It's Okay to Feel Sad Sometimes

I was pretty excited the day I realized I could watch kids' shows with my little boy (I'm still a fairly new mom, so I'm not tired of them...yet). Channels 7 and 11, just like they were years ago when I was a kid. One of our personal favorites is Daniel Tiger. I love it because it is a tribute to Mr. Rogers, so it reminds me of when I was a kid.

Each episode Daniel, and his various family members and neighbors, sing a different song that teaches some sort of lesson. (The best part is when Jason Mraz sings it at a certain point each episode.) They have a new song each time, each is geared to teach your child a certain thing: "You've got to try new foods 'cause they might taste good!" "When you're feeling frustrated, take a step back, and ask for help," and many more.

One episode was really sweet and made me think. Daniel and his friends sang,

"It's okay to feel sad sometimes. Little by little, you'll feel better again."

I love this.

I used to feel guilty when I would feel sad. I thought I was being ungrateful or childish. I thought to be sad was a sign of weakness. I didn't want to be a "Debbie Downer." I didn't want to be considered "hormonal" or "moody" or any other title we tend to give sadness. I thought I always needed to be bubbly and, if I ever was sad, it needed to be short and hopefully seen by very few.

Thankfully, through time, I've realized we are humans and we were created with all sorts of emotions. It's important for us to listen to our emotions and work through them. All of them. Sadness, jealousy, fear, anger, etc.

Sadness does not equal weakness, it is a powerful emotion that we all experience. (Side note: if you haven't seen "Inside Out," don't rent it. BUY IT. You won't regret it. And, it teaches you all about the roles of happiness and sadness. In fact, I should do a whole other blog post on it. Or 5. Thankfully, my sister wrote one! Read it here.)

Little by little:

The other day, I was pretty upset about something. Even though it was seemingly insignificant, and I felt a little immature that it was upsetting me so, a situation was causing me to feel left out and just S-A-D. My sister knew what was going on and actually texted me the words of cute and silly little Daniel Tiger's song. In that moment, I really appreciated the words, "little by little." There was really nothing I could do to fix the situation, so I just needed to feel sad for a little while. I held onto the thought, "little by little, I'll feel better again." In my case, it only took a day or two to feel much better, but I realize (and have experienced) many situations that take much longer than that. Just hold onto the thought, "little by little." The progress might be slow, but it's still progress.


I've been trying to have a new quote each week hanging in my house for my family to read/look at. (It's week #2, and so far I'm at 100%! ;) ) This week, it reads:

"God didn't design us to be sad. He created us to have JOY!"  

-President Uchtdorf

God yearns and works for us to be happy, but He also knows life is hard. Sometimes we are sad. There are times of sadness all along the road of happiness. I think this quote by President Uchtdorf (read the full talk here) is reminding us that we are sad sometimes, but we aren't designed to stay that way. We are designed to be very, very happy. (Isn't that a wonderful thought?) 

I have realized it really is okay to feel sad sometimes. And, it's after we are sad we can truly appreciate how good it feels to be happy.

The Best is Yet to Be

I love being a mom. It is the hardest and most wonderful thing I have ever done. That little man has changed my world forever. I love him.

What I didn't expect, was the pain and anxiety I feel each time I realize he is getting bigger. First, I packed away his newborn clothes, then I put away his 0-3 month clothes. Ouch. It was a similar feeling to putting away Christmas decorations, but with those, I can console myself in remembering I will be pulling them out again in less than a year. I don't know when I will see the clothes again, and my babe will never wear them again. The dreaded night we moved him to his crib to sleep, I wanted to go sleep on the floor next to his crib, but I stayed in my bed trying to be strong.

It is so hard to watch him grow, but it is also SO wonderful. He has started rolling, eating cereal, smiling, laughing, reaching, and he puts everything in his mouth. He observes the world around him. He responds to me and his daddy. The other day he reached for me. He reached for me! It was amazing. He loves to play with toys and "talk." He has the sweetest giggle and he can now put his binky in his own mouth. He is learning what his hands and feet can do. He gets cuter everyday.
It is wonderful, but I find myself worrying about the future. "How will I drop him off on his first day of Kindergarten?" "He won't be this size forever, he's changing!" "Will he visit me on Mother's Day when he's 40?" I can almost send myself into a panic attack. That is why I have hung a new sign in my house. It says, "The Best is Yet to Be." I tell myself this every time I start to worry about my little man growing and changing. "The Best is Yet to Be."

It's okay that I feel heart ache when he is growing, but I will strive to enjoy every stage and remember that the best is yet to be.

What My Sweet Baby Has Taught Me About God's Love

“Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend.”

–Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Shortly after my baby was born, my friend brought me a frame with this quote in it. She knew I was struggling a bit with postpartum depression and came to lend me her love and support. While you might think this post is about postpartum depression, I am actually steering it in a different direction (although that topic is very worthy of conversation that will probably come in the future).

