April Came!!

Remember this post? Well, guess what...APRIL CAME!! April 25th to be exact. On Friday, I graduated from College! It is still a little surreal, and it was a beautiful day. As Jordan and I were driving to campus to head to commencement, I started thinking about the hundreds of times I drove to the University. My mind wandered to my Freshman year. I didn't have much of a clue about what was going on. I remember a counselor asking me, "Do you want to take just 12 credit hours? That is pretty common for those just starting out." I said yes, but didn't have a clue what "12 credit hours" meant. My awesome brother-in-law took me up to the school a few weeks before class started and helped me get my textbooks and student ID card. My sister's friend escorted me to my first class, US History.

I used to carpool with some of my best friends from High School, and because of me, we were usually running a few minutes late. The semester I had a 7:30 class was a bit rough (I'm not always what you would call a morning person). I remember buying books, turning in assignments, waiting for grades to come back, and hoping that reading the first page of the chapter would be enough to pass the quiz (I love reading, I hate reading textbooks). I walked on ice, searched for parking spots, ran to not be late, wrote a letter to parking services about an undeserved ticket, and cringed when paying tuition.

I remember the hardest semester of my life, it was during my sophomore year. I was being overcome by my anxiety and depression. There were times when I would lay my head down on my desk and cry quietly, hoping no one would see or hear me. I felt like my life was going to go absolutely no where. I felt literally damned, like I was up against a brick wall and the water was rising. Did it make sense? No. Did it seem real? Absolutely.

On the flip side, I made some incredible friends through college. There were many I met before I entered the Special Education program, and others I spent time with the two years in the program. These are people I want to keep in contact with for a long, long time. We shared frustrations, teaching ideas, funny stories, and advice. I attended religious classes at the LDS Institute, and gladly welcomed the treats they had there.

Thinking back, I realize how hard it was at times. I can't lie, College caused me some tears, but it was worth it. I guess I always knew it would be, sometimes it was just very hard to see it. At graduation, I thought about the times I had joked (semi-seriously) that I was going to give up and drop out. I am SO grateful I didn't. I seriously learned so much, and I am now working in a position that I really enjoy.

I know I didn't achieve this goal alone. I had the support of my family, friends, husband, and God.

Our BRIGHT Blue Wall

Remember my goal to decorate my family room? Well, the process is going pretty well! After looking at this DIY blog, I was encouraged to be fearless in my decorating. So, my wall really speaks who I am.
First, we painted the wall BRIGHT blue. It's awesome. Next, I decided to add some things that make me happy...

• I got the cute umbrella printable on this blog. It says the classic quote, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I LOVE rain. And, I love the quote. Win-win! 
• I got the cute "Love You" printable from this blog. (What would I do without pinterest!?)
• The America printable came from this blog (are you tired of links yet? I hope not! I just want to give credit where credit is due!) When I was thinking of things to hang up, I really wanted something that expressed my love for America. I feel so blessed to live in this country and I pray God will bless it. (and I know He does!)
• Elsa and "Let it Go." I know some people are sick of this movie/song, but I don't think I ever will be. I found so much in the movie that I love and wanted it displayed somehow in my home. "Let it Go" for me is sort of like a personal anthem. (Read about it here.)
• The little bird on the bottom left is actually a thank you card from Trader Joe's. I thought it was darling (and I have some other birds in my decorating...some people mock me...but I like them!) .
• The cute Minnie and Mickey cartoon says, "You make me happy." It is a really sweet drawing, and it makes me think of Jordan.
• Last, but not least...what is that big square in the middle? It is a map of Disneyland, with our tickets on the side. I love Disneyland! When we went there with my family, we had a blast. I thought this was one way to help me remember what a fun time we had as a family. 

Now you might be thinking, "This is an anxiety/depression blog, not an interior design blog! What does this have to do with anything?" Well, I want my room to be filled with things that make me happy. These are some of the simple things that bring a smile to my face and help me feel less anxious about life. They remind me to be happy and to not take life too seriously. So, I guess I would just encourage you to surround yourself with things that bring a smile to your face, even if they are a bit out of the ordinary.

Music and Anxiety: "I Can't Listen to that Song!"

