“Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend.”
Shortly after my baby was born, my friend brought me a frame with
this quote in it. She knew I was struggling a bit with postpartum depression
and came to lend me her love and support. While you might think this post is
about
postpartum depression, I am actually steering it in a different direction
(although that topic is very worthy of conversation that will probably come in
the future).
Ever since I was born, I have been taught that I am a child of God and
that He loves me very much. The quote above has touched my heart, but I feel I
have gotten a greater understanding of it since I became a mom.
One of the first nights we came home from the hospital, I was looking
at my sleeping little boy and I had tears streaming down my face. When my
husband asked me what was wrong, I responded, “Nothing, I just love him so much.” While I was still a bit
hormonal, the love I feel for him is so real and so strong.
When I think of him and his little mind, it occurs to me that, similar
to the quote above, he can’t even comprehend right now how much I love him. He
knows I hug him, kiss him, feed him, and change his diaper. I pray he feels
safe in my arms and feels that this person who is with him all day every day is
someone who thinks he is very special.
Then I think of all the things he can’t comprehend yet.
He can’t yet comprehend that I carried him for 9 months and delivered
him. He doesn’t know how many times I googled things to make sure I could take
a certain medicine while I was pregnant or to make sure something that was
happening to me was normal. He doesn’t know how terrified and excited both his
dad and I were in the delivery room. He doesn’t know I counted down the days to
his birth and doodled his name on post-it notes over and over again. He doesn’t
know that the password to my computer was his name.
He doesn’t know that his dad and I went college and to work for years
to prepare to earn money so we would be financially stable enough to welcome a
little person into the world. He doesn’t know yet that I have dreamed of being
a mom since I was a little girl.
He isn’t aware that I have called and visited his pediatrician several
times to make sure he is developing the way he should. He doesn’t know that
when he is in pain, I am in pain and wish I could take it away from him. He
can’t comprehend the bittersweet feeling I have when I realize how much he has
grown since we brought him home. He doesn’t know that the thousands of pictures
that are taken of him are so we can remember and preserve how sweet and
precious he is.
He doesn’t know that we pray for him every night. We pray he will feel
our love and our Heavenly Father’s love for him.
He doesn’t know that we pay a bill every month towards our mortgage for
the home that he lives in, the water in his formula and baths, and the
electricity. He doesn’t know that after he falls asleep, we have a baby monitor
to hear if he cries and make sure he is okay. He doesn’t know the planning that
went into his first and middle name. He doesn’t know how much more carefully I
drive ever since he was born.
He doesn’t know that there were millions of little pieces that needed
to fall into place to bring him here: his dad and I getting married, both sets of
our parents getting married, the grandparents, great grandparents, and the list
goes on and on.
He doesn’t know that his dad and I have sacrificed some things just for
him: sleep, vacations, free time. He doesn’t know that carrying him changed the
way my body looks and I am trying to learn not to be self-conscious about it.
He doesn’t know that I think of his future constantly. One year, three
years, twenty years. He doesn’t know that I yearn to keep him little while
feeling so excited to watch him grow.
There are so many things my little man can’t comprehend yet. He has no
idea how much his dad and I love him. It is the same with our Father in Heaven.
We know He loves us, He sent His Son to die for us, and He created a beautiful
world for us to live in. We know those things, but our minds can’t even
comprehend HOW MUCH He really loves us.
What a lovely thought it is that such a magnificent Being cares about
us more than we can even imagine.
