Musical Number...Part 2

This song is so good, I had to split it into a couple of different parts to make sure I felt I had given it justice. (To read Part 1 click here.)

The chorus of the song goes like this,

"He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words

Could take away your sorrow

And no human eyes could see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you."

Anxiety and depression can be hard because a lot of times you can't tell someone is going through it on the outside. If you were physically sick, you would have people asking how you are feeling or bringing you "Get well!" cards, but when you are mentally sick, there may be very few or even no people who know your situation. Further still, many people (not because of a fault of their own) don't understand anxiety and depression. They may think you are just going through a phase or that it is "all in your head."
This song reminds me that Jesus understands. Even when it seems like nothing on earth can help, Jesus can.

Musical Number Part 1

Last Monday, a sister in my church asked me if I would play the piano for a musical number she was doing for our Sunday meeting. At first, I was thinking I couldn't do it, we don't own a piano yet, and I am working two jobs for the next couple of weeks. I found out that the song was all in the key of C (no sharps or flats), so I decided I could probably do it without hours and hours practice.

The song was, "He'll Carry You" by Hilary Weeks. As I played it and listened to this sister sing, the song touched my heart in so many ways. The first verse goes like this... 

"He knows your heart

He knows your pain

He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today

He sees the tears that you cry

He knows your soul is aching to know why

He hears your prayers, each humble word

When you said you couldn't face another day he understood

He knows the path that you will find

Though you felt alone He's never left your side."

The line, 'He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today,' especially hit home with me. When I was in the depths of anxiety and depression, just breathing was a huge accomplishment. Sometimes I tell myself that is all I have to do for a few minutes, "All you have to do is breathe."

There were times I felt completely alone, but I know He never left my side.

Why Me?

In dealing with anxiety/depression, there have been times when I have thought, "Why me?" It can be scary to not know if you are going to be able to control your emotions at a certain point or wonder why you can't seem to think straight. It can be embarrassing to go through a panic attack or try to explain to someone how you are feeling when you don't understand it fully yourself. It can be hard to feel like you are the only one, or that you are going crazy and there is nothing you can do about it.
I realized the other day, that I think part of my anxiety may be triggered by the fact that I am so passionate about so many things. I love my family and friends, I love my religion, and I love my country. I am sometimes shy, but I am very passionate and opinionated about these things. When I feel out of control or worried someone I love is hurting, it is almost too much for me. When I let myself feel like I am not good enough, it can bring me way down.
I've thought about it, and even though I deal with anxiety and depression, I wouldn't take away my passion for the things I love in order to get rid of my struggle. I would rather have some ups and downs along the way than be an emotional stone. My passion for the things I love make me who I am. As I go through out my day, I try to remember that God knows me and He has a plan for me.

Quite possibly the most patient man in the world...and his crazy wife ;)

Living With a Black Dog: Part 2

Here I am again to talk about this wonderful book written by Matthew Johnstone,

"Living With a Black Dog: His Name is Depression." (To read Part 1, click here.)

I wanted to focus today on the page of this book that says, 

"A Black Dog may try to convince you that if you ever tell anyone about him, you will be judged. The truth is, being emotionally genuine with close friends and family can make all the difference in the world. Letting the Dog out is far better than keeping him in."

When I first started being affected by anxiety/depression heavily, I was afraid to tell anyone except my husband (then, boyfriend). I was afraid of being judged. I was afraid people would think I was weak and didn't have any self control. He encouraged me to talk to my family and friends about it when appropriate. When I opened up to my family, it was amazing how much it helped me. As I have stated in other posts, I learned the more I talked about my anxiety, the smaller it became. I grew closer to my family and close friends as I opened up to them. Through this blog I have grown and learned of so many other people who have had similar experiences and feelings to me. (I love hearing from you guys!)

Even if it is hard, try to open up about your feelings to someone you trust. Opening up to someone can build a stronger relationship and help you work through your anxiety/depression.

Inadequate

Today, I started to feel that feeling of inadequacy. I started to think of all the things I don't do well, my flaws, my imperfections... I tried to imagine myself with the Savior. I imagined him whispering in my ear, "Everything is going to be okay." This helped me remember how much He loves me, flaws and all.

While I'm Waiting

Before I was hit full on with anxiety myself, I watched two of my loved ones live with it. It was a hard time in our lives. It took a long time, but our family recovered and things got back to the way we were used to. Then, a nightmare came. Something totally unexpected came into our lives and we weren't sure how to react. My biggest fear was that my family members were going to plunge deep into the depths of anxiety again. I was terrified. I didn't know what to think or what to do. I felt helpless.

Like thoughts sometimes do, one popped into my head to read some scriptures. I have always loved the Psalms, so I opened up to them and found this scripture:

God sent me this scripture on that hard day. It gave me the strength I needed. It didn't give me all the answers, but it told me that the Lord was aware of me and my family and the situation we were in. Sometimes it is hard to wait, but the Lord has a plan for all of us, and He loves us.

"I'm waiting on You, Lord.

And I am hopeful.

I'm waiting on You, Lord,

Though it is painful,

but patiently, I will wait."

-John Waller "While I'm Waiting" 

Thank you, Chieko.

As I live with anxiety, I am not alone. I have support from my sweet husband, my family, God, my friends, and others. For some of my first posts I wanted to mention some outside sources that have really helped me in my journey with anxiety. One person who has helped me in countless ways is a woman named Chieko Okazaki. The strange thing about our relationship is that she doesn't know who I am. In fact, she passed away last year. She has written several books for women in the LDS church. I was introduced to her writings when a woman in my ward used a powerful quote from one of her books. The quote hit me with such force I couldn't go many days without getting a hold of that book. The quote talked about our Savior and how He died for us and knows exactly who we are and what we are going through. I had heard this many times before, but the way she described it so specifically and personally touched me in a way I had never felt before. I knew that even though my anxiety made me feel alone, I wasn't. Not only do I have loved ones on earth who care about me, I have a Heavenly Father and a Savior, Jesus Christ, who know me perfectly and love me with a perfect love. My Savior knows all the emotions I have as a result of anxiety. He has felt the frustration and despair I feel at times. I am not alone.

I would suggest this book to anyone and everyone. Ironically, I visit the DI (Deseret Industries) often, and there are always at least two copies of the book there. This has shocked me because the book helped me in my life so much I can't imagine not having it on my bookshelf.