Whenever I hear Phil Collins, I am six years old again, dancing to my dad's favorite song. I remember the song that was on the radio the first time a dumb boy made me cry.  I can still sing every word to the Backstreet Boys "Millenium" CD that was so very cool in the 90s. I rememebr the first time I heard my favorite song and how it made me feel. I remember the songs I listened to that made me think of Jordan when I was falling in love with him.

I am amazed by how our minds and memories respond to music. We can listen to a song we haven't heard for years and still have every song, harmony, verse, and bridge memorized. A certain song can take you back to High School, childhood, or Christmas morning. It can bring back thoughts and feelings you had forgotten. It can bring up intense feelings of happiness or spirituality.

So many songs bring happy memories, but there are also songs that may do the opposite. There are a few songs that I will change when they come on the radio or up on my iPod. These are songs that I listened to when I was very depressed. The songs themselves aren't necessarily depressing, but they were songs I listened to frequently when I was struggling so much. Right when I hear these songs, I start to have feelings of anxiety, because that is how I felt when I used to listen to them.

I remember when one of my sisters was going through a hard time, and we were listening to a CD together. She had me skip almost every song because of things she associated with them. I didn't understand it then, I thought she was so silly. Why couldn't we listen to these songs? Now, I totally get it.

The other day, a song I have a hard time listening to came on the radio. I have skipped over it countless times before, simply choosing to avoid it. The song has nothing to do with being sad or depressed, it is actually a love song, but, since I listened to it so much when I was feeling so low, that is what my mind associates it with. When it came on the other day, I went to switch it, like I have so many times before, but then I thought, "No, I can listen to this song. It's a good one." As I drove, I listened. It was hard at first, but as I continued listening, I remembered why I liked the song so much. It is a really touching piece of music.

It may sound silly, but I felt a little victorious as the song came to an end. I listened! I listened to it all the way through, for the first time in a long time.

Anxiety: Sometimes it's Okay to Say No

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. I'm not over anxiety and depression, so how can I blog like I know it all? I hope you don't think I know it all, or that I never struggle anymore.

The truth is, I kind of gave into my anxiety the other day. At least that's how I felt until I heard a talk the today. Here's the story:

I was asked to got on a pioneer trek with the youth of my church. I accepted the invitation.

Then, the anxiety started.

I know it sounds silly, but I was terrified. I went on a trek when I was 17, and I had a great experience. I kept talking myself into it, saying I could do it.

I worried about being away from Jordan (he is my rock). I was also worried about my diet. Would I have enough to eat? Who would I be spending time with out there? Who would be in my tent? (Tent. I hate to admit it, but that is another source of anxiety! I wish I was a camping person, but I've come to accept the fact that I am not.)

The truth is, these thoughts were irrational. I knew I would be more than taken care of. The leaders of the trek have one priority: keeping everyone safe. I knew I would be fine if I were to go. I knew they would work things out with my diet. I knew that I could make it.

I also knew I would make myself sick with worry for 6 months until I went.

I talked with Jordan about it and I prayed. I currently have a bit on my plate with my new job, my church calling, housekeeping, school, etc. Was it healthy to have this load on top of that?

We went to a fireside last Sunday that was about trek. They talked about everything that would be happening. At that time, I was seriously considering that I may not be able to go. As the fireside continued something interesting happened. I felt peaceful, but not in the way I expected. I felt peaceful about saying I couldn't go. I felt like the Lord understood.

Could I have done it? With God's help, absolutely. But, I truly felt He didn't expect it from me at this time. I felt like He understood that I  needed that extra pressure off at this time.

So, we let them know I actually wouldn't be able to make it after all. At first, I was a bit disappointed in myself. I let my anxiety win. Bummer. Then I realized, I really hadn't. I had anxiety about it, but that wasn't the deciding factor. The deciding factor was the peace I felt about saying no. I felt God was okay with that decision. I hadn't lost, I had made a decision with God's help.

I just got back from a conference called Time Out for Women. It is an LDS conference with speakers, musical numbers, etc. It's a lot of fun! One of the speakers said something that really hit me. The speaker was Kris Belcher (she is so awesome). She said something like this,

"Sometimes we need to say, 'I can't,' not in a giving up way, but in a discerning way." 

This really struck home with me. At this time, I can't go on trek. It is too much for my mind to handle. I didn't decide not to go because I am weak or I am giving in to my anxiety, but because I made a decision (with God's help) that it was a good idea for me to stay home. I discerned (is that a word?). I am so grateful for these wise words and for God's love and hand in my life.

