I Love My Counselor

The first time I went to my counselor, I was so scared. I know my body language was very closed, but I didn't know what to do about it. One of the first things she said to me was, "Let's be honest, counseling is weird." I chuckled and relaxed a little. She's funny. She's real. That's good. Real good.

A few weeks earlier, I had called my doctor to ask for his suggestions on a counselor. Due to his and my sister's suggestion, I felt like seeking one out was a good choice for me. I had recently gotten back on my medication and I was doing pretty well, but the thought of having a professional I could go to just to talk about life with and explain what was going on in my head seemed amazing. My doctor suggested a certain company, so I went to their website. I said many silent prayers asking for guidance in this critical decision. I clicked on a few people and read their bios, but as I scrolled through 20+ counselors, I was thinking, "How on earth do you choose one?" I can't really explain it, but when I saw a certain counselor's picture, I felt really good about choosing her. The only thing I can attribute it to is Heavenly Father letting me know that one was a good choice for me.

I had to  make a few phone calls to our insurance company to make sure she was covered and to the counseling company to see if she was accepting new clients. Luckily, both answers were yes! A week or two later, I dropped off my little boy to my mom and found myself in the waiting room. I was so nervous. I kept thinking of the ways movies often stereotypically portray people who go to counselors (Darn Hollywood!). I also had the silly thought, "What if someone I know sees me walk in here? What will they think?" Then, "Oh well, this will probably end up on my blog anyway." :)

On my first visit, she talked about how she knew it would take time for me to trust her and that was okay. She also told me that if, for one reason or another, I didn't feel our personalities meshed or that she wasn't the right fit for me, she would not be offended if I felt I needed to find someone else. These statements alone helped me to begin to trust her.

I am very grateful that I didn't feel the need to find someone else. I have now been to see my counselor 10+ times and I always learn something of value. I love that she never thinks I'm crazy, but reassures me that things are going to be okay. I also realized something the other day, I realized that she doesn't "fix" my problems. What she does do is show me a different way of looking at things and she gives me tools and principles that help me work through things on my own. I have been amazed at how simple many of the "answers" are. As I have tried to apply the things she has taught me about, I have found myself applying them in situations I haven't even brought up in our conversations. Hopefully that means I'm learning something!

For me, my counselor has literally been a gift from heaven.

If you or a loved one are considering going to a counselor, I would say, DO IT! I would also say, be very prayerful about your choice and don't be afraid to switch if you aren't comfortable with the person you have chosen. It's a process and it may take some time, but I believe that in the end you will be grateful you stuck it out.

Victory: Getting Back on My Medication (and being okay with it!)

A few months ago, I was feeling pretty dang good mentally. For some reason, I decided I could probably go off of my medication. I talked to my doctor about it, and I starting weaning myself off. Even though I was going off, I told myself I wouldn't be too proud to go back on. There's no shame in taking medication. The day I took my last pill, I got some pretty devastating news about a dear family friend. Even though it was hard, I did really well. I was doing okay!

As time went on, I was still okay, but I could sense more and more anxiety creeping up. Oddly enough, at first, I didn't really link it with going off the medication; until one day I was talking to my sisters. We were talking about anxiety and I said, "I've been having a hard time mentally lately, like ever since...(pause as realization occurs)...I went off my medication." I started laughing. It was so obvious!

I fought off a little bit of pride (even though I had told myself I wouldn't have any!) and decided it was probably a good idea to start looking into getting on medication again. I liked my doctor, but I didn't really feel like she was the right fit in my situation. So, I started praying about and researching for a new doctor. I found one that I really liked the description of, he mentioned working with anxiety and depression specifically in his online bio. I called and scheduled an appointment, but I couldn't be fit in for 3 weeks. That's a long time when your mental health isn't quite where you want it to be!

When the day finally came, I was really nervous/anxious about it. It can feel very vulnerable to talk to someone about your mental struggles. This new doctor was perfect. He sincerely listened to me, asked questions, and made me feel confident in my decision. It was a fabulous appointment. He got me a new prescription and I started that night.

For a second, part of me was upset. For a moment, I had seen getting off of medication as a victory. Now I'm back on. Lame. NO. It's not lame. It's a victory that I saw I was struggling and had the courage to find something to help me. It's a victory that I was able to push through that bit of pride that wanted to stay off the medication. It's a victory that I have learned strategies to help me through anxiety along with the help of the medication. It's a victory I can write about this and not be ashamed.