Ever since I was born, I have been taught that I am a child of God and that He loves me very much. The quote above has touched my heart, but I feel I have gotten a greater understanding of it since I became a mom.

One of the first nights we came home from the hospital, I was looking at my sleeping little boy and I had tears streaming down my face. When my husband asked me what was wrong, I responded, “Nothing, I just love him so much.” While I was still a bit hormonal, the love I feel for him is so real and so strong.

When I think of him and his little mind, it occurs to me that, similar to the quote above, he can’t even comprehend right now how much I love him. He knows I hug him, kiss him, feed him, and change his diaper. I pray he feels safe in my arms and feels that this person who is with him all day every day is someone who thinks he is very special.

Then I think of all the things he can’t comprehend yet.

He can’t yet comprehend that I carried him for 9 months and delivered him. He doesn’t know how many times I googled things to make sure I could take a certain medicine while I was pregnant or to make sure something that was happening to me was normal. He doesn’t know how terrified and excited both his dad and I were in the delivery room. He doesn’t know I counted down the days to his birth and doodled his name on post-it notes over and over again. He doesn’t know that the password to my computer was his name.

He doesn’t know that his dad and I went college and to work for years to prepare to earn money so we would be financially stable enough to welcome a little person into the world. He doesn’t know yet that I have dreamed of being a mom since I was a little girl.

He isn’t aware that I have called and visited his pediatrician several times to make sure he is developing the way he should. He doesn’t know that when he is in pain, I am in pain and wish I could take it away from him. He can’t comprehend the bittersweet feeling I have when I realize how much he has grown since we brought him home. He doesn’t know that the thousands of pictures that are taken of him are so we can remember and preserve how sweet and precious he is.

He doesn’t know that we pray for him every night. We pray he will feel our love and our Heavenly Father’s love for him.

He doesn’t know that we pay a bill every month towards our mortgage for the home that he lives in, the water in his formula and baths, and the electricity. He doesn’t know that after he falls asleep, we have a baby monitor to hear if he cries and make sure he is okay. He doesn’t know the planning that went into his first and middle name. He doesn’t know how much more carefully I drive ever since he was born.

He doesn’t know that there were millions of little pieces that needed to fall into place to bring him here: his dad and I getting married, both sets of our parents getting married, the grandparents, great grandparents, and the list goes on and on.

He doesn’t know that his dad and I have sacrificed some things just for him: sleep, vacations, free time. He doesn’t know that carrying him changed the way my body looks and I am trying to learn not to be self-conscious about it.

He doesn’t know that I think of his future constantly. One year, three years, twenty years. He doesn’t know that I yearn to keep him little while feeling so excited to watch him grow.

There are so many things my little man can’t comprehend yet. He has no idea how much his dad and I love him. It is the same with our Father in Heaven. We know He loves us, He sent His Son to die for us, and He created a beautiful world for us to live in. We know those things, but our minds can’t even comprehend HOW MUCH He really loves us.

What a lovely thought it is that such a magnificent Being cares about us more than we can even imagine. 

Life is Still Very Good

THE BAD NEWS: To be honest, my anxiety has kicked up big time lately. When it has been mild for a while and then comes back in full swing, it is scary. It reminds me how powerful anxiety can be. I know it is getting difficult when I start to feel "outside of myself." I get so wrapped up in my mind, that I forget to live in the present.

THE GOOD NEWS: I know it is temporary. I know God and my family love me. I know that even though sometimes it feel like the world is collapsing around me, it isn't.

If you find yourself feeling very anxious or depressed, don't try to figure it out yourself. Talk to someone you trust: a church leader, family member, friend, doctor, etc. Someone who can help you and remind you that life is still very good.

Anxiety and Depression: A Note to Loved Ones...

If you have anxiety and/or depression and you are reading this blog, I hope you feel like you can connect, in some way, to my experiences and the experiences of others shared here. If you are reading and you haven't experienced the feelings and thoughts that anxiety and depression bring...you might be a little confused, skeptical, worried, afraid etc. That is okay. Until I experienced it for myself, I was extremely confused. I didn't understand why my loved ones were struggling. Why couldn't they just "get over it?"

Here are just a few thoughts for those who may not experience anxiety and depression, but have loved ones who do.

This is a start, but I would love to write more posts on this subject.

If you have anxiety/depression, what support do you need from a loved one? Or, what do you hope they will try to understand?

If you are a loved one to someone with anxiety/depression, how do you make an effort to love them?

Anxiety & Depression: Stephanie's Story: Part 1

There are so many people who deal with anxiety and depression. Below is the story of a friend of mine, in her own words. (Names have been changed). After this friend of mine read some of this blog, she sent me her story. I was amazed. I had NO idea she had been through these experiences. Below you will find just part of her story. Watch for more!

