Singing the National Anthem: (New Year's Resolution...check!)

If you remember, I had a New Year's Resolution to perform somewhere. I wasn't sure where, I just wanted to do it.

About a week ago, I received an email that was sent out to all the teachers letting us know there would be an assembly coming up. A thought popped into my head..."Maybe I could sing the National Anthem at an assembly sometime..." Then, of course, I started to doubt myself. The new thoughts were, "I'd probably forget the words," "It would be dumb to ask," "I'm brand new here, would people think I'm crazy?" "I'd be so nervous!" Then, I thought of this quote from the movie/book, "We Bought a Zoo,"

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”  

I decided I could have twenty seconds of insane courage. So, I sent an email to the teacher over the SBOs. I said,

So, I’m a little shy about this, but I thought I would email you. I’m not sure how you choose to do people for the national anthem, but I thought I would volunteer if you ever need anyone. If you don’t, no worries! I just had a new year’s resolution to perform somewhere and thought this might be a chance.

Thanks so much!

I seriously cringed while I sent it. I don't know why! I just didn't want to seem too forward or anything. But, I sent it with my "twenty seconds of insane courage," and believe me, I felt like I had "embarrassing bravery." The teacher emailed me back, said she loved the idea, and that she would talk to the officers about it. I felt a little better, but I was still shy about it.

A couple days later, a student came into my room to ask if I would sing it. With excitement and slight hesitation, I said, YES.

The performance was yesterday. Seriously, I know it wasn't a huge audience or anything, but I love singing for people. I felt really good about it, and it was so fun. I have a passion for America and for singing, so it was a perfect thing for me. And...it was REALLY fun! (I love microphones).

A big realization I had was that I would never have been able to do this a few years ago. My anxiety would've been too much. Not even necessarily about singing, but about life in general. The idea to volunteer to sing wouldn't have even crossed my mind, because it would've been filled with fears about anything and everything in life. I still deal with it, but I am learning to live with it so much better

I am so grateful I had the opportunity to sing and that this simple quote helped me to achieve one of my new year's resolutions.    

Anxiety: Sometimes it's Okay to Say No

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. I'm not over anxiety and depression, so how can I blog like I know it all? I hope you don't think I know it all, or that I never struggle anymore.

The truth is, I kind of gave into my anxiety the other day. At least that's how I felt until I heard a talk the today. Here's the story:

I was asked to got on a pioneer trek with the youth of my church. I accepted the invitation.

Then, the anxiety started.

I know it sounds silly, but I was terrified. I went on a trek when I was 17, and I had a great experience. I kept talking myself into it, saying I could do it.

I worried about being away from Jordan (he is my rock). I was also worried about my diet. Would I have enough to eat? Who would I be spending time with out there? Who would be in my tent? (Tent. I hate to admit it, but that is another source of anxiety! I wish I was a camping person, but I've come to accept the fact that I am not.)

The truth is, these thoughts were irrational. I knew I would be more than taken care of. The leaders of the trek have one priority: keeping everyone safe. I knew I would be fine if I were to go. I knew they would work things out with my diet. I knew that I could make it.

I also knew I would make myself sick with worry for 6 months until I went.

I talked with Jordan about it and I prayed. I currently have a bit on my plate with my new job, my church calling, housekeeping, school, etc. Was it healthy to have this load on top of that?

We went to a fireside last Sunday that was about trek. They talked about everything that would be happening. At that time, I was seriously considering that I may not be able to go. As the fireside continued something interesting happened. I felt peaceful, but not in the way I expected. I felt peaceful about saying I couldn't go. I felt like the Lord understood.

Could I have done it? With God's help, absolutely. But, I truly felt He didn't expect it from me at this time. I felt like He understood that I  needed that extra pressure off at this time.

So, we let them know I actually wouldn't be able to make it after all. At first, I was a bit disappointed in myself. I let my anxiety win. Bummer. Then I realized, I really hadn't. I had anxiety about it, but that wasn't the deciding factor. The deciding factor was the peace I felt about saying no. I felt God was okay with that decision. I hadn't lost, I had made a decision with God's help.

I just got back from a conference called Time Out for Women. It is an LDS conference with speakers, musical numbers, etc. It's a lot of fun! One of the speakers said something that really hit me. The speaker was Kris Belcher (she is so awesome). She said something like this,

"Sometimes we need to say, 'I can't,' not in a giving up way, but in a discerning way." 

This really struck home with me. At this time, I can't go on trek. It is too much for my mind to handle. I didn't decide not to go because I am weak or I am giving in to my anxiety, but because I made a decision (with God's help) that it was a good idea for me to stay home. I discerned (is that a word?). I am so grateful for these wise words and for God's love and hand in my life.

I'm a High School Teacher?

