Anxiety: I am Flawed

I had a realization the other day...I am flawed. There are some things I don't do very well. My bathroom is a mess most the time (bobby pins, contact cases, q-tips, toothpaste, you name it!), I don't sweep my kitchen floor as often as I should, and my husband finds my colorful-looks-like-a-six-year-old-should-be-wearing-them socks...everywhere. Sometimes I am a good cook, but it is often that I have to turn on the fan above the oven because something boiled over. I procrastinate a lot. I am slow to respond to text messages (ask my family, friends, and visiting teaching companion). Sometimes I look at my phone when people are talking to me (I'm working on it!) and I am often a few minutes late to functions. I am very forgetful sometimes.

My flaws are things that I think about often. "I didn't put that dish in the dishwasher," "I haven't vacuumed for a while," "We have had tacos for dinner three times in the last two weeks."

Anxiety/Depression gives me some flaws. Sometimes I need a few minutes to relax before I feel like I can handle life again. Sometimes I get really down on myself. Sometimes I don't think about others as much as I should.

As a teacher, you are constantly picking out things you aren't doing as well as you think you should. "I should've taught this better," "I should've made sure Sammy was understanding that concept," "I forgot to put those grades in the computer!" (This happens to me more often than I would like to admit).

Then, I had another realization. My flaws and imperfections make me who I am.

My bathroom is a mess because I usually go to bed late (because I want to hang out with Jordan, read, blog, etc.) so I sleep in until the last possible second in the mornings. This causes a rushed morning. This means, when I get ready, there is only time to get ready. There is no time to clean up the mess that getting ready makes!

Sometimes the food I make boils over or burns, but I am learning!

I can laugh with my friends and family about my forgetfulness.

I am not a perfect teacher, but hey, my students are learning things! And, more importantly, they know I care about them.

My house isn't always ready to be on display in the "Museum of Cleanliness," but it is a beautiful home, that I strive to keep tidy, where I hope people feel comfortable.

Having an imperfect life helps me laugh and relate to others.

So, the next time your anxiety or depression is reminding you of all your flaws, remember, they are what make you, you!

Singing the National Anthem: (New Year's Resolution...check!)

If you remember, I had a New Year's Resolution to perform somewhere. I wasn't sure where, I just wanted to do it.

About a week ago, I received an email that was sent out to all the teachers letting us know there would be an assembly coming up. A thought popped into my head..."Maybe I could sing the National Anthem at an assembly sometime..." Then, of course, I started to doubt myself. The new thoughts were, "I'd probably forget the words," "It would be dumb to ask," "I'm brand new here, would people think I'm crazy?" "I'd be so nervous!" Then, I thought of this quote from the movie/book, "We Bought a Zoo,"

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”  

I decided I could have twenty seconds of insane courage. So, I sent an email to the teacher over the SBOs. I said,

So, I’m a little shy about this, but I thought I would email you. I’m not sure how you choose to do people for the national anthem, but I thought I would volunteer if you ever need anyone. If you don’t, no worries! I just had a new year’s resolution to perform somewhere and thought this might be a chance.

Thanks so much!

I seriously cringed while I sent it. I don't know why! I just didn't want to seem too forward or anything. But, I sent it with my "twenty seconds of insane courage," and believe me, I felt like I had "embarrassing bravery." The teacher emailed me back, said she loved the idea, and that she would talk to the officers about it. I felt a little better, but I was still shy about it.

A couple days later, a student came into my room to ask if I would sing it. With excitement and slight hesitation, I said, YES.

The performance was yesterday. Seriously, I know it wasn't a huge audience or anything, but I love singing for people. I felt really good about it, and it was so fun. I have a passion for America and for singing, so it was a perfect thing for me. And...it was REALLY fun! (I love microphones).

A big realization I had was that I would never have been able to do this a few years ago. My anxiety would've been too much. Not even necessarily about singing, but about life in general. The idea to volunteer to sing wouldn't have even crossed my mind, because it would've been filled with fears about anything and everything in life. I still deal with it, but I am learning to live with it so much better

I am so grateful I had the opportunity to sing and that this simple quote helped me to achieve one of my new year's resolutions.    

What Teaching High School Has Taught Me About God

As I have worked as a teacher in the High School for the last few weeks (I can't act like I'm a pro, it really has only been about 11 days...but, let's pretend it has been a few years), I have realized how concerned teachers are for their students. I work with some seniors, so the pressure is very high to help them graduate. I have been touched as I have watched the efforts of teachers to support students in their goals.

I think back to when I was in High School, and sometimes I felt like I was the only one in that school who cared if I graduated. There was actually a moment when I realized I was a credit short when graduation was near. I ended up doing some packets for the last class and was able to walk and graduate from High School. It seemed so fragile then, like if I made one slip up, I wouldn't graduate. I realized as I have watched teachers at work, that there would have been many people available to support and help me reach my goal of graduation if I were to have fallen behind.

As I thought about this, I couldn't help but think about God and His hand in our lives. I know that there are so many things I and other teachers do to help our students that they don't even realize we do. We talk about them in meetings, check on their grades, check if they are on track for graduation, email parents and teachers, gather missing assignments, and the list goes on. Today, I went through all of my students to see who was failing my class and why. I wanted to be able to pay special attention to them so I could help them succeed in my class. There are so many things we do to help them that is behind the scenes. They don't even realize we are working to help them.

I think God works the same way. Who knows how many accidents he has protected us from? How many trials has He kept us from having to go through? How many times has He forgiven us for mistakes we seem to keep making? He is always watching over us, ready to help.

I was driving in my car the other day thinking about this connection between a teacher and God. I remember thinking, He's been in my life everyday. Even the days I have thought He was far away, He was right there. Sometimes my anxiety/depression tries to tell me that God doesn't care. It tries to tell me He isn't listening. As I drove in my car that day, I felt His love. I knew that He has been there through every moment of my life, happy and sad. I knew He was aware of my struggles then, and He is aware of my struggles now. He is constantly checking up on me, paying attention to my sorrows, and celebrating my triumphs. He is aware of every thought and every worry. What a comfort that is.

He loves me and you. His goal is for us to be happy and come to live with Him again. He wants us to graduate from this life with honors.

I'm a High School Teacher?

Last week, I started work as a resource English teacher at a nearby High School. Accepting the job was a roller coaster! This is what I wrote to my family on our family Facebook page:

The tears had to do with the Junior High School that I left. I loved it there. Wonderful people and memories! It was very hard to leave. I felt like it was the right decision to take to High School job though. Also, I am teaching at my alma mater's major rival school, kind of crazy!

So far, it has been going well. After the first day, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. When I got home from working, I allowed myself to sit on the couch, watch TV, and turn my brain off. My mind needed the rest. The next day, I was ready to go again. I am taking things one day at a time, but I really am enjoying it. I work with great students and we are reading some awesome books. I am also working to help them with their writing skills. Resource classes have less students than general education classes, so I get to know my students really well. I felt really cool when I got to enter grades for the first time, I felt a little bit like I was still playing "teacher" as a little girl.

I actually get excited to go to work each day. It is a wonderful new adventure. I think I made the right career decision. I am excited to continue to learn and grow and become a better teacher.
I pray the Lord will continue to bless me as I work to be a productive and influential teacher.

Taken after my first day of teaching

Shout out to my mom and brother came in and helped me set up my classroom, that was so helpful!
PS: Yes, I am working as an English teacher, but that doesn't mean that all of my blog posts will be perfectly written. I'm still learning! :)