"My depression/Anxiety began to affect me in Jr. high – and would continue untreated and unexplained into High School. At the times my sufferings/symptoms included uncontrollable emotionless feelings – which led to me having “tantrums” (Which was explained later to me that I was trying to feel some sort of emotion, ANY emotion would be fine – and it’s easiest to create angry, hostile emotions than it is to create happy ones.) When I say tantrums I mean sobbing that isn’t able to be stopped, or I wouldn’t eat, or I would sleep for hours or I would tense up so badly that my fists would go white and I’d pierce the palms of my hands with my finger tips without realizing the pain. (Later called: Emotional black outs). At the time, my family didn’t understand what was happening, my dad thought I was an emotional teenager, my mom said I just needed to not take things so seriously.  I began doing research after I had read a segment on depression in a health book. I began begging my mom to take me to a therapist, I told her something was wrong with me and I needed help. She refused time and time again. Finally- One day (Around 16 years old) I came home (in the middle of an emotional blackout) unable to stable myself – I was sobbing and numb and I then stopped breathing… My mom held me to her and stroked my hair and repeatedly whispered in my ear – “feel me breathe, copy my breath, feel me breathe, copy my breath.” I was able to steady myself, focusing on her breathe allow my mind to remember to breath. I told her to help me – and she agreed.

Finding a therapist wasn’t easy – we went to several offices trying to find the right one. One lady was way too pushy, and another one seemed to not really care what I was saying – one therapist even asked my mom more questions than she was asking me. A few appointments later I met my therapist who saved me – his name is Spencer. Through many, many therapy sessions we dug and dug into my mind and started to find some underlying problems to what was causing my anxiety – which then in turn became depression. One of the biggest things was that I was a perfectionist. If things didn’t go exactly prefect or if I didn’t do 100% amazing on something it destroyed me inside, but because I didn’t know how to talk about it or let it out it became a huge black spot inside of me that just grew and grew until it actually ate me whole and I couldn’t do anything. It took away my ability to feel emotion – which is by far worse than feeling an emotion. When someone asks you “what is wrong”, you answer, “I don’t know” – then they ask “well what do you feel?” and you answer, “I honestly don’t know that either.” Those people asking the questions are often offended that you won’t open up to them, but you can’t truly understand that until you feel what being emotionless feels like. Spencer taught me to understand that I wasn’t an angry and hostile person that was just the only way I could cry for help from beneath the black shadow. He told me that I was stronger than the blackness and that now that my mom and family knew what the problem was it would be a lot easier to fight him. Simply knowing that this “black shadow” had a label I could then begin to make tangible goals for moving towards the future.

Things started to become better – I could talk myself through things, and I was able to go through the days breathing and not having the need to break down. I began feeling emotions again. I had forgotten how good it felt to be excited for something, or feel like something was worth doing. When I was younger I used to sing all the time to every song on the radio – as I began to come out of my shell and out from behind the darkness I heard myself singing and realized that it was an unfamiliar sound – And I vowed to myself that I would never stop singing again." 

Thanks to my dear friend, "Stephanie." Watch for more parts to her story.

Are you interested in sharing your story? Email me here: chelseaapeart@gmail.com

April Came!!

Remember this post? Well, guess what...APRIL CAME!! April 25th to be exact. On Friday, I graduated from College! It is still a little surreal, and it was a beautiful day. As Jordan and I were driving to campus to head to commencement, I started thinking about the hundreds of times I drove to the University. My mind wandered to my Freshman year. I didn't have much of a clue about what was going on. I remember a counselor asking me, "Do you want to take just 12 credit hours? That is pretty common for those just starting out." I said yes, but didn't have a clue what "12 credit hours" meant. My awesome brother-in-law took me up to the school a few weeks before class started and helped me get my textbooks and student ID card. My sister's friend escorted me to my first class, US History.

I used to carpool with some of my best friends from High School, and because of me, we were usually running a few minutes late. The semester I had a 7:30 class was a bit rough (I'm not always what you would call a morning person). I remember buying books, turning in assignments, waiting for grades to come back, and hoping that reading the first page of the chapter would be enough to pass the quiz (I love reading, I hate reading textbooks). I walked on ice, searched for parking spots, ran to not be late, wrote a letter to parking services about an undeserved ticket, and cringed when paying tuition.

I remember the hardest semester of my life, it was during my sophomore year. I was being overcome by my anxiety and depression. There were times when I would lay my head down on my desk and cry quietly, hoping no one would see or hear me. I felt like my life was going to go absolutely no where. I felt literally damned, like I was up against a brick wall and the water was rising. Did it make sense? No. Did it seem real? Absolutely.