Disneyland

This sign is above you when you enter the magical world of Disneyland:

"Here you leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow, and fantasy." 

We visited Disneyland last week with my family. When I read and walked under this sign, I took it very literally. I set aside all my cares and worries. I didn't think about school and all the stresses that it is currently causing. For my current courses, I have to several (like seriously, a ton) of volunteer hours. When I walked under this sign, I said (out loud), "No more student teaching hours!" Anytime the thought of school would start to creep into my mind, I would quickly push it to the side reminding myself that right now I was living in the present.

It was the most wonderful vacation ever.

I got to be with my husband, my sisters and brother, my brother-in-laws, my parents, and my darling niece and nephew all day every day. It was a small taste of heaven to be with them and feel so care free.

Then, reality hit. As soon as I got home. I was excited to come home, kind of. I was excited to see our kitties, but I knew all the cares I had left behind would be here when I got back. And sure enough, they were.

The first night home, I cried. I missed having my family right next to me. I missed getting to be with Jordan all day. I missed laughing at silly things with my sisters, the boys trying to find something to watch on the TV (ninja turtles entertained us one night), and kissing my niece and nephew good night every night.

The second night home, I cried.

The third night home, I found out I didn't understand a certain assignment for one of my classes. This meant I needed an additional 26 hours I didn't realize I needed before. I cried.

I woke up the next morning with so much anxiety running through my body I couldn't fall back asleep. So, I went to work a little bit early. I got things figured out with my schooling a little bit.

Through it all, Jordan is his amazing supportive self. I like him a lot.

Today, I got my schooling situation all figured out and feel a lot better about it. I still wish I could be having fun with my family all day everyday, but I am doing much better.

Still, sometimes I close my eyes and pretend that I'm still there with them.

School

"I don't think I can do this Jordy"

This is the text I sent to my husband on the second day of my new job. I started my new job and on the second day I was ready to be done. This job involves working with some junior high students who have been placed into a program I am in charge of. This program will either help them to transfer back into school with their peers or to an alternative placement. There are a variety of reasons they may be placed in the program. It suffices me to say they weren't in class ready to learn so the privilege of being a part of the regular school day has been taken away from them for a time. 

The second day of school was a bit rough. I figured I wasn't going to be able to do any good. I felt terrible. After I let them out for a five minute break, I went into the bathroom and cried. 

My anxiety was taking over. I was convinced I couldn't do it. I never wanted to step into that room again. 

I finished the day and cried as I drove home (wearing sunglasses so those in the cars around me couldn't see). 

I got home and laid down on the couch. I called Jordan.

Jordan was sweet like he always is.

I decided I needed to go see Karin.

I talked with Karin and cleared my head a bit.

I went home.

Jordan came home.

We talked.

We went and visited my family.

My mom and sister helped me.

My mom suggested reading books to the students.

I felt stronger.

I felt a desire to be a positive influence in the students' lives.

I prayed.
I went to work the next day.

With some help, it went very well.

Now, I would cry if I had to leave this job. I love the kids. Holy cow. I love spending time with them. 

I love being their teacher. I love making them laugh or think I'm a little weird. I love it when they make me laugh.

I love reading to them. We have read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (I told you I was on a Harry Potter kick). I am now reading them "Gifted Hands."

I love when I can connect with them on something. I love getting to know them.

There are still difficult times. Sometimes they think it isn't very fun to do what I ask them to. Sometimes I think they are going to drive me absolutely up the wall, but I care about them so much.

I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to work with these kids. They mean a lot to me. 

Who knows what tomorrow will be like, but I know it will be an adventure.

The Job I Hate...to leave.

This summer I have been working at a local pest control company. Kind of random, right? When I first started, I was a bit overwhelmed (read about it here). Since I've gotten used to answering phones, giving price quotes, and sounding pleasant even when sometimes customers are not, I have grown to love this job. The main reason is because of the people. The girls I work with are wonderful! They are a bit crazy, hilarious, and personable.

They make a job involving things like this...

Extremely enjoyable! (Yes, that is my hand next to that BUG. Don't worry, it took me almost throwing up and about 3 days before I was able to get that close.)

