I Love My Counselor

The first time I went to my counselor, I was so scared. I know my body language was very closed, but I didn't know what to do about it. One of the first things she said to me was, "Let's be honest, counseling is weird." I chuckled and relaxed a little. She's funny. She's real. That's good. Real good.

A few weeks earlier, I had called my doctor to ask for his suggestions on a counselor. Due to his and my sister's suggestion, I felt like seeking one out was a good choice for me. I had recently gotten back on my medication and I was doing pretty well, but the thought of having a professional I could go to just to talk about life with and explain what was going on in my head seemed amazing. My doctor suggested a certain company, so I went to their website. I said many silent prayers asking for guidance in this critical decision. I clicked on a few people and read their bios, but as I scrolled through 20+ counselors, I was thinking, "How on earth do you choose one?" I can't really explain it, but when I saw a certain counselor's picture, I felt really good about choosing her. The only thing I can attribute it to is Heavenly Father letting me know that one was a good choice for me.

I had to  make a few phone calls to our insurance company to make sure she was covered and to the counseling company to see if she was accepting new clients. Luckily, both answers were yes! A week or two later, I dropped off my little boy to my mom and found myself in the waiting room. I was so nervous. I kept thinking of the ways movies often stereotypically portray people who go to counselors (Darn Hollywood!). I also had the silly thought, "What if someone I know sees me walk in here? What will they think?" Then, "Oh well, this will probably end up on my blog anyway." :)

On my first visit, she talked about how she knew it would take time for me to trust her and that was okay. She also told me that if, for one reason or another, I didn't feel our personalities meshed or that she wasn't the right fit for me, she would not be offended if I felt I needed to find someone else. These statements alone helped me to begin to trust her.

I am very grateful that I didn't feel the need to find someone else. I have now been to see my counselor 10+ times and I always learn something of value. I love that she never thinks I'm crazy, but reassures me that things are going to be okay. I also realized something the other day, I realized that she doesn't "fix" my problems. What she does do is show me a different way of looking at things and she gives me tools and principles that help me work through things on my own. I have been amazed at how simple many of the "answers" are. As I have tried to apply the things she has taught me about, I have found myself applying them in situations I haven't even brought up in our conversations. Hopefully that means I'm learning something!

For me, my counselor has literally been a gift from heaven.

If you or a loved one are considering going to a counselor, I would say, DO IT! I would also say, be very prayerful about your choice and don't be afraid to switch if you aren't comfortable with the person you have chosen. It's a process and it may take some time, but I believe that in the end you will be grateful you stuck it out.

What My Sweet Baby Has Taught Me About God's Love

“Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend.”

–Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Shortly after my baby was born, my friend brought me a frame with this quote in it. She knew I was struggling a bit with postpartum depression and came to lend me her love and support. While you might think this post is about postpartum depression, I am actually steering it in a different direction (although that topic is very worthy of conversation that will probably come in the future).

Ever since I was born, I have been taught that I am a child of God and that He loves me very much. The quote above has touched my heart, but I feel I have gotten a greater understanding of it since I became a mom.

One of the first nights we came home from the hospital, I was looking at my sleeping little boy and I had tears streaming down my face. When my husband asked me what was wrong, I responded, “Nothing, I just love him so much.” While I was still a bit hormonal, the love I feel for him is so real and so strong.

When I think of him and his little mind, it occurs to me that, similar to the quote above, he can’t even comprehend right now how much I love him. He knows I hug him, kiss him, feed him, and change his diaper. I pray he feels safe in my arms and feels that this person who is with him all day every day is someone who thinks he is very special.

Then I think of all the things he can’t comprehend yet.

He can’t yet comprehend that I carried him for 9 months and delivered him. He doesn’t know how many times I googled things to make sure I could take a certain medicine while I was pregnant or to make sure something that was happening to me was normal. He doesn’t know how terrified and excited both his dad and I were in the delivery room. He doesn’t know I counted down the days to his birth and doodled his name on post-it notes over and over again. He doesn’t know that the password to my computer was his name.

He doesn’t know that his dad and I went college and to work for years to prepare to earn money so we would be financially stable enough to welcome a little person into the world. He doesn’t know yet that I have dreamed of being a mom since I was a little girl.

He isn’t aware that I have called and visited his pediatrician several times to make sure he is developing the way he should. He doesn’t know that when he is in pain, I am in pain and wish I could take it away from him. He can’t comprehend the bittersweet feeling I have when I realize how much he has grown since we brought him home. He doesn’t know that the thousands of pictures that are taken of him are so we can remember and preserve how sweet and precious he is.

He doesn’t know that we pray for him every night. We pray he will feel our love and our Heavenly Father’s love for him.

He doesn’t know that we pay a bill every month towards our mortgage for the home that he lives in, the water in his formula and baths, and the electricity. He doesn’t know that after he falls asleep, we have a baby monitor to hear if he cries and make sure he is okay. He doesn’t know the planning that went into his first and middle name. He doesn’t know how much more carefully I drive ever since he was born.