On the flip side, I made some incredible friends through college. There were many I met before I entered the Special Education program, and others I spent time with the two years in the program. These are people I want to keep in contact with for a long, long time. We shared frustrations, teaching ideas, funny stories, and advice. I attended religious classes at the LDS Institute, and gladly welcomed the treats they had there.

Thinking back, I realize how hard it was at times. I can't lie, College caused me some tears, but it was worth it. I guess I always knew it would be, sometimes it was just very hard to see it. At graduation, I thought about the times I had joked (semi-seriously) that I was going to give up and drop out. I am SO grateful I didn't. I seriously learned so much, and I am now working in a position that I really enjoy.

I know I didn't achieve this goal alone. I had the support of my family, friends, husband, and God.

Music and Anxiety: "I Can't Listen to that Song!"

Whenever I hear Phil Collins, I am six years old again, dancing to my dad's favorite song. I remember the song that was on the radio the first time a dumb boy made me cry.  I can still sing every word to the Backstreet Boys "Millenium" CD that was so very cool in the 90s. I rememebr the first time I heard my favorite song and how it made me feel. I remember the songs I listened to that made me think of Jordan when I was falling in love with him.

I am amazed by how our minds and memories respond to music. We can listen to a song we haven't heard for years and still have every song, harmony, verse, and bridge memorized. A certain song can take you back to High School, childhood, or Christmas morning. It can bring back thoughts and feelings you had forgotten. It can bring up intense feelings of happiness or spirituality.

So many songs bring happy memories, but there are also songs that may do the opposite. There are a few songs that I will change when they come on the radio or up on my iPod. These are songs that I listened to when I was very depressed. The songs themselves aren't necessarily depressing, but they were songs I listened to frequently when I was struggling so much. Right when I hear these songs, I start to have feelings of anxiety, because that is how I felt when I used to listen to them.

I remember when one of my sisters was going through a hard time, and we were listening to a CD together. She had me skip almost every song because of things she associated with them. I didn't understand it then, I thought she was so silly. Why couldn't we listen to these songs? Now, I totally get it.

The other day, a song I have a hard time listening to came on the radio. I have skipped over it countless times before, simply choosing to avoid it. The song has nothing to do with being sad or depressed, it is actually a love song, but, since I listened to it so much when I was feeling so low, that is what my mind associates it with. When it came on the other day, I went to switch it, like I have so many times before, but then I thought, "No, I can listen to this song. It's a good one." As I drove, I listened. It was hard at first, but as I continued listening, I remembered why I liked the song so much. It is a really touching piece of music.

It may sound silly, but I felt a little victorious as the song came to an end. I listened! I listened to it all the way through, for the first time in a long time.

How to Help a Loved One Going Through a Panic Attack...

We all have panic attacks at one time or another. We may sleep through our alarm and wake up 5 minutes after we were supposed to be somewhere, or we lost our debit card somewhere between the store and home. At these times our heart may speed up and our palms may get sweaty.

There may be times, though, that you or a loved one has a severe panic attack. These are over things much greater than being late or your debit card. These are over things that someone has made so big in their mind (usually thanks to anxiety and/or depression) that there is an absence of all things good. There are many symptoms, some of which may be: heavy (or shallow) breathing, sobbing, shaking, feelings of absolute helplessness, tight muscles, feeling 'outside of yourself,' etc. In my experience, it has felt like I am in a deep, dark hole and I don't think I am ever coming out. It feels like I am doomed and there is nothing I can do about it. It feels like the complete absence of hope and the only thing I can do is cry. If you or a loved one has experienced this, you know that we all experience them a little differently, but I think we can all agree they are not easy to go through.

When a loved one is feeling the stress and fatigue of anxiety, you may have no idea who to do. What can you say to make it better? How can you get them out of that dark place? The truth is, the only thing you really need to do is be there. I found an example of this in the book, "The Princess Bride." This particular part was left out of the movie, but if you have seen the movie, you will understand when it happens (how convenient!).

Buttercup and Westley are traveling through the dreaded Fire Swamp which has three things that are major issues: the snow sand, the R.O.U.S.'s, and the fire spurts. In this scene Buttercup gets trapped in the snow sand which drags her under before she can even scream. Westley, being awesome, quickly ties a vine to a tree and heroically dives in after her. After a few minutes of an awful and blind search, he finally finds her (a little bit earlier he thought he had found her, but turns out, it was a skeleton. Gross.). They miraculously get out of the sand and Buttercup eventually "comes to." It is then that her panic hits. She is (understandably) unable to control her emotions, the book states:

"'No need-' [Westley] was going to say 'No need for worry,' but her panic struck too quickly. It was a normal enough reaction, and he did not try to block it but, rather, held her firmly and let the hysteria run its course. She shuddered for a time as if she fully intended to fly apart. But that was the worst. From there, it was but a few minutes to quiet sobbing. Then she was Buttercup again."