I feel like I have to blog some of my memories because this job helped me so much. I have a hard time getting up in the morning, especially with my anxiety. Most mornings I wake up with anxiety running through my body. With this job, I always knew I was going somewhere I sincerely enjoyed and somewhere I was being productive. I knew I would get to be with people I love being around. It made getting up that much easier.

Just a few memories:

• When Jolyn bought us all fuzzy posters to color while we were leaving messages for customers. We kept consulting each other about which color was the best for particular spots on the poster. It was intense if I say so myself. 
  

• When I accidentally put two customers on a phone call together without an employee…awkward. 
• My name was Melissa for customers since there are two Chelsea’s in the office. I got called Chelsea, Melissa, Chelsea-Melissa and Chel-Mel. 
• Kendra would bring me gluten-free goodies. Cookie dough, cookies, muddy buddies, etc. Tamesa brought me GF Oreos, Carla brought me a coupon for the local Gluten Free store, Jolyn brought me a Costa Vida coupon. 
• A glare from across the room from Stacie means you need to check your hand to see if you are clicking a pen or marker. 
• Cheltsie always so willing to answer all my ridiculous questions. 
• Brandy staying late to talk to me and Kendra while we worked. 
• I learned from Tamesa that preventative is technically not a word. It’s preventive! 
• One day Audrey asked me to tell her about myself. I believe she said something like, “What makes Chelsea, Chelsea?” 
• We had an amazing Crepe party 
• One word: Snapchat. 
• Getting to know the newest girls: Haley and Shawneen. 
• Clocking out so Jill could give me a haircut. 
• Sweat pants are required attire when you work on Saturday. 
• I’ve never googled so many bugs in my life. Often, a customer would send in pictures of one to us, or would wonder what a certain bug looked like. So, we google bugs…a lot. 
• Often, when on the phone with a customer, we would need to tell each other things. We would do this by quickly muting the phone while the customer was talking, talk really fast to a co-worker, and unmute the phone in time to reply.

I could talk to my coworkers about funny and serious things going on in my life, and also in theirs. We had some touching heart to hearts. I think one of the best things about our group is how diverse we are. We all have different backgrounds and life stories, but there is a special bond between us.

My job doesn't quite fit in with my busy school schedule, it makes me so sad! It's hard to think of not seeing the girls every day. Luckily, the plan is to work some Saturdays and go back next summer. It's something I'm looking forward to!

It was so hard to get everyone together, because the phone kept
ringing! Also, we were missing a few, but we tried to get as
many as possible!

Jordan had heard a lot about these girls, it was fun to get a picture
to show him. My mom took this when she came and visited.

Relief and Pure Joy

On this day one year ago, my boyfriend magically turned into my fiance. The night before, I was having one of my anxiety struggles. It was time for him to go home and I didn't want to say good bye. He casually said, "How about this, you come over to my house for dinner tomorrow night. I'll make tacos."
I thought this was a great idea, it helped me feel better, and we said good night.
The next day, about an hour before I was going to head to Jordan's, I was just chilling on the couch, surfing Pinterest. My sister said she had to go do something with some people from the church, and my parents and brother said they were going to look at a couch they were thinking about buying.
I told them I wouldn't be home when they got home because I was going to Jordan's for dinner...little did I know...
I drove to Jordan's and went to the door. To my surprise, when I walked in, there were A TON of people there! Jordan's mom, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, 2 nieces, best friend and sons, 2 uncles, aunt, 3 cousins, my mom, dad, 2 sisters, niece, and brother. They were all holding cameras, smiling, and cheering.
I was slightly confused, then Jordan's niece told me they were all here for my engagement party.
Jordan stepped out, got down on one knee, and my tears started. I didn't hesitate at all to say YES!

 This picture to me symbolizes relief and pure joy. After months of anxiety, I was receiving what my anxiety told me was impossible. I am so grateful this moment was captured.

***Interjection! If I may, I realized a while after posting this that it could be confusing why I express the feeling of relief. Why relief? Well, at that time, my anxiety was telling me daily that I couldn't be with my Jordan. It was telling me I didn't deserve him, I didn't deserve a happy life, etc. etc. When he proposed, all the anxiety was put to the side and I experienced peace and joy. Relief, I hadn't let my anxiety win. Time and time again I would start to slide back into my anxiety. I would begin to believe I wasn't worth anything again. Remembering this moment of joy, peace, and relief got me through...and my Jordan!***

Introducing...Lady Bug!