Last week, I started work as a resource English teacher at a nearby High School. Accepting the job was a roller coaster! This is what I wrote to my family on our family Facebook page:

The tears had to do with the Junior High School that I left. I loved it there. Wonderful people and memories! It was very hard to leave. I felt like it was the right decision to take to High School job though. Also, I am teaching at my alma mater's major rival school, kind of crazy!

So far, it has been going well. After the first day, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. When I got home from working, I allowed myself to sit on the couch, watch TV, and turn my brain off. My mind needed the rest. The next day, I was ready to go again. I am taking things one day at a time, but I really am enjoying it. I work with great students and we are reading some awesome books. I am also working to help them with their writing skills. Resource classes have less students than general education classes, so I get to know my students really well. I felt really cool when I got to enter grades for the first time, I felt a little bit like I was still playing "teacher" as a little girl.

I actually get excited to go to work each day. It is a wonderful new adventure. I think I made the right career decision. I am excited to continue to learn and grow and become a better teacher.
I pray the Lord will continue to bless me as I work to be a productive and influential teacher.

Taken after my first day of teaching

Shout out to my mom and brother came in and helped me set up my classroom, that was so helpful!
PS: Yes, I am working as an English teacher, but that doesn't mean that all of my blog posts will be perfectly written. I'm still learning! :)

New Year!! (27 days in is still new, right?)

Right around January 2nd, I decided to write down some New Year's Resolutions. I wanted to have them posted somewhere where I wouldn't forget about them in 2 weeks time, so I have them hanging up in our room. Here's the run-down:

RESOLUTION: Visit the temple 10x: LDS temples are beautiful places. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are encouraged to attend as often as possible. This could be a different number for every person. I personally have a goal to attend the temple with Jordan 10 times this year. It is a place I feel peace and hope. It is a place my anxiety cannot thrive. It is where I learn to come closer to our Savior.

RESOLUTION: Become more flexible. I've never been particularly flexible. I realize I'm not going to become a tumbling master, but I want to become more comfortable in my movements. It is also good exercise!

RESOLUTION: Decorate Family room to where I LOVE it. This goal started because we recently painted a wall bright blue in our house. Our walls were mainly brown and tan, a pretty brown and tan, but I really wanted to brighten the rooms up (I need happy colors!). After painting the blue wall, it was obvious some other things needed to be painted and changed, hence...the resolution.

RESOLUTION: Pay off student loans. Fairly self explanatory. We want to have as little debt as possible. That is definitely a struggle, but we are working on it! Money is a source of anxiety that is hard to live with sometimes, slowly getting rid of debt is a way to help with that.

RESOLUTION: Have a good attitude about Celiac disease. I worded this resolution carefully. I didn't want it to be, "Never complain about Celiac." Why? Because for me right now, that isn't realistic. I still want to be real about my struggle. I don't want to act like it isn't hard for me to not eat donuts, (it's rough, especially when they have sprinkles!) but on the flip side, I also don't want to be someone that people don't like to be around because I complain all the time. I want to be real, but also positive. To hear about a moment when I realized how grateful I am for my disease, click here.

RESOLUTION: Perform in a public place. So, I'm a little silly. Whenever I watch a play or see people perform, internally I am saying, "I want to do that!" I imagine myself in character, what I would do, the facial expressions I would have...I have a passion for the stage and performing, but I don't have many chances to fulfill that. I made a goal to perform somewhere, whether it's church, somewhere in the community, or somewhere else. Singing is the thing I love the most, but I would love to do any sort of performance, call me silly, but I love performing!

RESOLUTION: Graduate! Do I need to say more? I can't wait for April!
It is my hope that I can write a blog post in a year and say I did all these things. Who knows, but I can dream!

PS, I'm excited to write a post about my new job!

Is it April Yet?

April. I can't wait. I might name my first daughter April. Why? Because graduation is in April!
This semester has been rough. I knew going into it that it was going to be probably the roughest semester in my schooling so far. No kidding!
God has helped me a lot this semester though. He knew exactly who I should work with in my pre-student teaching.
I get to work with some awesome kids and an amazing teacher, Brooke.
I love the kids I work with, it is great to see them every day.
Brooke has been one of the people that has made me think I can make it to April. She has taught me so much. I think I have learned more from her than I have the whole time in the Special Education program! She is also hilarious and extremely fun to be around. I hope I can connect with kids and have fun at work like she does.
There are moments when it is so much to take in, when the kids are misbehaving or not listening and I have thought,

"Uh oh! Did I pick the right major!?" 

But, there have been times when a student's eyes light up because they understand something, or they are excited to tell me something that happened, or proud to tell someone else they are my student. In these moments I have thought,

"Yep, this is definitely where I'm supposed to be." 

Those moments are much more powerful.