I haven't been rescued from snow sand, or trekked through a fire swamp, but I have felt similar things as to what Buttercup goes through in this section. I love what Westley does, he just holds her. He holds her while she shakes and cries. He holds her even when it seems like she is going to "fly apart." He holds her while she calms down, and eventually, she is "Buttercup again." I loved how the author wrote this. When I have been in a panic attack, I am not Chelsea. After a panic attack, there have been times I have opened my eyes and thought, "I'm back."

Jordan is the most patient man in the world. He has had to, at times, simply hold me, sit by me, comfort me, etc. until I am myself again. Having him there makes all the difference in the world. He doesn't need to say anything, he just needs to be there until I come out of the deep, dark hole.

If you have a loved one who goes through panic attacks. Just be there for them. If it is a child or spouse, hold them while they cry. If it is a friend, hold them or sit next to them while they come out of their struggle. Pat their back, and tell them everything is going to be okay. Just let them know you are there. That will make all the difference in the world.

So, what can you do to help your loved one going through a panic attack? Just be there. See them through it. When they come back to being themselves, they will be more than grateful to yo



PS, Have you or a loved one had a serious panic attack? What got you (or them) through? I would love to hear about it in the comments or a message! <3

"Like A Broken Vessel" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Part 4

I wanted to start this blog post with two quotes:

The first is from Elder Holland's talk:
"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

The second is a common inspirational quote:
"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."

I remember when I was deep in depression. I thought about the rope quote. I remember thinking, 'I've been hanging on for so long, I don't know if I can hang on much longer.' I remember praying and feeling like my words weren't leaving the room. Weeks later, I would think, 'I'm still hanging on this knot, barely.' It was hard. Even though it felt like my prayers weren't being answered, for some reason, I kept praying. Maybe it was because I have always been taught to pray, or because deep down, I knew He really was listening.

Sometimes I forget how much my Father in Heaven loves me. Elder Holland says He loves me (and you!) more than we can even comprehend. That is a lot! I think about the love I have for my family and friends, it is a huge amount of love. Heavenly Father loves me that much and infinitely more! That is hard for me to wrap my head around sometimes, but what a comfort it is! He loves me with a perfect love.

1 Nephi 11:17 says, "I know that He loveth His children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

We may not understand depression or other trials fully, but we know that God loves us.

Even when I thought He wasn't listening, He was there.

To read Elder Holland's full talk, please click here.

Read parts one, two, and three.

Christmas is Coming!

Merry Christmas Eve!! I was driving to my mom's house yesterday, and the traffic was crazy! But, due to this, I got to see a sweet act of kindness. I was cruising along, when my light turned red, so I stopped (It's a good idea to do that when the light is red). I was right next to the right hand turning lane. I noticed a woman walking and slowly entering the crosswalk, she had a grocery bag and had probably been out shopping at one of the local grocery stores. The next thing I saw was an older woman driving her car, she was a little distracted and started to proceed to check the intersection to complete her "right on red" turn. Luckily, she noticed the woman in the crosswalk just in time and didn't hit her. The woman driving mouthed, "I'm sorry!" to the woman in the crosswalk. As you can imagine, a series of things could've happened after this. The woman walking could've done you-know-what with her finger, scowled, yelled, ignored the woman, or any number of other things. Instead, I saw her lips say, "That's okay, Merry Christmas!" and she happily walked across the remainder of the intersection. I looked at the woman in the car beside me, and she too had a smile on her face. Witnessing that small thing filled me with the Spirit of Christmas. I pray we can remember the "Reason for the Season" and be just a little bit kinder to one another. Merry Christmas!!

"He is the Reason for the Season, He is the Light that shines on our lives. The baby Jesus, born in God's Grace, so we all might rejoice on this day."

Are you having a difficult time this Christmas? Are you not feeling very 'merry?' You're not alone! Click here to read last year's Christmas post.

Let It Go

There aren't a lot of movies that we spend money on to go see in the theater. Usually, we just wait until the movie comes to Redbox. But, occasionally there are movies that are too good to pass up the ginormous screen for. Disney's Frozen is one of those movies. I would even go to the theater more than once! Now that is rare.

 

Because I have anxiety and depression and I blog about it, I often find links and connections between things in life or portrayed in movies and depression. In this movie, it was the song, "Let it Go." A little background, Elsa (one of the main characters) was born with an incredible power (some call it a curse) to create snow and ice with the flick of her hand. As a child, she and her sister, Anna, would play in the snow that Elsa created. Then, one day, Elsa accidentally injures Anna with her power. It is after that that she is told she must keep her powers a secret. She can't let anyone know what she can do. She is told she must be strong and "not feel." In order to keep her sister and others safe, Elsa stays shut in her room for years trying to learn how to control her power. 