So, the Monday before last, I convinced Jordan it was a good idea that we get a cat. So, we went to our local Petsmart and adopted a sweet 1 1/2 year old girl. Her name is Lady Bug.
I can't lie, I started to have a little anxiety about this new little friend in our home. I am still adjusting to trying to keep a house clean, and a cat can make that a little more difficult. At first, we kept all her things (food, litter box, etc.) in our upstairs bathroom. We also kept her in there when we were gone. After she was more used to our house, we moved her to the basement. She has her own fouton, homemade scratching post (thanks Jordy!), bed, food dish, litter box, etc. She comes upstairs when we are home, but when we are gone, she has the whole basement to herself.
When she sits in our laps while we watch TV, and we almost have to turn up the volume because she is purring so loudly, I realize that the little bit of extra work is totally worth it. Providing a little animal with a loving home has made me feel very happy.

Our "Little Bug"

I have to admit, I didn't see that one coming...

*Cell phone rings*
Me: "Hello?"
Phone: "Hi, is this Chelsea?"
Me: "Yes."
Phone: "Hi Chelsea, how are you doing?"
Me: "Good, thanks. How are you?"
Phone: "Good. Thanks for asking. Well, your test came back positive for Celiac disease. Your doctor  (Doctor #1) recommends a gluten-free diet."
Me: "Ummm....wow, okay."

After this conversation we entered a roller coaster ride of questions and answers.

I had gone to the doctor because I'd been having pretty significant stomach issues. I'd get sick very easily. Often, I wouldn't eat because I was afraid of getting sick, but the lack of food would then make me sick. Several doctors trips occurred, but I wasn't getting better. Finally, I was tested for celiac and also scheduled to have an allergy test.

I found out I had celiac and then I went to have the allergy test a few days later (just to see if there were any other problems.) When I had my allergy test, the doctor (Doctor #2) told me I had actually scored a very "low positive" on the celiac test. He wanted me to have a scope before they made me get on the diet. This left me feeling that we may have overreacted. We felt fairly confident I didn't really have celiac disease.

When I went in for the consultation of my scope, the doctor (Doctor #3) told us that even though I scored a "low positive" on the test, he was fairly confident I WAS celiac. He said he had scoped many people who had actually scored in the "normal" range on the celiac test, but once they were looked at it was determined they had celiac.

About a week later, I got a scope. Jordan thought it was pretty funny to see me wake up from a drug-induced sleep. (He even recorded some of it :) ). The doctor (Doctor #3) told Jordan (while I was asleep) that my insides looked normal and didn't show the usual signs of celiac, but they were taking a biopsy. Maybe I didn't really have it?

About 6 days later, I got another call from the Doctor (Doctor #3). He told me once again, that I do have celiac and I need to go on a gluten-free diet.

A few tears, extra dollars spent on gluten free foods, and gratitude for the hopes of better health later, I sit here typing this post.

It's been hard. Especially when I think of all the wonderful foods I can't eat (at least not in the way I am used to.) My chicken sandwich at Red Robin, my Meatball Marinara from Subway, and mine and Jordan's beloved Oreo's to name just a few. But, I am learning how many options there are and that I will make it! And, I believe it will be worth it.

The other day, Jordan read me a scripture about our weaknesses turning to strengths and challenged me to thank God for my Celiac. I did, and I will try to continue to, even though it is hard.

P.S. Special shout out to my family for supporting me in this, the doctors who were all wonderful, and for Karin, especially for making me some gluten-free Oreos :)

My new and improved Gluten-free shelf of my pantry.

Anxiety and The Killers?

The Killers are a band I was introduced to after I met my husband. At first, I was extremely skeptical. To be honest, I didn't really like them that much. Jordan loves them, so we listened to them often. The more I listened, the more I started to like them. The strangest thing was when I started to listen to them when I wasn't with Jordan. Then, I finally came to the realization that they are pretty awesome.
My favorite song by The Killers is called, "A Dustland Fairytale." There is a line I love in this song,

"And the decades disappear

like sinking ships we persevere

God gives up hope, but we still fear what we don't know."

