Victory: Getting Back on My Medication (and being okay with it!)

A few months ago, I was feeling pretty dang good mentally. For some reason, I decided I could probably go off of my medication. I talked to my doctor about it, and I starting weaning myself off. Even though I was going off, I told myself I wouldn't be too proud to go back on. There's no shame in taking medication. The day I took my last pill, I got some pretty devastating news about a dear family friend. Even though it was hard, I did really well. I was doing okay!

As time went on, I was still okay, but I could sense more and more anxiety creeping up. Oddly enough, at first, I didn't really link it with going off the medication; until one day I was talking to my sisters. We were talking about anxiety and I said, "I've been having a hard time mentally lately, like ever since...(pause as realization occurs)...I went off my medication." I started laughing. It was so obvious!

I fought off a little bit of pride (even though I had told myself I wouldn't have any!) and decided it was probably a good idea to start looking into getting on medication again. I liked my doctor, but I didn't really feel like she was the right fit in my situation. So, I started praying about and researching for a new doctor. I found one that I really liked the description of, he mentioned working with anxiety and depression specifically in his online bio. I called and scheduled an appointment, but I couldn't be fit in for 3 weeks. That's a long time when your mental health isn't quite where you want it to be!

When the day finally came, I was really nervous/anxious about it. It can feel very vulnerable to talk to someone about your mental struggles. This new doctor was perfect. He sincerely listened to me, asked questions, and made me feel confident in my decision. It was a fabulous appointment. He got me a new prescription and I started that night.

For a second, part of me was upset. For a moment, I had seen getting off of medication as a victory. Now I'm back on. Lame. NO. It's not lame. It's a victory that I saw I was struggling and had the courage to find something to help me. It's a victory that I was able to push through that bit of pride that wanted to stay off the medication. It's a victory that I have learned strategies to help me through anxiety along with the help of the medication. It's a victory I can write about this and not be ashamed.

When I was really struggling and fighting my pride, I confided in my sister in one of the best ways possible...a Facebook message ;) She replied to me and said,

"I don't try to 'manage' my way through anymore. Yesterday I was on a walk with my friend and she had an allergy attack, the pollen was killing her and she called her husband to bring her her allergy medication that she takes in the spring and summer. I was like, 'Wow, we're breathing the same air and it affects us both so differently.' My eyes were maybe a little itchy from walking past a hayfield, but that was it. I need [medication] to function and regulate my emotions right now. She knows what it's like to be stressed or frustrated but she doesn't know what it's like to be totally incapacitated by your thoughts and feelings. So why would my friend 'try to be strong' when there is help available?"

I still live with my anxiety daily, but the medication helps me live with it so much better.

If you're struggling and think medication is the right option for you, I encourage you to go find a good and understanding doctor and talk to him or her about it. It can be hard, but it's worth it! If this small thing can help you go from okay to great, or from managing life to LIVING it, it's worth the time and effort it takes to get there!

Medication?

When people hear about medication for the brain, there can be a lot of negative stereotypes. When I first heard that some of my loved ones were going to be taking medication for their anxiety/depression, it worried me. I was afraid they were going to be "fake happy." I think this is a worry a lot of people have. Will I be dependent on the medication if I start taking it? Deciding to take or not take medication is a very personal decision, so I am not writing this post to tell you that you should or shouldn't take medicine. I am just writing what I understand about it and what has worked for me.
I was worried about taking medicine for a couple of reasons, the first I already mentioned, I was afraid I would be "fake happy." I was afraid that the medicine would make me "happy" and that I wouldn't be able to be "happy" without it. Second, I was afraid that if I started taking medicine it meant I was giving up on my prayers. I thought if I took medicine, it meant I wasn't trusting God with my problem. Third, I was afraid if I did start taking medicine it wouldn't help me, and then I would be hopeless. I learned a lot of things, first, I learned that the medicine doesn't make you "fake happy." When I met with the doctor, he explained to me that the medicine helps you clear your head. It doesn't put you on a "high." The medicine simply helps you to think more clearly, he described them as "vitamins for the brain." Second, I learned that by taking medicine, I was not giving up on my prayers or not trusting God. I realized that if I were physically sick, I would pray to get better AND take medicine for it. By taking medication, I am not giving up on God, I am simply helping myself as much as I can as I ask for His help. Third, I learned that the medicine is not meant to take all my anxiety away, it just helps me manage it better. It helps me to be myself.
I have been taking medicine for a few months now. It helps me, but I have never felt like I must have it in order to be happy or to enjoy life. I just helps me on my journey.
If you feel it is right, you can talk to a trusted doctor about it. Medication is something to be taken seriously, never abuse it.
Here is another word of wisdom from "Living With a Black Dog" by Matthew Johnstone,
"You will also learn that there are many different ways to treat a Black Dog [anxiety/depression], but there is no such thing as a quick fix or magic pill. Medication may be on part of an approach for some, but for others there might be a different method altogether."
I was also afraid to take medicine because I thought it might be embarrassing. One day, my dad told me, "There is no shame in taking medication." Those words have stuck with me.

Broken Garage Door from Heaven

For a long time before we were married, Jordan was the only one I would talk to about my anxiety. He encouraged me to open up about to my family. Especially my mom and sister. After a little while, and after talking to Jordan, I felt it would be a good decision to talk to a doctor about it. I talked to my mom and she said she would call a doctor that she has been to that she really respects and trusts. I was scared, but also ready to receive some medical help. My mom called and said that they would probably be able to get me in the next week. Around a day or two later, I was feeling very anxious and was wishing I could get to the doctor sooner. I woke up and decided to say a prayer. I prayed that, if possible, I would be able to get to the doctor sooner than next week and also that I would be able to talk to Jordan somehow soon. A few minutes after I prayed, I heard our home phone ring. My mom answered. A few minutes later, she called up the stairs to me and told me they could get me in earlier. What!? A few minutes after that, my cell phone started to ring. It was Jordan. What!? He called and was headed to work late because his garage door had broken. God had time to help me with these small things I was in need of. When I told Jordan this story, he jokingly said, “Oh, so it’s your fault that my garage door broke?”