School

"I don't think I can do this Jordy"

This is the text I sent to my husband on the second day of my new job. I started my new job and on the second day I was ready to be done. This job involves working with some junior high students who have been placed into a program I am in charge of. This program will either help them to transfer back into school with their peers or to an alternative placement. There are a variety of reasons they may be placed in the program. It suffices me to say they weren't in class ready to learn so the privilege of being a part of the regular school day has been taken away from them for a time. 

The second day of school was a bit rough. I figured I wasn't going to be able to do any good. I felt terrible. After I let them out for a five minute break, I went into the bathroom and cried. 

My anxiety was taking over. I was convinced I couldn't do it. I never wanted to step into that room again. 

I finished the day and cried as I drove home (wearing sunglasses so those in the cars around me couldn't see). 

I got home and laid down on the couch. I called Jordan.

Jordan was sweet like he always is.

I decided I needed to go see Karin.

I talked with Karin and cleared my head a bit.

I went home.

Jordan came home.

We talked.

We went and visited my family.

My mom and sister helped me.

My mom suggested reading books to the students.

I felt stronger.

I felt a desire to be a positive influence in the students' lives.

I prayed.
I went to work the next day.

With some help, it went very well.

Now, I would cry if I had to leave this job. I love the kids. Holy cow. I love spending time with them. 

I love being their teacher. I love making them laugh or think I'm a little weird. I love it when they make me laugh.

I love reading to them. We have read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (I told you I was on a Harry Potter kick). I am now reading them "Gifted Hands."

I love when I can connect with them on something. I love getting to know them.

There are still difficult times. Sometimes they think it isn't very fun to do what I ask them to. Sometimes I think they are going to drive me absolutely up the wall, but I care about them so much.

I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to work with these kids. They mean a lot to me. 

Who knows what tomorrow will be like, but I know it will be an adventure.

That Looming Feeling...

I am having a wonderful Summer. I am really enjoying my job, working in the yard, trying to keep the house clean, and getting to spend time with my hubby, family, and friends. Evenings are free to be spent relaxing and enjoying time with loved ones. Along with the the summertime fun is the looming reminder that school starts soon. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy learning and know it will be totally worth it, I just know it comes with a lot of hard work, stress, and anxiety. This will be my last year, and the 2 semesters will be packed with hours of student teaching, preparing, planning, and homework. The thought of it is overwhelming and a bit scary. I also know I can do it. I have so much support and the results of the hard work is a diploma! I am sure there will be lots of prayers, some tears, late nights, and goals reached. Can't wait to be class of 2014!

Heather

School is rough for me at times. I get frustrated because I'm a bit of a homebody. I enjoy learning, but I have been known to complain about school. During the Spring Semester of 2012, I was in a Math 1020 class at 7 o’clock in the morning. During that time I was experiencing high levels of anxiety about anything and everything. Going to school was really hard, especially so early in the morning. But, God had not forgotten me. He knew I was struggling. He sent me an angel friend who helped me get through the semester. Her name is Heather. I still remember when she sat next to me the first day. She said something like, “Well, I’m Heather, what is your name?” Right when you look at her you can tell she is a fun and kind person. We bonded quickly. It was not a rare occurrence for us to burst out laughing during class and miss some of the lecture we were supposed to be taking notes on. At times we worried that we drove the people around us a bit crazy. Heather made me laugh and made me feel like myself (anxiety has a way of stripping your identity from you). Some mornings I would feel like I couldn’t go to school that day, but I would remember my friend Heather was going to be in my first class, and I could go. One time, a girl who sat in front of us asked where Heather and I had met. I said, “In this class.” She said, “Seriously? I thought you had been friends for years!” I know God had her sit next to me so she could be a friend at this time in my life. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and I am grateful for her friendship.

Math Class

During my sophomore year at Weber State University (Spring 2012 semester), I was having quite the struggle with my anxiety. It was really hard to go to school each morning. There were times I would cry in class, with my head down, hoping my classmates couldn't see. It was hard, but God sent me people to help me. One class I had was my problem solving math class. It was hard, but also a lot of fun. (I like math). On the first day of class, I sat down next to a woman who looked like she was in her thirties. We were both a little bit quiet (as many people are on the first day), but as the weeks went by, we started to talk and get to know each other. I learned about her kids, her pets, she was also a special education major, etc. We grew to be very good friends. I would enjoy seeing her each class day. I learned quickly that she was very smart and always went the extra mile on her assignments. Having a dear friend in my class made it easier to deal with my anxiety that semester. I learned that God is always looking out for us and sends us people who can help us. Thank you Michelle!

This was our textbook from the class. It is one of the few I didn't sell back because I enjoyed the class so much thanks to Michelle, my teacher, and the other people I made friends with.