There have been SO many times God has given me Hope. He tells me things are going to work out, He tells me things are going to be okay. I am a human, I am imperfect, and I forget these moments. I let my mind take over and I become filled with anxiety. That is one of the reasons I have decided to do this blog. Writing helps me remember everything God and my family/friends have done for me. It gives me so much hope. It reminds me I have anxiety and depression, but those things don't define who I am. Happy Sunday!

P.S. The lead singer of The Killers, Brandon Flowers, is actually a Latter-Day Saint. View his Mormon Message here.

To read about some other songs that have helped me in my journey with anxiety/depression, click here.

Why Me?

In dealing with anxiety/depression, there have been times when I have thought, "Why me?" It can be scary to not know if you are going to be able to control your emotions at a certain point or wonder why you can't seem to think straight. It can be embarrassing to go through a panic attack or try to explain to someone how you are feeling when you don't understand it fully yourself. It can be hard to feel like you are the only one, or that you are going crazy and there is nothing you can do about it.
I realized the other day, that I think part of my anxiety may be triggered by the fact that I am so passionate about so many things. I love my family and friends, I love my religion, and I love my country. I am sometimes shy, but I am very passionate and opinionated about these things. When I feel out of control or worried someone I love is hurting, it is almost too much for me. When I let myself feel like I am not good enough, it can bring me way down.
I've thought about it, and even though I deal with anxiety and depression, I wouldn't take away my passion for the things I love in order to get rid of my struggle. I would rather have some ups and downs along the way than be an emotional stone. My passion for the things I love make me who I am. As I go through out my day, I try to remember that God knows me and He has a plan for me.

Quite possibly the most patient man in the world...and his crazy wife ;)

Vote!

I love America. I have been on pins and needles all day waiting to hear what the results of this election will be. Jordan and I discussed today that it is in God's hands now. Whoever is supposed to win will. 

God Bless America!

A Few of My Favorite Things...

In my night class the other day, I could feel it coming. The fear, the dread, the worries, the feelings of inadequacy... I didn't want to be sad and afraid. I had the thought to write down some of my favorite things. (I watched The Sound of Music as a child, I had an awesome childhood.) As I wrote, the things I wrote down brought a smile to my face. I was filled with happy thoughts, memories, and hope. It amazed me how quickly my mood changed.

I thought I would share my list with you.

Jordan                        Music                     Mountains                     Flowers                 Testimony Meeting

Family                        Reading                  Autumn                         Milk Shakes           I Love Lucy

My Religion                Swimming               Relaxing                       Ocean                     Utah Jazz

Friends                       Horses                    Blogging                       Piano                      Football

Praying                       Color                      Writing                         Boutiques                Learning

Idaho                          Hugs                       Fruit                             My Home                Light

Disneyland                  Chocolate                Math                           Cooking

Rain                            Service                   Blankets                       Baking

Yellow                        Hot Shower               Kittens                      Smoothies

Ice Cream                   Christmas                Truth                            Trees

Singing                        Thanksgiving          General Conference      4th of July

America                      Temple                    Being Active                Vacations  

Laughing                      Pansies                   Country Music             Date Nights

Peace

I got sick this weekend. It wasn't very fun. My husband was an angel; helping me to feel comfortable and get better. There was a point where my anxiety started to really get into my head. I felt like I was having an "out of body experience." I felt so strange. I think it was a combinations of being physically sick and then the anxiety on top of it. There was a point when I really started to worry about something. I was scared. Then, I had a very peaceful feeling come over me. It was like Heavenly Father was saying, "You're going to be okay, don't worry." That moment was wonderful. Later, when I began to worry again, I was able to lean on that special moment I had had. I was able to tell myself everything would be okay. I am so grateful the Lord took a second to help me feel peaceful. It got me through the day!

Hope from a Dandelion

I've been going through a bit of a rough patch with my anxiety lately. It's hard. I don't like to go places by myself. I made Jordan come with me to Wal-Mart the other day, something I would have normally quickly run and done by myself. Driving alone to school for 25 minutes can be hard. My mind tends to play tricks on me when I am alone.
Even in a rough patch, life is still good. I was feeling pretty low last Friday, but then I got to go and visit my 3-year-old niece. She is the cutest thing you have ever seen. We had a "tea party" (made complete with the clinking of our pink plastic princess cups), ate Rolo's, danced to "Beauty and the Beast," and played outside. During our tea party when her cheeks were full of water, when she was standing on the counter and asked if I wanted another Rolo, when we were dancing and she asked me to spin her around, and when she picked a yellow dandelion and said it was for me...I forgot about my anxiety...My fears were gone, taken over by how much I love that little girl. Hope fills me when I think of this. Anxiety is strong, but there are so many things that are stronger. 
I called Jordan while my niece and I were playing. He could hear the laughter in my voice and commented on how I feel better after I have been with her. It's hard not to feel great after spending just a little time with her sweet spirit. 

