Relief and Pure Joy

On this day one year ago, my boyfriend magically turned into my fiance. The night before, I was having one of my anxiety struggles. It was time for him to go home and I didn't want to say good bye. He casually said, "How about this, you come over to my house for dinner tomorrow night. I'll make tacos."
I thought this was a great idea, it helped me feel better, and we said good night.
The next day, about an hour before I was going to head to Jordan's, I was just chilling on the couch, surfing Pinterest. My sister said she had to go do something with some people from the church, and my parents and brother said they were going to look at a couch they were thinking about buying.
I told them I wouldn't be home when they got home because I was going to Jordan's for dinner...little did I know...
I drove to Jordan's and went to the door. To my surprise, when I walked in, there were A TON of people there! Jordan's mom, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, 2 nieces, best friend and sons, 2 uncles, aunt, 3 cousins, my mom, dad, 2 sisters, niece, and brother. They were all holding cameras, smiling, and cheering.
I was slightly confused, then Jordan's niece told me they were all here for my engagement party.
Jordan stepped out, got down on one knee, and my tears started. I didn't hesitate at all to say YES!

 This picture to me symbolizes relief and pure joy. After months of anxiety, I was receiving what my anxiety told me was impossible. I am so grateful this moment was captured.

***Interjection! If I may, I realized a while after posting this that it could be confusing why I express the feeling of relief. Why relief? Well, at that time, my anxiety was telling me daily that I couldn't be with my Jordan. It was telling me I didn't deserve him, I didn't deserve a happy life, etc. etc. When he proposed, all the anxiety was put to the side and I experienced peace and joy. Relief, I hadn't let my anxiety win. Time and time again I would start to slide back into my anxiety. I would begin to believe I wasn't worth anything again. Remembering this moment of joy, peace, and relief got me through...and my Jordan!***

Introducing...Lady Bug!

So, the Monday before last, I convinced Jordan it was a good idea that we get a cat. So, we went to our local Petsmart and adopted a sweet 1 1/2 year old girl. Her name is Lady Bug.
I can't lie, I started to have a little anxiety about this new little friend in our home. I am still adjusting to trying to keep a house clean, and a cat can make that a little more difficult. At first, we kept all her things (food, litter box, etc.) in our upstairs bathroom. We also kept her in there when we were gone. After she was more used to our house, we moved her to the basement. She has her own fouton, homemade scratching post (thanks Jordy!), bed, food dish, litter box, etc. She comes upstairs when we are home, but when we are gone, she has the whole basement to herself.
When she sits in our laps while we watch TV, and we almost have to turn up the volume because she is purring so loudly, I realize that the little bit of extra work is totally worth it. Providing a little animal with a loving home has made me feel very happy.

Our "Little Bug"

Why Me?

In dealing with anxiety/depression, there have been times when I have thought, "Why me?" It can be scary to not know if you are going to be able to control your emotions at a certain point or wonder why you can't seem to think straight. It can be embarrassing to go through a panic attack or try to explain to someone how you are feeling when you don't understand it fully yourself. It can be hard to feel like you are the only one, or that you are going crazy and there is nothing you can do about it.
I realized the other day, that I think part of my anxiety may be triggered by the fact that I am so passionate about so many things. I love my family and friends, I love my religion, and I love my country. I am sometimes shy, but I am very passionate and opinionated about these things. When I feel out of control or worried someone I love is hurting, it is almost too much for me. When I let myself feel like I am not good enough, it can bring me way down.
I've thought about it, and even though I deal with anxiety and depression, I wouldn't take away my passion for the things I love in order to get rid of my struggle. I would rather have some ups and downs along the way than be an emotional stone. My passion for the things I love make me who I am. As I go through out my day, I try to remember that God knows me and He has a plan for me.

Quite possibly the most patient man in the world...and his crazy wife ;)

Hope from a Dandelion

I've been going through a bit of a rough patch with my anxiety lately. It's hard. I don't like to go places by myself. I made Jordan come with me to Wal-Mart the other day, something I would have normally quickly run and done by myself. Driving alone to school for 25 minutes can be hard. My mind tends to play tricks on me when I am alone.
Even in a rough patch, life is still good. I was feeling pretty low last Friday, but then I got to go and visit my 3-year-old niece. She is the cutest thing you have ever seen. We had a "tea party" (made complete with the clinking of our pink plastic princess cups), ate Rolo's, danced to "Beauty and the Beast," and played outside. During our tea party when her cheeks were full of water, when she was standing on the counter and asked if I wanted another Rolo, when we were dancing and she asked me to spin her around, and when she picked a yellow dandelion and said it was for me...I forgot about my anxiety...My fears were gone, taken over by how much I love that little girl. Hope fills me when I think of this. Anxiety is strong, but there are so many things that are stronger. 
I called Jordan while my niece and I were playing. He could hear the laughter in my voice and commented on how I feel better after I have been with her. It's hard not to feel great after spending just a little time with her sweet spirit. 

Happy Girl

These lyrics touched my heart today,

"I used to live in a darkened room
Had a face of stone and a heart of gloom
Lost my hope, I was so far gone.
Cryin' all my tears with the curtains drawn.
I didn't know until my soul broke free,
I've got these angels watching over me.
...
I used to hide in a party crowd
Bottled up inside feeling so left out
Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes
With my frozen smile and my lighted fuse.
Now every time I start to feel like that,
I roll my heart out like a welcome mat.
...
Laugh when I feel like it,
Cry when I feel like it
That's how my life is, that's how it goes.
....
Oh, watch me go, I'm a happy girl.
Everybody knows
that the sweetest thing that you'll ever see
in the whole wide world
is a happy girl."

-Martina McBride, "Happy Girl."

I've had angels watching over me, learned to let myself laugh and cry, and I am trying to learn to "roll my heart out like a welcome mat." I am a Happy Girl.