He doesn’t know that there were millions of little pieces that needed to fall into place to bring him here: his dad and I getting married, both sets of our parents getting married, the grandparents, great grandparents, and the list goes on and on.

He doesn’t know that his dad and I have sacrificed some things just for him: sleep, vacations, free time. He doesn’t know that carrying him changed the way my body looks and I am trying to learn not to be self-conscious about it.

He doesn’t know that I think of his future constantly. One year, three years, twenty years. He doesn’t know that I yearn to keep him little while feeling so excited to watch him grow.

There are so many things my little man can’t comprehend yet. He has no idea how much his dad and I love him. It is the same with our Father in Heaven. We know He loves us, He sent His Son to die for us, and He created a beautiful world for us to live in. We know those things, but our minds can’t even comprehend HOW MUCH He really loves us.

What a lovely thought it is that such a magnificent Being cares about us more than we can even imagine. 

My Quiet Book

A common thing you will see at church is a "Quiet Book." Parents keep these books stashed in their diaper bags to pull out when children are starting to lose interest in sitting quietly and listening. There are a variety of different types of quiet books. Many include pictures of Jesus, scripture stories, letters, numbers, etc. The goal of the quiet book is to help a child stay reverent by keeping them appropriately entertained.

I recently started to make myself a quiet book. My quiet book has a slightly different goal, though. My quiet book is made to help me in those moments when I find myself losing hope. It is for those moments when the fog of anxiety and depression becomes so thick that I start to forget how good life is.

In my quiet book, there are a variety of scriptures, quotes, song lyrics, etc. that each have a special place in my heart. I enjoy typing up these words and try to make them look beautiful with pictures and colors. When I read and add to my quiet book, I feel God's love for me and I am reminded that my anxiety and depression are not in control.

One of the pages in my quiet book.

Life is Still Very Good

THE BAD NEWS: To be honest, my anxiety has kicked up big time lately. When it has been mild for a while and then comes back in full swing, it is scary. It reminds me how powerful anxiety can be. I know it is getting difficult when I start to feel "outside of myself." I get so wrapped up in my mind, that I forget to live in the present.

THE GOOD NEWS: I know it is temporary. I know God and my family love me. I know that even though sometimes it feel like the world is collapsing around me, it isn't.

If you find yourself feeling very anxious or depressed, don't try to figure it out yourself. Talk to someone you trust: a church leader, family member, friend, doctor, etc. Someone who can help you and remind you that life is still very good.

Our BRIGHT Blue Wall

Remember my goal to decorate my family room? Well, the process is going pretty well! After looking at this DIY blog, I was encouraged to be fearless in my decorating. So, my wall really speaks who I am.
First, we painted the wall BRIGHT blue. It's awesome. Next, I decided to add some things that make me happy...

• I got the cute umbrella printable on this blog. It says the classic quote, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I LOVE rain. And, I love the quote. Win-win! 
• I got the cute "Love You" printable from this blog. (What would I do without pinterest!?)
• The America printable came from this blog (are you tired of links yet? I hope not! I just want to give credit where credit is due!) When I was thinking of things to hang up, I really wanted something that expressed my love for America. I feel so blessed to live in this country and I pray God will bless it. (and I know He does!)
• Elsa and "Let it Go." I know some people are sick of this movie/song, but I don't think I ever will be. I found so much in the movie that I love and wanted it displayed somehow in my home. "Let it Go" for me is sort of like a personal anthem. (Read about it here.)
• The little bird on the bottom left is actually a thank you card from Trader Joe's. I thought it was darling (and I have some other birds in my decorating...some people mock me...but I like them!) .
• The cute Minnie and Mickey cartoon says, "You make me happy." It is a really sweet drawing, and it makes me think of Jordan.
• Last, but not least...what is that big square in the middle? It is a map of Disneyland, with our tickets on the side. I love Disneyland! When we went there with my family, we had a blast. I thought this was one way to help me remember what a fun time we had as a family. 

Now you might be thinking, "This is an anxiety/depression blog, not an interior design blog! What does this have to do with anything?" Well, I want my room to be filled with things that make me happy. These are some of the simple things that bring a smile to my face and help me feel less anxious about life. They remind me to be happy and to not take life too seriously. So, I guess I would just encourage you to surround yourself with things that bring a smile to your face, even if they are a bit out of the ordinary.

Anxiety: Sometimes it's Okay to Say No

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. I'm not over anxiety and depression, so how can I blog like I know it all? I hope you don't think I know it all, or that I never struggle anymore.

The truth is, I kind of gave into my anxiety the other day. At least that's how I felt until I heard a talk the today. Here's the story:

I was asked to got on a pioneer trek with the youth of my church. I accepted the invitation.

Then, the anxiety started.

I know it sounds silly, but I was terrified. I went on a trek when I was 17, and I had a great experience. I kept talking myself into it, saying I could do it.

I worried about being away from Jordan (he is my rock). I was also worried about my diet. Would I have enough to eat? Who would I be spending time with out there? Who would be in my tent? (Tent. I hate to admit it, but that is another source of anxiety! I wish I was a camping person, but I've come to accept the fact that I am not.)