Days Like Today

Some days I am reminded that I'm not "over" my anxiety. Days like today remind me how powerful it can be. Days like today remind me where I have been and where I am going. Some days I sink low. I can't think straight and I am convinced I have a horrible fate. 

While I am reminded how powerful anxiety can be, I am also reminded how strong other things can be. A call from my husband at work, a heartfelt prayer, and remembering what is truly important. 

The hard days help us to appreciate the good days even more.

I read this quote the other day:

I have so many blessings in my life. A bad day is just a bad day. Anxiety is a part of my life, but it isn't what my life is. My life is Jordan, my family, my friends, my beliefs, religion, and so much more. We all have bad days, but not bad lives.

Don't Forget About Me

This week was good, but also had anxiety sneaking in on the edges. A few evenings ago, I got upset about something my husband, Jordan, said. I knew he had in no way meant to upset me or hurt my feelings, and I didn't know how to handle the situation. My brain became cloudy, the cloud that takes sense away from my head and tells me I am not worth much. He could see that I was upset and that I wasn't able to talk about it for the moment. He had to leave for work, (about a dozen or so times a year he works a night job) so he kissed me and told me he loved me.
After he left, I fell apart. I cried and cried. I felt frustrated that I couldn't control my emotions better, upset that I was so flustered by such a small thing, and felt my self-esteem, confidence, and hope sink to the floor. I prayed that the Lord could send me some comfort and cried a little more. Then I had an idea to write Jordan a letter. It made sense, so I poured out my soul on one and a half sheets of college ruled paper. I told him what had upset me and why. I explained some of what was going on in my head and why I was unable to talk about it when he had left. I expressed my love for him. When I finished writing the letter, I felt so much better. It cleared my head. I was grateful I could put my emotions on paper and find a way to help Jordan understand me a little bit better.
Soon after I finished the letter, I received a text from him that said, "Don't forget about me while I am gone!" When he got home I was so happy to see him and he read my letter. We were able to talk about it and get everything resolved. Even though I had gone through a slight panic attack, I was so proud that, with some help from above, I was able to pull through it and get back on my feet. I am grateful for my Jordan and his patience with me and my anxiety.

New Job

Holy Hannah. Today was my first official day at my new job. I've been excited, but also very anxious about it. This morning I woke up and could feel the anxiety in my legs. I just kept breathing and told myself I was going to be fine. Jordan prayed last night that I would do well at my new job and be able to be myself. When he left for work this morning I almost wanted to start crying, but I got into my car and drove to work. When I got there, everything went really well. There were a few times I had to tell myself, "Just breathe, you're fine," but overall, it was a very successful day. I am grateful for the new people I get to work with and the new experiences I will have. Tomorrow is day two, and I think it will be a good day!

Big Weekend

This past weekend, my sister got married! Due to this, we were surrounded with family and friends and the family and friends of my sister's new husband. A few months ago, that may have been too much for me to handle. I can't really explain it, because I have always loved people, (especially family and friends) but my anxiety can make me feel extremely afraid and uncomfortable in big groups of people. This past weekend could've been really hard, but it wasn't. It was wonderful and memorable. I was able to talk with people, laugh, and joke. It was wonderful to witness a sealing (the first one I have seen since my own!) in the Salt Lake Temple. It felt wonderful. There have been times when I have had to pretend I was having a good time because of my anxiety, but last weekend, I didn't have to do that. I told my husband, "I wasn't faking it!" It felt wonderful to talk with dozens of people, run around the reception trying to make sure things were going okay, hugging people I hadn't seen for a while, dancing along with the bride to "Dynamite" and "The Cupid Shuffle," and just enjoying the day. I am not "over" my anxiety, but I am learning I can live with it and still be me.