What My Sweet Baby Has Taught Me About God's Love

“Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend.”

–Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Shortly after my baby was born, my friend brought me a frame with this quote in it. She knew I was struggling a bit with postpartum depression and came to lend me her love and support. While you might think this post is about postpartum depression, I am actually steering it in a different direction (although that topic is very worthy of conversation that will probably come in the future).

Ever since I was born, I have been taught that I am a child of God and that He loves me very much. The quote above has touched my heart, but I feel I have gotten a greater understanding of it since I became a mom.

One of the first nights we came home from the hospital, I was looking at my sleeping little boy and I had tears streaming down my face. When my husband asked me what was wrong, I responded, “Nothing, I just love him so much.” While I was still a bit hormonal, the love I feel for him is so real and so strong.

When I think of him and his little mind, it occurs to me that, similar to the quote above, he can’t even comprehend right now how much I love him. He knows I hug him, kiss him, feed him, and change his diaper. I pray he feels safe in my arms and feels that this person who is with him all day every day is someone who thinks he is very special.

Then I think of all the things he can’t comprehend yet.

He can’t yet comprehend that I carried him for 9 months and delivered him. He doesn’t know how many times I googled things to make sure I could take a certain medicine while I was pregnant or to make sure something that was happening to me was normal. He doesn’t know how terrified and excited both his dad and I were in the delivery room. He doesn’t know I counted down the days to his birth and doodled his name on post-it notes over and over again. He doesn’t know that the password to my computer was his name.

He doesn’t know that his dad and I went college and to work for years to prepare to earn money so we would be financially stable enough to welcome a little person into the world. He doesn’t know yet that I have dreamed of being a mom since I was a little girl.

He isn’t aware that I have called and visited his pediatrician several times to make sure he is developing the way he should. He doesn’t know that when he is in pain, I am in pain and wish I could take it away from him. He can’t comprehend the bittersweet feeling I have when I realize how much he has grown since we brought him home. He doesn’t know that the thousands of pictures that are taken of him are so we can remember and preserve how sweet and precious he is.

He doesn’t know that we pray for him every night. We pray he will feel our love and our Heavenly Father’s love for him.

He doesn’t know that we pay a bill every month towards our mortgage for the home that he lives in, the water in his formula and baths, and the electricity. He doesn’t know that after he falls asleep, we have a baby monitor to hear if he cries and make sure he is okay. He doesn’t know the planning that went into his first and middle name. He doesn’t know how much more carefully I drive ever since he was born.

He doesn’t know that there were millions of little pieces that needed to fall into place to bring him here: his dad and I getting married, both sets of our parents getting married, the grandparents, great grandparents, and the list goes on and on.

He doesn’t know that his dad and I have sacrificed some things just for him: sleep, vacations, free time. He doesn’t know that carrying him changed the way my body looks and I am trying to learn not to be self-conscious about it.

He doesn’t know that I think of his future constantly. One year, three years, twenty years. He doesn’t know that I yearn to keep him little while feeling so excited to watch him grow.

There are so many things my little man can’t comprehend yet. He has no idea how much his dad and I love him. It is the same with our Father in Heaven. We know He loves us, He sent His Son to die for us, and He created a beautiful world for us to live in. We know those things, but our minds can’t even comprehend HOW MUCH He really loves us.

What a lovely thought it is that such a magnificent Being cares about us more than we can even imagine. 

Anxiety & Depression: Girls Camp Challenge Course

I recently returned from Girls Camp. (Girls Camp is where LDS girls ages 12-18 go with their church leaders camping. There are fun things, spiritual experiences, etc. This was my first time going to Girl's Camp as a leader.)

One of the activities we did at Girls Camp was a Challenge Course. It consisted of climbing a rope ladder about 30-40 feet up, walking across a rickety bridge, and then zip lining to the ground again. While doing this, you are wearing a harness and helmet. There were couple missionaries who helped the girls through the entire course. It was 100% safe. If a girl were to lose her balance and fall, she would fall about 1 inch before she was caught. When girls would get nervous or scared, we would reassure them. "You aren't going to get hurt." "They have you." "If you fall, they will catch you." "You are in no danger."

Even though we reassured the girls, there were still some who struggled. When I did the course myself, I had to continue to tell myself that I could not fall. They had me. I was completely secure...Even though I KNEW this, it was still so scary! It took a lot of faith and trust to get through that course! I "randomly" found this quote a few hours after doing the challenge course. Right when I read it, it reminded me of the course I had completed and watched others complete just a few hours earlier.  

