My Quiet Book

A common thing you will see at church is a "Quiet Book." Parents keep these books stashed in their diaper bags to pull out when children are starting to lose interest in sitting quietly and listening. There are a variety of different types of quiet books. Many include pictures of Jesus, scripture stories, letters, numbers, etc. The goal of the quiet book is to help a child stay reverent by keeping them appropriately entertained.

I recently started to make myself a quiet book. My quiet book has a slightly different goal, though. My quiet book is made to help me in those moments when I find myself losing hope. It is for those moments when the fog of anxiety and depression becomes so thick that I start to forget how good life is.

In my quiet book, there are a variety of scriptures, quotes, song lyrics, etc. that each have a special place in my heart. I enjoy typing up these words and try to make them look beautiful with pictures and colors. When I read and add to my quiet book, I feel God's love for me and I am reminded that my anxiety and depression are not in control.

One of the pages in my quiet book.

Life is Still Very Good

THE BAD NEWS: To be honest, my anxiety has kicked up big time lately. When it has been mild for a while and then comes back in full swing, it is scary. It reminds me how powerful anxiety can be. I know it is getting difficult when I start to feel "outside of myself." I get so wrapped up in my mind, that I forget to live in the present.

THE GOOD NEWS: I know it is temporary. I know God and my family love me. I know that even though sometimes it feel like the world is collapsing around me, it isn't.

If you find yourself feeling very anxious or depressed, don't try to figure it out yourself. Talk to someone you trust: a church leader, family member, friend, doctor, etc. Someone who can help you and remind you that life is still very good.

Anxiety & Depression: Girls Camp Challenge Course

I recently returned from Girls Camp. (Girls Camp is where LDS girls ages 12-18 go with their church leaders camping. There are fun things, spiritual experiences, etc. This was my first time going to Girl's Camp as a leader.)

One of the activities we did at Girls Camp was a Challenge Course. It consisted of climbing a rope ladder about 30-40 feet up, walking across a rickety bridge, and then zip lining to the ground again. While doing this, you are wearing a harness and helmet. There were couple missionaries who helped the girls through the entire course. It was 100% safe. If a girl were to lose her balance and fall, she would fall about 1 inch before she was caught. When girls would get nervous or scared, we would reassure them. "You aren't going to get hurt." "They have you." "If you fall, they will catch you." "You are in no danger."

Even though we reassured the girls, there were still some who struggled. When I did the course myself, I had to continue to tell myself that I could not fall. They had me. I was completely secure...Even though I KNEW this, it was still so scary! It took a lot of faith and trust to get through that course! I "randomly" found this quote a few hours after doing the challenge course. Right when I read it, it reminded me of the course I had completed and watched others complete just a few hours earlier.  

"The Savior said, 'Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you...Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid' (John 14:27). I submit to you, that may be one of the Savior's commandments that is, even in the hearts of otherwise faithful Latter-day Saints, almost universally disobeyed; and yet I wonder whether our resistance to this invitation could be any more grievous to the Lord's merciful heart. I can tell you this as a parent: as concerned as I would be if somewhere in their lives one of my children were seriously troubled or unhappy or disobedient, nevertheless I would be infinitely more devastated if I felt that at such a time that child could not trust me to help or thought his or her interest was unimportant to me or unsafe in my care. In that same spirit, I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when He finds that His people do not feel confident in His care of secure in His hands or trust in His commandments" -Jeffrey R. Holland ("Come Unto Me," Ensign, Apr. 1998, 19).

The missionaries running the course reassured us several times that the course was completely safe. When I was on the route, I had to decide if I was going to trust them, the others I had seen safely (and securely) cross the course, and others assuring me OR if I was going to believe the pounding fear in my mind. I had to choose faith over fear.

There was one point when I was on the course when I felt like I wasn't very secure. It was when I was crossing the rickety bridge high off the ground. I started to walk across, and it felt like I could easily fall. I had to remind myself that the missionaries were at the bottom holding that rope that was attached to me. Even though I couldn't feel the tension at that moment, they were watching me and would catch me instantly if I fell.

The missionaries go to a great extent to ensure the safety of all those using the course. I would assume that when people (like myself) are choosing to listen to their fears, the missionaries may feel a little frustrated. Their top priority is safety, and at times we choose to believe that we are going to get hurt on the course.

Like the quote above says, we are told in the scriptures over and over again not to fear. God is watching over us. Sometimes we might think He isn't there or that He doesn't care about us. But, just like the missionaries helping me through the course, God is always there even thought I may not always feel or think He is.