 

What I found interesting, was that the more she tried to hide and control it, the worse it became. The more she told herself to not feel, the more uncontrollable the power became.  

 

After a series of events, there is a moment when Elsa is unable to control her power in front of a large group of people. They find out about her powers and many consider her a "monster." In order to keep others safe, she runs away to a high mountain. It is here that she finds happiness as she "Lets it Go." (And sings an absolutely INCREDIBLE song, seriously, if you want chills, listen to it) On this mountain, she is able to use her powers without worry. She builds amazing and beautiful things. She creates a gorgeous castle from ice and finally feels free.

 

But what had changed? Why were her powers doing amazing things now? Why were they not hurting anyone? Why? Because she stopped worrying about it, and let it go. She stopped trying to control and hide her powers and let them go.    

 

I have been the person sitting in my room before, clenching my eyes tightly trying to control the thoughts in my mind. Trying to force things in and out, trying to keep it in and fix my insides. I've been the person to wait months before I told loved ones how much I was struggling in fear of embarrassment. I have been the person crying and wondering what happened to my life and wondering why I can't just fix everything in my head. I have been the girl who shut loved ones out in fear of hurting them. I have been the one trying to control my mind and make it do what I want.

 

I have also been the girl to "Let it Go." It's easier said than done, but I have found that I can let it go. This blog is one way that I do that. I write about it. I try to not keep it hidden. I try to let it go. As I have mentioned before, talking about it helps so much.

 

When I was younger and I would worry non-stop about things, my mom told me to "float." What she meant was, imagine yourself in the clouds or in water, and just float. Whenever a worry comes to your mind, just float. Don't fight it, just float. Just breathe and remember, they are just thoughts. Float. This is another way I let it go.

 

As I let it go, I find myself closer to my loved ones, not further away. While some people may not understand depression, (and I don't blame them, it's weird!) I have come to not be afraid of people knowing I deal with it.

 

When I let it go, my anxiety and depression can actually do beautiful things, such as this blog. My anxiety and depression have made me a much more compassionate and kind person. They have taught me not to judge others. When I let it go, my "curse" can actually be a beautiful thing.

 

"Let It Go"

 

"Couldn’t keep it in, Heaven knows I tried. Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. Well now they know! Let it go! Can’t hold it in anymore.

I don’t care what they’re going to say, let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway.

The fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all.

Here I stand in the light of day, let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway." 

Confession

In some of my spare time, I enjoy playing Candy Crush. Why? I call it 'Bejeweled' on steroids. It's fun. It's a great combination of skill and luck. Why am I talking about this on my blog about anxiety? I'll explain.
Sometimes when my mind is running every which way with worries and fears, Candy Crush serves as a way to help me focus on something other than my anxieties.

A relative of mine recently mentioned that this same game had helped her through some hard days. Isn't that funny? There were days it was really hard to sit in class, so I would play Candy Crush. It made sitting in there bearable and made the time go by faster. Sometimes with anxiety or depression, your mind never rests. It is constantly thinking of negative, scary, or undesirable things. As long as it is used correctly, a game can serve as a rest for the brain.

Sometimes I feel a little bit embarrassed that I play a cell phone game. But, the other day, I started to think, "Why am I embarrassed?" We all have things that help us to relax or distract us for a few minutes. Candy Crush is one of the things that sometimes helps me on a difficult day.

Just a few notes for those of you who may play...
1. Level 147 is making me crazy. I have been on it forever.
2. My favorite move is when you combine a brown candy and a striped candy, it's so awesome. This move is second only to combining two brown candies. Magic.
3. Combining a striped candy and a packaged candy is pretty neat too.
4. Isn't it so obnoxious when you could beat the level if you only had ONE MORE MOVE!? So aggravating.
5. The timed levels are my favorite.
If you don't play Candy Crush, you might be thinking I'm a bit crazy by now. If you do play, you're probably nodding your head to the items in this list.

Disclaimer! Similar to this post, I am not telling you to waste away your life playing games on your phone or computer. What I am saying is that sometimes a distraction is okay. We should never let it get out of control, spend all our time doing it, or shirk off responsibilities, but I do believe that, at times, these things have a place. Playing a game should never replace family or friend time, but it can help pass time through hard moments.

"Like A Broken Vessel" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Part 1

"Like A Broken Vessel" was a talk given in the October 2013 General Conference. General Conference is an LDS (Mormon) conference that happens every 6 months. During the conference, Prophets, Apostles, and other church leaders speak to us. The conference spans over two days and is about 10 hours long (This may seem like a long time, but it goes by fast!).

The leaders talk about a variety of subjects. They aren't assigned, instead the leaders pray and ponder over what they choose to speak on. This conference Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a whole talk on mental disorders.

