name. I said something along the lines of:

"It's like my mind is sick. It's like something isn't working correctly. It's like...depression."

I think I had thought it in my head before, but I had never said it out loud. It's incredible what can happen when you realize that is what it is. I am not broken, my mind is just struggling. I am not crazy, my brain is just out of balance. I will not be like this forever, I can get through it.

It still helps me to get through. Sometimes I still start to believe that I am crazy. I start to believe I can't get out of the fog. With the help of God and others, I always do. When I am able to remember that depression is something I sometimes have, it isn't who I am, I feel so much hope.

God loves us, and life is good!

That Looming Feeling...

I am having a wonderful Summer. I am really enjoying my job, working in the yard, trying to keep the house clean, and getting to spend time with my hubby, family, and friends. Evenings are free to be spent relaxing and enjoying time with loved ones. Along with the the summertime fun is the looming reminder that school starts soon. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy learning and know it will be totally worth it, I just know it comes with a lot of hard work, stress, and anxiety. This will be my last year, and the 2 semesters will be packed with hours of student teaching, preparing, planning, and homework. The thought of it is overwhelming and a bit scary. I also know I can do it. I have so much support and the results of the hard work is a diploma! I am sure there will be lots of prayers, some tears, late nights, and goals reached. Can't wait to be class of 2014!

"We Need Not Live in Fear"

I don't think it was coincidence that one of my Facebook friends decided to post this quote the other day. It was exactly what I needed to read. Isn't cool how that happens? Tender mercies.

The Lord wants to help us in our lives. He won't make our choices for us, but He will guide us if we let Him. I am learning to quiet my fears by opening my heart to the Lord and His Spirit. Sometimes fear can consume me. As I learn to breathe and trust the Lord, my fears shrink. I am not perfect at it, there are times I still get consumed, but He is teaching me how to overcome. His love is so much greater than my fears!


My sister had a baby last night! It is incredible how little people cause you to look at the world so differently. He is a sweet spirit straight from heaven. We are so grateful that he is the newest member of our family! 

Breathing

For some reason, the last few days I have had to remind myself to just breathe. Sometimes it just happens. I start to remind myself of all the things I'm not perfect at, the things I could improve on and I get overwhelmed. I get stressed and start to feel myself close off.
I try to remind myself just to breathe. That's the only thing I needto do. Just breathe.
Life is good!

Life's Little Anxiety Moments

Anxiety is a very serious thing, but if I'm being honest, there can be some humor found in it. I thought I would share today some of the silly things that sometimes cause me to feel some anxiety...

1. When my cell phone is almost dead. Seriously, that little tiny red mark on the battery does it to me every time.

2. When that little orange light comes on. Maybe if gas was 25 cents a gallon this wouldn't be so stressful!

 3. A sink full of dishes. AHHH! I don't like doing dishes, but I don't like a full sink even more.

4. Traffic. Need I say more? Especially if my cell phone is almost dead and my tank is almost empty.

5. Weeds. Why? Why can't all plants be flowers and trees?

While there are many big and small things that give me anxiety, I have come to learn that tanks get full, gardens get weeded, and intersections clear up. 

Living With a Black Dog: Part 3

Every time I read this book by Matthew Johnstone, I am amazed at the accuracy the author has in describing exactly how depression can cause you to feel. A page that hit me today says,

"People who've had a Black Dog in their lives often say that in retrospect, 'the Dog' probably had been sniffing around for a long time. They just didn't have the understanding and knowledge to give it a name."

It took me a long time to realize what was going on in my life. Depression was one of those things that only happened to "other people." I didn't think it was something that could happen to me. When I realized what it was, my world began to change. It didn't make it go away, but it helped me to understand it and realize I wasn't broken (even though I felt like it).
I was scared to realize I had depression. There are so many unknowns and things that are hard to understand. I guess that is why I talk and blog about it. Expressing my experiences and hearing about the things others have been through helps me to understand it better.
What I have learned is that depression and anxiety are a part of my life at times, but they do not define me.

Read parts one and two of "Living With a Black Dog"

Questions about taking medicine for anxiety/depression? I had them too, read about it here.

Musical Number...Part 2

This song is so good, I had to split it into a couple of different parts to make sure I felt I had given it justice. (To read Part 1 click here.)

The chorus of the song goes like this,

"He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words

Could take away your sorrow

And no human eyes could see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you."

Anxiety and depression can be hard because a lot of times you can't tell someone is going through it on the outside. If you were physically sick, you would have people asking how you are feeling or bringing you "Get well!" cards, but when you are mentally sick, there may be very few or even no people who know your situation. Further still, many people (not because of a fault of their own) don't understand anxiety and depression. They may think you are just going through a phase or that it is "all in your head."
This song reminds me that Jesus understands. Even when it seems like nothing on earth can help, Jesus can.