What Teaching High School Has Taught Me About God

As I have worked as a teacher in the High School for the last few weeks (I can't act like I'm a pro, it really has only been about 11 days...but, let's pretend it has been a few years), I have realized how concerned teachers are for their students. I work with some seniors, so the pressure is very high to help them graduate. I have been touched as I have watched the efforts of teachers to support students in their goals.

I think back to when I was in High School, and sometimes I felt like I was the only one in that school who cared if I graduated. There was actually a moment when I realized I was a credit short when graduation was near. I ended up doing some packets for the last class and was able to walk and graduate from High School. It seemed so fragile then, like if I made one slip up, I wouldn't graduate. I realized as I have watched teachers at work, that there would have been many people available to support and help me reach my goal of graduation if I were to have fallen behind.

As I thought about this, I couldn't help but think about God and His hand in our lives. I know that there are so many things I and other teachers do to help our students that they don't even realize we do. We talk about them in meetings, check on their grades, check if they are on track for graduation, email parents and teachers, gather missing assignments, and the list goes on. Today, I went through all of my students to see who was failing my class and why. I wanted to be able to pay special attention to them so I could help them succeed in my class. There are so many things we do to help them that is behind the scenes. They don't even realize we are working to help them.

I think God works the same way. Who knows how many accidents he has protected us from? How many trials has He kept us from having to go through? How many times has He forgiven us for mistakes we seem to keep making? He is always watching over us, ready to help.

I was driving in my car the other day thinking about this connection between a teacher and God. I remember thinking, He's been in my life everyday. Even the days I have thought He was far away, He was right there. Sometimes my anxiety/depression tries to tell me that God doesn't care. It tries to tell me He isn't listening. As I drove in my car that day, I felt His love. I knew that He has been there through every moment of my life, happy and sad. I knew He was aware of my struggles then, and He is aware of my struggles now. He is constantly checking up on me, paying attention to my sorrows, and celebrating my triumphs. He is aware of every thought and every worry. What a comfort that is.

He loves me and you. His goal is for us to be happy and come to live with Him again. He wants us to graduate from this life with honors.

"We Need Not Live in Fear"

I don't think it was coincidence that one of my Facebook friends decided to post this quote the other day. It was exactly what I needed to read. Isn't cool how that happens? Tender mercies.

The Lord wants to help us in our lives. He won't make our choices for us, but He will guide us if we let Him. I am learning to quiet my fears by opening my heart to the Lord and His Spirit. Sometimes fear can consume me. As I learn to breathe and trust the Lord, my fears shrink. I am not perfect at it, there are times I still get consumed, but He is teaching me how to overcome. His love is so much greater than my fears!


My sister had a baby last night! It is incredible how little people cause you to look at the world so differently. He is a sweet spirit straight from heaven. We are so grateful that he is the newest member of our family! 

Musical Number...Part 2

This song is so good, I had to split it into a couple of different parts to make sure I felt I had given it justice. (To read Part 1 click here.)

The chorus of the song goes like this,

"He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words

Could take away your sorrow

And no human eyes could see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you."

Anxiety and depression can be hard because a lot of times you can't tell someone is going through it on the outside. If you were physically sick, you would have people asking how you are feeling or bringing you "Get well!" cards, but when you are mentally sick, there may be very few or even no people who know your situation. Further still, many people (not because of a fault of their own) don't understand anxiety and depression. They may think you are just going through a phase or that it is "all in your head."
This song reminds me that Jesus understands. Even when it seems like nothing on earth can help, Jesus can.

Heather

School is rough for me at times. I get frustrated because I'm a bit of a homebody. I enjoy learning, but I have been known to complain about school. During the Spring Semester of 2012, I was in a Math 1020 class at 7 o’clock in the morning. During that time I was experiencing high levels of anxiety about anything and everything. Going to school was really hard, especially so early in the morning. But, God had not forgotten me. He knew I was struggling. He sent me an angel friend who helped me get through the semester. Her name is Heather. I still remember when she sat next to me the first day. She said something like, “Well, I’m Heather, what is your name?” Right when you look at her you can tell she is a fun and kind person. We bonded quickly. It was not a rare occurrence for us to burst out laughing during class and miss some of the lecture we were supposed to be taking notes on. At times we worried that we drove the people around us a bit crazy. Heather made me laugh and made me feel like myself (anxiety has a way of stripping your identity from you). Some mornings I would feel like I couldn’t go to school that day, but I would remember my friend Heather was going to be in my first class, and I could go. One time, a girl who sat in front of us asked where Heather and I had met. I said, “In this class.” She said, “Seriously? I thought you had been friends for years!” I know God had her sit next to me so she could be a friend at this time in my life. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and I am grateful for her friendship.

Peace

I got sick this weekend. It wasn't very fun. My husband was an angel; helping me to feel comfortable and get better. There was a point where my anxiety started to really get into my head. I felt like I was having an "out of body experience." I felt so strange. I think it was a combinations of being physically sick and then the anxiety on top of it. There was a point when I really started to worry about something. I was scared. Then, I had a very peaceful feeling come over me. It was like Heavenly Father was saying, "You're going to be okay, don't worry." That moment was wonderful. Later, when I began to worry again, I was able to lean on that special moment I had had. I was able to tell myself everything would be okay. I am so grateful the Lord took a second to help me feel peaceful. It got me through the day!