Right when he began to talk I was riveted.

It felt like Elder Holland was speaking directly to me. His words went straight to my heart. I thought of others I know who struggle with mental disorders and hoped they were listening too.

I knew this talk would be one I would need to read over and over again. The other day, (during class, it was a bit stressful and I just kind of checked out...don't tell my Professor) I read it again. I took notes on things I thought I could write about on my blog. The list went on and on. I hope you don't mind, but I am gong to write a sort of series about Elder Holland's talk. To read his full talk, please click here.

One of the first things that stuck out to me was when he said, "I wish to speak to those who suffer from some form of mental illness or emotional disorder, whether those afflictions be slight or severe, of brief duration or persistent over a lifetime." I liked this statement because it makes this talk apply to basically everybody. There are times I have thought, "Why am I blogging about this? I am not suffering as much as so and so, they are much more qualified than I am to talk about it." You may suffer from it severely or a little bit. Either way, you don't need to compare yourself to other people. God wants to help you on your journey. And, this talk is for YOU.

Disneyland

This sign is above you when you enter the magical world of Disneyland:

"Here you leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow, and fantasy." 

We visited Disneyland last week with my family. When I read and walked under this sign, I took it very literally. I set aside all my cares and worries. I didn't think about school and all the stresses that it is currently causing. For my current courses, I have to several (like seriously, a ton) of volunteer hours. When I walked under this sign, I said (out loud), "No more student teaching hours!" Anytime the thought of school would start to creep into my mind, I would quickly push it to the side reminding myself that right now I was living in the present.

It was the most wonderful vacation ever.

I got to be with my husband, my sisters and brother, my brother-in-laws, my parents, and my darling niece and nephew all day every day. It was a small taste of heaven to be with them and feel so care free.

Then, reality hit. As soon as I got home. I was excited to come home, kind of. I was excited to see our kitties, but I knew all the cares I had left behind would be here when I got back. And sure enough, they were.

The first night home, I cried. I missed having my family right next to me. I missed getting to be with Jordan all day. I missed laughing at silly things with my sisters, the boys trying to find something to watch on the TV (ninja turtles entertained us one night), and kissing my niece and nephew good night every night.

The second night home, I cried.

The third night home, I found out I didn't understand a certain assignment for one of my classes. This meant I needed an additional 26 hours I didn't realize I needed before. I cried.

I woke up the next morning with so much anxiety running through my body I couldn't fall back asleep. So, I went to work a little bit early. I got things figured out with my schooling a little bit.

Through it all, Jordan is his amazing supportive self. I like him a lot.

Today, I got my schooling situation all figured out and feel a lot better about it. I still wish I could be having fun with my family all day everyday, but I am doing much better.

Still, sometimes I close my eyes and pretend that I'm still there with them.

School

"I don't think I can do this Jordy"

This is the text I sent to my husband on the second day of my new job. I started my new job and on the second day I was ready to be done. This job involves working with some junior high students who have been placed into a program I am in charge of. This program will either help them to transfer back into school with their peers or to an alternative placement. There are a variety of reasons they may be placed in the program. It suffices me to say they weren't in class ready to learn so the privilege of being a part of the regular school day has been taken away from them for a time. 

The second day of school was a bit rough. I figured I wasn't going to be able to do any good. I felt terrible. After I let them out for a five minute break, I went into the bathroom and cried. 

My anxiety was taking over. I was convinced I couldn't do it. I never wanted to step into that room again. 

I finished the day and cried as I drove home (wearing sunglasses so those in the cars around me couldn't see). 

I got home and laid down on the couch. I called Jordan.

Jordan was sweet like he always is.

I decided I needed to go see Karin.

I talked with Karin and cleared my head a bit.

I went home.

Jordan came home.

We talked.

We went and visited my family.

My mom and sister helped me.

My mom suggested reading books to the students.

I felt stronger.

I felt a desire to be a positive influence in the students' lives.

I prayed.
I went to work the next day.

With some help, it went very well.

Now, I would cry if I had to leave this job. I love the kids. Holy cow. I love spending time with them. 

I love being their teacher. I love making them laugh or think I'm a little weird. I love it when they make me laugh.

I love reading to them. We have read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (I told you I was on a Harry Potter kick). I am now reading them "Gifted Hands."

I love when I can connect with them on something. I love getting to know them.

There are still difficult times. Sometimes they think it isn't very fun to do what I ask them to. Sometimes I think they are going to drive me absolutely up the wall, but I care about them so much.

I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to work with these kids. They mean a lot to me. 

Who knows what tomorrow will be like, but I know it will be an adventure.