Sometimes, I allow my anxiety and depression to overcome my faith. Similar to when I couldn't feel the tension in the rope, I allow myself to think that God isn't there or that He doesn't care. This couldn't be further from the truth. He is always there, He is holding the rope to keep me (and you!) from falling.

Keep It Simple!

At church today, we had a sweet older gentleman give a talk. One thing he said that stuck with me was...KISS...Keep it simple stupid! I'd heard it before, but I loved it. I wonder how many kids turned to their moms and said, "Did he just say stupid!?" It was funny, but I love that phrase. Keep it simple. How often do we add extra stress to our lives because we make them complicated? Sometimes we expect huge things from ourselves when we could just keep it simple. Later today, we went back in the evening for a trek fireside (it's another meeting that they sometimes hold after church...when I was a kid, I thought fire fighters were there). We are on a committee for trek, so we had a table set up for our ward (church group) youth to sign up for trek. They had asked us to make a sign to post on our table so that our youth knew which table they needed to go to (there were several different wards there). About two minutes before we left for the fireside, I used some markers and wrote our ward's name on a piece of printer paper with a note that said, "Sign up here!" Simple.

When we got there, some of the other tables had extremely elaborate signs. I was a little self conscious for a minute. My sign looked pretty pitiful compared to theirs. Then I realized, our signs were doing the exact same job, but mine had taken me about 10 seconds. It has been a crazy week, I didn't have time to make a beautiful sign. Also, I don't think they expected that. My sign did it's job perfectly.

Now, I know some people really enjoy making things like that, so I am not criticizing them. I am just saying that we shouldn't think that we HAVE to do things elaborately all the time. If you enjoy making a beautiful sign, go for it, but don't stress yourself out over it. A lot of my anxiety comes from expecting way too much from myself. Sometimes we may enjoy going above and beyond what is expected of us, but at other times, doing the bare minimum is completely acceptable.

Here are a few ways I try to keep it simple: (but I have to admit...sometimes I feel guilty about keeping it simple. I am going to try to stop that! Simple is not a bad thing!)

• My husband and I frequently eat off of paper plates. Does this make me a bad wife? I don't think so (although sometimes I worry about it). It does make it so I can spend more time with my husband instead of washing dishes. 
• I really am a little embarrassed about this one, I didn't send out thank you cards to everyone for our wedding gifts. (Does that make me an awful person!?) I am SO grateful for all of the gifts (people are so generous!), I just figured people look at the card for two seconds and then it goes in the trash. (I hope I don't get struck by lightning for this!)
• When one of my professors asks for a 4-6 page paper, I write 4. 
• When Jordan and I were over a large activity for our church, there wasn't any fluffy stuff. It was extremely successful, but I didn't worry about things such as decorations, pretty napkins, etc. My mind couldn't handle stuff like that! We had a wonderful time, and it was very simple. 
• In the Education program, a lot of people feel it is necessary to give cute little handouts when they do a class presentation. (Again, I'm not criticizing, some people love that stuff). When I do a presentation, sorry, but there aren't going to be any cutesy handouts!

When times get hard, remember to keep it simple! (And remember, you're not stupid!)

A sweet friend of mine who writes a blog wrote a post that was very similar to this subject. She talks about sometimes just needing a "Pajama Day." I totally agree, sometimes we just need a mental health day. Read her thoughts here.

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day!!

Musical Number Part 1

Last Monday, a sister in my church asked me if I would play the piano for a musical number she was doing for our Sunday meeting. At first, I was thinking I couldn't do it, we don't own a piano yet, and I am working two jobs for the next couple of weeks. I found out that the song was all in the key of C (no sharps or flats), so I decided I could probably do it without hours and hours practice.

The song was, "He'll Carry You" by Hilary Weeks. As I played it and listened to this sister sing, the song touched my heart in so many ways. The first verse goes like this... 

"He knows your heart

He knows your pain

He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today

He sees the tears that you cry

He knows your soul is aching to know why

He hears your prayers, each humble word

When you said you couldn't face another day he understood

He knows the path that you will find

Though you felt alone He's never left your side."

The line, 'He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today,' especially hit home with me. When I was in the depths of anxiety and depression, just breathing was a huge accomplishment. Sometimes I tell myself that is all I have to do for a few minutes, "All you have to do is breathe."

There were times I felt completely alone, but I know He never left my side.