When I was really struggling and fighting my pride, I confided in my sister in one of the best ways possible...a Facebook message ;) She replied to me and said,

"I don't try to 'manage' my way through anymore. Yesterday I was on a walk with my friend and she had an allergy attack, the pollen was killing her and she called her husband to bring her her allergy medication that she takes in the spring and summer. I was like, 'Wow, we're breathing the same air and it affects us both so differently.' My eyes were maybe a little itchy from walking past a hayfield, but that was it. I need [medication] to function and regulate my emotions right now. She knows what it's like to be stressed or frustrated but she doesn't know what it's like to be totally incapacitated by your thoughts and feelings. So why would my friend 'try to be strong' when there is help available?"

I still live with my anxiety daily, but the medication helps me live with it so much better.

If you're struggling and think medication is the right option for you, I encourage you to go find a good and understanding doctor and talk to him or her about it. It can be hard, but it's worth it! If this small thing can help you go from okay to great, or from managing life to LIVING it, it's worth the time and effort it takes to get there!

Living With a Black Dog: Part 3

Every time I read this book by Matthew Johnstone, I am amazed at the accuracy the author has in describing exactly how depression can cause you to feel. A page that hit me today says,

"People who've had a Black Dog in their lives often say that in retrospect, 'the Dog' probably had been sniffing around for a long time. They just didn't have the understanding and knowledge to give it a name."

It took me a long time to realize what was going on in my life. Depression was one of those things that only happened to "other people." I didn't think it was something that could happen to me. When I realized what it was, my world began to change. It didn't make it go away, but it helped me to understand it and realize I wasn't broken (even though I felt like it).
I was scared to realize I had depression. There are so many unknowns and things that are hard to understand. I guess that is why I talk and blog about it. Expressing my experiences and hearing about the things others have been through helps me to understand it better.
What I have learned is that depression and anxiety are a part of my life at times, but they do not define me.

Read parts one and two of "Living With a Black Dog"

Questions about taking medicine for anxiety/depression? I had them too, read about it here.

Medication?

When people hear about medication for the brain, there can be a lot of negative stereotypes. When I first heard that some of my loved ones were going to be taking medication for their anxiety/depression, it worried me. I was afraid they were going to be "fake happy." I think this is a worry a lot of people have. Will I be dependent on the medication if I start taking it? Deciding to take or not take medication is a very personal decision, so I am not writing this post to tell you that you should or shouldn't take medicine. I am just writing what I understand about it and what has worked for me.
I was worried about taking medicine for a couple of reasons, the first I already mentioned, I was afraid I would be "fake happy." I was afraid that the medicine would make me "happy" and that I wouldn't be able to be "happy" without it. Second, I was afraid that if I started taking medicine it meant I was giving up on my prayers. I thought if I took medicine, it meant I wasn't trusting God with my problem. Third, I was afraid if I did start taking medicine it wouldn't help me, and then I would be hopeless. I learned a lot of things, first, I learned that the medicine doesn't make you "fake happy." When I met with the doctor, he explained to me that the medicine helps you clear your head. It doesn't put you on a "high." The medicine simply helps you to think more clearly, he described them as "vitamins for the brain." Second, I learned that by taking medicine, I was not giving up on my prayers or not trusting God. I realized that if I were physically sick, I would pray to get better AND take medicine for it. By taking medication, I am not giving up on God, I am simply helping myself as much as I can as I ask for His help. Third, I learned that the medicine is not meant to take all my anxiety away, it just helps me manage it better. It helps me to be myself.
I have been taking medicine for a few months now. It helps me, but I have never felt like I must have it in order to be happy or to enjoy life. I just helps me on my journey.
If you feel it is right, you can talk to a trusted doctor about it. Medication is something to be taken seriously, never abuse it.
Here is another word of wisdom from "Living With a Black Dog" by Matthew Johnstone,
"You will also learn that there are many different ways to treat a Black Dog [anxiety/depression], but there is no such thing as a quick fix or magic pill. Medication may be on part of an approach for some, but for others there might be a different method altogether."
I was also afraid to take medicine because I thought it might be embarrassing. One day, my dad told me, "There is no shame in taking medication." Those words have stuck with me.