Harry Potter and Anxiety

I've recently been on a Harry Potter kick. I love the books, I've been reading the first one to the students I work with, and we have borrowed many of the movies from Jordan's mom. I love the good vs. evil theme and the strong friendships displayed between Harry, Ron, and Hermione.
When we were watching the third movie, "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban," there was a part that reminded me of how it feels to have anxiety and depression. Harry, Hermione, and Ron are on the Hogwarts express headed to start the school year. A strange creature gets on the train and comes into their compartment. It brings darkness wherever it goes and brings sadness and despair with it. Harry seems to be in some sort of trance which a stranger in their compartment uses his wand to send the creature away. (you soon find out the stranger is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Lupin). Harry ends up passing out, waking up a few minutes later. Professor Lupin explains that the creature was a dementor. The dark creatures that guard the wizard jail, Azkaban. Harry then asks his friends:

"Did either of you two, you know, pass out?"

Ron responds:

"No, I felt weird though, like I would never be cheerful again."

This hit right home for me. When I am deep in anxiety and depression, it seems like I can never be cheerful again. Ron has a great family, wonderful friends, a great education, etc. but the dementor made him feel like he would never feel happy again. The same happens to me at times. I have an amazing husband and family, friends who I adore, a good job and education, and I belong to a religion that means everything to me. How can I get so down sometimes? The truth is we're human. At times I succumb to the awful and gripping feelings of depression. The good part? Just like Ron does feel cheerful again, I always do. Like the dementor went away, depression and anxiety don't stay forever. Prayer and love get me back. I know that no matter how far down we go, we can always be cheerful again.

A Wedding!

The beautiful Jordan River Temple

Last week, my dear, dear friend got married to a really nice guy (I've only met him a handful of times, but he has my approval :) ). We were lucky enough to get to attend her wedding ceremony at the Jordan River Temple and participate in her reception.
I got to thinking about all the things Erin and I have been through together. I remember the first time I met her was in the 8th grade, she had on a bumble bee costume at a birthday party. I remember her bringing a Charlie Brown coloring book to Junior High to color, and being the character called "Gus" in our cheesy (but totally awesome) 9th grade play.
We had sleepovers, laughed like little school children, and sometimes had to be told to stop talking in class in the last row of the choir room.
I remember some more serious moments, when she told us her mom had been diagnosed with cancer and the call I got months later that she had passed away.
During our first year of College, we carpooled together. A lot of the times we would ride in silence, I was dealing with my anxiety, and she was dealing with the sickness of her mother. A lot of times, we didn't have to speak, we were just there for each other.
Erin has been at BYU for the last year, so I didn't see her for months. When we got back together, it was almost like we'd never been apart. She is totally awesome.
Love you Erin! <3

The girls. Love them!

P.S. One of my favorite memories of Erin's mom was when she sang "I'm a Mean Old Witch With a Hat" to us in their front room. Complete with actions and facial expressions. A few weeks ago, Erin and I sat trying to decide what her mom must be doing in heaven these days. We decided she is being an amazing missionary.

It Has a Name

I remember where I was sitting when I gave the things that were happening inside my head a name.

We often think that things only happen to other people. That is what I thought about anxiety and depression. Other people have that...I don't. I had a wonderful life, a loving family, a great boyfriend (now my husband), a solid spiritual foundation, a job I enjoyed, and supportive friends. Why would I have depression? It didn't make sense.

I was sitting in my 1995 Toyota Corolla. I was sobbing. For some strange reason, I thought my world was falling apart. I felt like I was in a fog that I couldn't get out of. I was talking to Jordan on the phone, and I finally gave it a name. I said something along the lines of:

"It's like my mind is sick. It's like something isn't working correctly. It's like...depression."

I think I had thought it in my head before, but I had never said it out loud. It's incredible what can happen when you realize that is what it is. I am not broken, my mind is just struggling. I am not crazy, my brain is just out of balance. I will not be like this forever, I can get through it.

It still helps me to get through. Sometimes I still start to believe that I am crazy. I start to believe I can't get out of the fog. With the help of God and others, I always do. When I am able to remember that depression is something I sometimes have, it isn't who I am, I feel so much hope.

God loves us, and life is good!

That Looming Feeling...

I am having a wonderful Summer. I am really enjoying my job, working in the yard, trying to keep the house clean, and getting to spend time with my hubby, family, and friends. Evenings are free to be spent relaxing and enjoying time with loved ones. Along with the the summertime fun is the looming reminder that school starts soon. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy learning and know it will be totally worth it, I just know it comes with a lot of hard work, stress, and anxiety. This will be my last year, and the 2 semesters will be packed with hours of student teaching, preparing, planning, and homework. The thought of it is overwhelming and a bit scary. I also know I can do it. I have so much support and the results of the hard work is a diploma! I am sure there will be lots of prayers, some tears, late nights, and goals reached. Can't wait to be class of 2014!