Live Without Pretending

I wish I could take credit for this cute graphic, but I must give props to one of my favorite shows, Studio5. On this local morning show, they had this theme for the month of February, "Live Without Pretending." Their challenge to everyone was to truly embrace your life, imperfections and all. They encouraged people to even post pictures of things they would normally hide such as eating an entire carton of ice cream, what they look like without make-up on or hair done, or a messy room in their home. I feel the goal of it was to help us connect better with other people. None of us are perfect, so why do we sometimes try to pretend we are? 

While I don't think we should tell everyone about all of our imperfections and flaws, I think it is important to be genuine and real with people. It makes you much more personable and it can help create friendships that will last a lifetime.

The other day, I forgot a sweet woman from my church was coming over in the morning to kind of give me a run-down on the new class I am teaching. When I let her in, I was mortified. My house was literally a disaster. This was just after I found out I had celiac disease, so almost all of the contents of my pantry were all over the kitchen as I was figuring out what I could and couldn't eat. Since the kitchen was such a mess, we hadn't worried too much about straightening up the night before because I knew I was going to tackle all of it in the morning. So, seriously, my house was SCARY. I tried to explain to my friend why my house was so horridly messy and kept apologizing. Finally, she said, "Chelsea, seriously don't worry about. It is just fine." The funny thing was I really believed her. I didn't feel she was judging me or thinking I was a horrible housekeeper. She was being real with me. Her house has likely been extremely messy before, and she understood. Even though it was embarrassing, I am happy I had this experience. It helped me to be more real.

One of my ways of trying to live without pretending is to write on this blog. I hope sharing my experiences  with depression and anxiety can help other people. The more we talk, the more we can relate. The more we can relate the richer our friendships and lives will become.   

In the Church Parking Lot

I have always been a religious person. I was taught about God as a child and have always found great strength in attending church, reading the scriptures, and praying. When my anxiety was at its peak, I had the hardest time in church. When church was over, I would think, "Phew! I made it through another Sunday." My anxiety told me that I was worth nothing. It told me I didn’t belong there. It told me I should just give up. My anxiety would tell me I wasn’t good enough to be in the pews, that I couldn’t handle what was being taught, and basically that I was scum. There were a few months when I never went through a Sunday at church where I didn’t feel at some point that I needed to run, and I mean run, outside for some air. I never did run, because I knew deep inside that what my anxiety was telling me wasn’t true. Church is not a place for perfect people. Church is a place for sinners and mistake makers.

On one particular Sunday I was really having a hard time. My sister was sitting a few people down from me on the same row. I looked at her with a desperate face. That was all I needed to do. Between our next two meetings, my sister and I went to my car in the parking lot. I told her what was going on in my head. She comforted me and gave me her support. I felt better just being able to express myself to her. I told her I still believed in my religion 100%, it was just so hard to sit there with my anxiety telling me I'm nothing, telling me all the things being said in church are out of reach. She didn't judge me or tell me to get over it. She offered her love and support. It was so helpful. 

What my anxiety was telling me in church wasn't true. I needed to be there. I am not perfect, but I am loved by my Heavenly Father. Church is not a place for perfect people. Church is a place for sinners, mistake makers, and even those who have anxiety.    

Thank you, Chieko.

As I live with anxiety, I am not alone. I have support from my sweet husband, my family, God, my friends, and others. For some of my first posts I wanted to mention some outside sources that have really helped me in my journey with anxiety. One person who has helped me in countless ways is a woman named Chieko Okazaki. The strange thing about our relationship is that she doesn't know who I am. In fact, she passed away last year. She has written several books for women in the LDS church. I was introduced to her writings when a woman in my ward used a powerful quote from one of her books. The quote hit me with such force I couldn't go many days without getting a hold of that book. The quote talked about our Savior and how He died for us and knows exactly who we are and what we are going through. I had heard this many times before, but the way she described it so specifically and personally touched me in a way I had never felt before. I knew that even though my anxiety made me feel alone, I wasn't. Not only do I have loved ones on earth who care about me, I have a Heavenly Father and a Savior, Jesus Christ, who know me perfectly and love me with a perfect love. My Savior knows all the emotions I have as a result of anxiety. He has felt the frustration and despair I feel at times. I am not alone.

I would suggest this book to anyone and everyone. Ironically, I visit the DI (Deseret Industries) often, and there are always at least two copies of the book there. This has shocked me because the book helped me in my life so much I can't imagine not having it on my bookshelf.