"The Savior said, 'Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you...Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid' (John 14:27). I submit to you, that may be one of the Savior's commandments that is, even in the hearts of otherwise faithful Latter-day Saints, almost universally disobeyed; and yet I wonder whether our resistance to this invitation could be any more grievous to the Lord's merciful heart. I can tell you this as a parent: as concerned as I would be if somewhere in their lives one of my children were seriously troubled or unhappy or disobedient, nevertheless I would be infinitely more devastated if I felt that at such a time that child could not trust me to help or thought his or her interest was unimportant to me or unsafe in my care. In that same spirit, I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when He finds that His people do not feel confident in His care of secure in His hands or trust in His commandments" -Jeffrey R. Holland ("Come Unto Me," Ensign, Apr. 1998, 19).

The missionaries running the course reassured us several times that the course was completely safe. When I was on the route, I had to decide if I was going to trust them, the others I had seen safely (and securely) cross the course, and others assuring me OR if I was going to believe the pounding fear in my mind. I had to choose faith over fear.

There was one point when I was on the course when I felt like I wasn't very secure. It was when I was crossing the rickety bridge high off the ground. I started to walk across, and it felt like I could easily fall. I had to remind myself that the missionaries were at the bottom holding that rope that was attached to me. Even though I couldn't feel the tension at that moment, they were watching me and would catch me instantly if I fell.

The missionaries go to a great extent to ensure the safety of all those using the course. I would assume that when people (like myself) are choosing to listen to their fears, the missionaries may feel a little frustrated. Their top priority is safety, and at times we choose to believe that we are going to get hurt on the course.

Like the quote above says, we are told in the scriptures over and over again not to fear. God is watching over us. Sometimes we might think He isn't there or that He doesn't care about us. But, just like the missionaries helping me through the course, God is always there even thought I may not always feel or think He is.

Sometimes, I allow my anxiety and depression to overcome my faith. Similar to when I couldn't feel the tension in the rope, I allow myself to think that God isn't there or that He doesn't care. This couldn't be further from the truth. He is always there, He is holding the rope to keep me (and you!) from falling.

General Conference April 2014

Photo courtesy of LDS.org

Every 6 months, the LDS church has a conference. The conference is held in the Conference Center in Salt Lake City, but it is broadcast all throughout the world and translated into several different languages. When I was a kid, I really like the conference because my mom and dad made it fun. They had us cut out pictures of what the speakers were talking about. If they talked about love, we would cut out a heart, if they talked about the scriptures, we would cut out a picture of a book, etc. As I got older, my notes contained less and less pictures, and more and more words. Conference weekend has turned into a special time for me and many members of the LDS church. It is a time to spend with family and learn together.

Six months ago, Elder Holland gave his talk about anxiety and depression. That talk has been a life line for me in my struggle with anxiety and depression. I remember listening to that talk and being glued to the TV. I am excited to hear what the Prophets and Apostles have to tell us this conference. Whether the talks apply to me generally or specifically, it is always a wonderful weekend.

Whether you watch Conference every 6 months, have watched it a few times, or have never watched, I would invite you to tune in and see what is said that applies to you.

To learn more about General Conference, click here.

"Like A Broken Vessel" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Part 4

I wanted to start this blog post with two quotes:

The first is from Elder Holland's talk:
"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

The second is a common inspirational quote:
"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."

I remember when I was deep in depression. I thought about the rope quote. I remember thinking, 'I've been hanging on for so long, I don't know if I can hang on much longer.' I remember praying and feeling like my words weren't leaving the room. Weeks later, I would think, 'I'm still hanging on this knot, barely.' It was hard. Even though it felt like my prayers weren't being answered, for some reason, I kept praying. Maybe it was because I have always been taught to pray, or because deep down, I knew He really was listening.

Sometimes I forget how much my Father in Heaven loves me. Elder Holland says He loves me (and you!) more than we can even comprehend. That is a lot! I think about the love I have for my family and friends, it is a huge amount of love. Heavenly Father loves me that much and infinitely more! That is hard for me to wrap my head around sometimes, but what a comfort it is! He loves me with a perfect love.

1 Nephi 11:17 says, "I know that He loveth His children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

We may not understand depression or other trials fully, but we know that God loves us.

Even when I thought He wasn't listening, He was there.

To read Elder Holland's full talk, please click here.

Read parts one, two, and three.