While I'm Waiting

Before I was hit full on with anxiety myself, I watched two of my loved ones live with it. It was a hard time in our lives. It took a long time, but our family recovered and things got back to the way we were used to. Then, a nightmare came. Something totally unexpected came into our lives and we weren't sure how to react. My biggest fear was that my family members were going to plunge deep into the depths of anxiety again. I was terrified. I didn't know what to think or what to do. I felt helpless.

Like thoughts sometimes do, one popped into my head to read some scriptures. I have always loved the Psalms, so I opened up to them and found this scripture:

God sent me this scripture on that hard day. It gave me the strength I needed. It didn't give me all the answers, but it told me that the Lord was aware of me and my family and the situation we were in. Sometimes it is hard to wait, but the Lord has a plan for all of us, and He loves us.

"I'm waiting on You, Lord.

And I am hopeful.

I'm waiting on You, Lord,

Though it is painful,

but patiently, I will wait."

-John Waller "While I'm Waiting" 

Broken Garage Door from Heaven

For a long time before we were married, Jordan was the only one I would talk to about my anxiety. He encouraged me to open up about to my family. Especially my mom and sister. After a little while, and after talking to Jordan, I felt it would be a good decision to talk to a doctor about it. I talked to my mom and she said she would call a doctor that she has been to that she really respects and trusts. I was scared, but also ready to receive some medical help. My mom called and said that they would probably be able to get me in the next week. Around a day or two later, I was feeling very anxious and was wishing I could get to the doctor sooner. I woke up and decided to say a prayer. I prayed that, if possible, I would be able to get to the doctor sooner than next week and also that I would be able to talk to Jordan somehow soon. A few minutes after I prayed, I heard our home phone ring. My mom answered. A few minutes later, she called up the stairs to me and told me they could get me in earlier. What!? A few minutes after that, my cell phone started to ring. It was Jordan. What!? He called and was headed to work late because his garage door had broken. God had time to help me with these small things I was in need of. When I told Jordan this story, he jokingly said, “Oh, so it’s your fault that my garage door broke?”    

How I Know God Likes Country Music

As Jordan (my husband) and I were dating I experienced high levels of anxiety. I don’t really know why, it just happened. I had anxiety about everything. Even though it was rough, it helped Jordan and I get to know each other in a very special way. He would help me through panic attacks (he still does) and he never gave up on me. One day I was on my way to class at the University. For some reason I was completely and totally overwhelmed this day. My mind was cloudy, nothing was making sense, and I thought I was beyond hope. My mind was telling me there was nothing good in the world, and even if there was, I wasn't worthy to be a partaker of it. As I drove to school, I just cried and cried. It was on Highway 89 that the radio began to play one of my two favorite songs, Lady Antebellum’s “Just a Kiss.” My tears of frustration and anger softened as I listened to the words. I was in shock when right after this song, my other favorite song came on the radio, “Crazy Girl” by the Eli Young Band. I was still crying, but they were now tears of gratitude. I took this as God’s way of showing me He loved me. He knew I was having a hard time, but He was still with me. There were one or two other times when I felt hopeless and these songs came on the radio right after another. I don’t know exactly how God works, but I do know he got my country station to play those songs when I needed them. I felt it was God tapping me on the shoulder to say, “I’m still here, I love you.”

God Has A Way of Working With People Like Me

My brain is, at times, a pool of fear, waiting for my thoughts to come and take a swim.

I sit and worry, placing myself in worst case scenarios and situations. 

I feel alone, I feel cornered, I feel hope being sucked from me.

But, God has a way of working with people like me.

He sends me His love through a song, a friend, a lesson, a feeling, a scripture, a thought...

It is His way of tapping me on the shoulder to say, "Remember Me? I'm here for you."

"I know what you're going through, I know your thoughts. Just trust Me, everything is going to be okay."

The Lord has a way of fixing things that are broken. He can turn chaos to peace. He can turn a mess into a masterpiece.

God has a way of working with people like me.

Thank you, Chieko.

As I live with anxiety, I am not alone. I have support from my sweet husband, my family, God, my friends, and others. For some of my first posts I wanted to mention some outside sources that have really helped me in my journey with anxiety. One person who has helped me in countless ways is a woman named Chieko Okazaki. The strange thing about our relationship is that she doesn't know who I am. In fact, she passed away last year. She has written several books for women in the LDS church. I was introduced to her writings when a woman in my ward used a powerful quote from one of her books. The quote hit me with such force I couldn't go many days without getting a hold of that book. The quote talked about our Savior and how He died for us and knows exactly who we are and what we are going through. I had heard this many times before, but the way she described it so specifically and personally touched me in a way I had never felt before. I knew that even though my anxiety made me feel alone, I wasn't. Not only do I have loved ones on earth who care about me, I have a Heavenly Father and a Savior, Jesus Christ, who know me perfectly and love me with a perfect love. My Savior knows all the emotions I have as a result of anxiety. He has felt the frustration and despair I feel at times. I am not alone.

I would suggest this book to anyone and everyone. Ironically, I visit the DI (Deseret Industries) often, and there are always at least two copies of the book there. This has shocked me because the book helped me in my life so much I can't imagine not having it on my bookshelf.