"Like a Broken Vessel" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Part 3

In talking about depression, Elder Holland stated, "...today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person's ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and thing more positively-though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!"

I hope if you know someone with anxiety or depression, you realize that they're not just choosing to feel that way. I can't really explain it, but for some reason, you can't choose to just "snap out of it." It's not just a bad day or a bad week, it is, as Elder Holland stated, "a crater in the mind."

I guess one small bit of advice I can give is that if you have anxiety or depression, don't feel guilty about it. I realize this is easier said than done, but try to remember that you aren't choosing to feel this way, it is just something you are dealing with for a time. Do your best, but realize your best may not be as much as you wish it could be at the moment. Remember you are doing the best you can and you should never feel you are a bad person because of your condition.

I remember when I was feeling very deep feelings of depression, I would see bubbly or enthusiastic people, and almost feel angry. I knew I had been a happy person who saw the glass "half full." At this time though, I felt like my class wasn't only half empty, but completely drained and dry. I felt guilty when I would see people enjoying life. I figured I was being ungrateful and letting my life waste away. As I've learned more about depression, I realize that you shouldn't ever feel guilt because of it. Just like the flu or diabetes, it doesn't make you less of a person, it is just something you experience. While I still have hard days and I can't say I am "over" depression, most days I can see the glass half full (and maybe even full to the brim!)

To read Elder Holland's full talk, click here.

To read parts 1 and 2 of this series, please click here and here.

"Like A Broken Vessel" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Part 2

In speaking on mental disorders, Elder Holland stated:

"However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."

Let's break this down:

"However bewildering this all may be..."
The dictionary defines bewildering as: "extremely confusing." I love his word choice. Mental disorders are so very confusing. As you struggle mentally, at times you may wonder why. You may be confused about why someone else is depressed or facing other mental challenges. Their life may seem perfect from the outside, but on the inside they feel like they are falling apart. Mental disorders confuse us by picking randomly who and when they will strike. It sounds a little crazy, but one of the best ways to understand mental disorders is to realize they don't make sense. They are bewildering. 

"...these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life..." 
My favorite word in this phrase is "realities". Depression and other mental disorders are real; they are a reality. You may try to convince yourself that you are just crazy or that you are making a big deal out of nothing. The truth is, mental disorders are real. While that can be scary, it is also comforting. Once you know what it is, there are so many things you can do to help yourself. I remember when I finally realized what was going on in my head. It had a name. The name was depression. Once I understood what it was, I felt like there was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders.

"...there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."
Because depression and other mental disorders are "bewildering," sometimes we may feel embarrassed to talk about them. We might think people will judge us. The truth is, we have no reason to be ashamed. Some people have physical weaknesses or sicknesses, others have mental struggles.  

I am so grateful to Elder Holland. He reminded me that the things I go through mentally are confusing, but very real. He also reminded me that I don't need to be ashamed of my struggles. 

To read his full talk, please click here.

"Like A Broken Vessel" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Part 1

"Like A Broken Vessel" was a talk given in the October 2013 General Conference. General Conference is an LDS (Mormon) conference that happens every 6 months. During the conference, Prophets, Apostles, and other church leaders speak to us. The conference spans over two days and is about 10 hours long (This may seem like a long time, but it goes by fast!).

The leaders talk about a variety of subjects. They aren't assigned, instead the leaders pray and ponder over what they choose to speak on. This conference Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a whole talk on mental disorders.

Right when he began to talk I was riveted.

It felt like Elder Holland was speaking directly to me. His words went straight to my heart. I thought of others I know who struggle with mental disorders and hoped they were listening too.

I knew this talk would be one I would need to read over and over again. The other day, (during class, it was a bit stressful and I just kind of checked out...don't tell my Professor) I read it again. I took notes on things I thought I could write about on my blog. The list went on and on. I hope you don't mind, but I am gong to write a sort of series about Elder Holland's talk. To read his full talk, please click here.

One of the first things that stuck out to me was when he said, "I wish to speak to those who suffer from some form of mental illness or emotional disorder, whether those afflictions be slight or severe, of brief duration or persistent over a lifetime." I liked this statement because it makes this talk apply to basically everybody. There are times I have thought, "Why am I blogging about this? I am not suffering as much as so and so, they are much more qualified than I am to talk about it." You may suffer from it severely or a little bit. Either way, you don't need to compare yourself to other people. God wants to help you on your journey. And, this talk is for YOU.