The truth is, these thoughts were irrational. I knew I would be more than taken care of. The leaders of the trek have one priority: keeping everyone safe. I knew I would be fine if I were to go. I knew they would work things out with my diet. I knew that I could make it.

I also knew I would make myself sick with worry for 6 months until I went.

I talked with Jordan about it and I prayed. I currently have a bit on my plate with my new job, my church calling, housekeeping, school, etc. Was it healthy to have this load on top of that?

We went to a fireside last Sunday that was about trek. They talked about everything that would be happening. At that time, I was seriously considering that I may not be able to go. As the fireside continued something interesting happened. I felt peaceful, but not in the way I expected. I felt peaceful about saying I couldn't go. I felt like the Lord understood.

Could I have done it? With God's help, absolutely. But, I truly felt He didn't expect it from me at this time. I felt like He understood that I  needed that extra pressure off at this time.

So, we let them know I actually wouldn't be able to make it after all. At first, I was a bit disappointed in myself. I let my anxiety win. Bummer. Then I realized, I really hadn't. I had anxiety about it, but that wasn't the deciding factor. The deciding factor was the peace I felt about saying no. I felt God was okay with that decision. I hadn't lost, I had made a decision with God's help.

I just got back from a conference called Time Out for Women. It is an LDS conference with speakers, musical numbers, etc. It's a lot of fun! One of the speakers said something that really hit me. The speaker was Kris Belcher (she is so awesome). She said something like this,

"Sometimes we need to say, 'I can't,' not in a giving up way, but in a discerning way." 

This really struck home with me. At this time, I can't go on trek. It is too much for my mind to handle. I didn't decide not to go because I am weak or I am giving in to my anxiety, but because I made a decision (with God's help) that it was a good idea for me to stay home. I discerned (is that a word?). I am so grateful for these wise words and for God's love and hand in my life.

"Like A Broken Vessel" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Part 4

I wanted to start this blog post with two quotes:

The first is from Elder Holland's talk:
"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

The second is a common inspirational quote:
"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."

I remember when I was deep in depression. I thought about the rope quote. I remember thinking, 'I've been hanging on for so long, I don't know if I can hang on much longer.' I remember praying and feeling like my words weren't leaving the room. Weeks later, I would think, 'I'm still hanging on this knot, barely.' It was hard. Even though it felt like my prayers weren't being answered, for some reason, I kept praying. Maybe it was because I have always been taught to pray, or because deep down, I knew He really was listening.

Sometimes I forget how much my Father in Heaven loves me. Elder Holland says He loves me (and you!) more than we can even comprehend. That is a lot! I think about the love I have for my family and friends, it is a huge amount of love. Heavenly Father loves me that much and infinitely more! That is hard for me to wrap my head around sometimes, but what a comfort it is! He loves me with a perfect love.

1 Nephi 11:17 says, "I know that He loveth His children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

We may not understand depression or other trials fully, but we know that God loves us.

Even when I thought He wasn't listening, He was there.

To read Elder Holland's full talk, please click here.

Read parts one, two, and three.

What Teaching High School Has Taught Me About God

As I have worked as a teacher in the High School for the last few weeks (I can't act like I'm a pro, it really has only been about 11 days...but, let's pretend it has been a few years), I have realized how concerned teachers are for their students. I work with some seniors, so the pressure is very high to help them graduate. I have been touched as I have watched the efforts of teachers to support students in their goals.

I think back to when I was in High School, and sometimes I felt like I was the only one in that school who cared if I graduated. There was actually a moment when I realized I was a credit short when graduation was near. I ended up doing some packets for the last class and was able to walk and graduate from High School. It seemed so fragile then, like if I made one slip up, I wouldn't graduate. I realized as I have watched teachers at work, that there would have been many people available to support and help me reach my goal of graduation if I were to have fallen behind.

As I thought about this, I couldn't help but think about God and His hand in our lives. I know that there are so many things I and other teachers do to help our students that they don't even realize we do. We talk about them in meetings, check on their grades, check if they are on track for graduation, email parents and teachers, gather missing assignments, and the list goes on. Today, I went through all of my students to see who was failing my class and why. I wanted to be able to pay special attention to them so I could help them succeed in my class. There are so many things we do to help them that is behind the scenes. They don't even realize we are working to help them.

I think God works the same way. Who knows how many accidents he has protected us from? How many trials has He kept us from having to go through? How many times has He forgiven us for mistakes we seem to keep making? He is always watching over us, ready to help.

I was driving in my car the other day thinking about this connection between a teacher and God. I remember thinking, He's been in my life everyday. Even the days I have thought He was far away, He was right there. Sometimes my anxiety/depression tries to tell me that God doesn't care. It tries to tell me He isn't listening. As I drove in my car that day, I felt His love. I knew that He has been there through every moment of my life, happy and sad. I knew He was aware of my struggles then, and He is aware of my struggles now. He is constantly checking up on me, paying attention to my sorrows, and celebrating my triumphs. He is aware of every thought and every worry. What a comfort that is.

He loves me and you. His goal is for us to be happy and come to live with Him again. He wants us to graduate from this life with honors.

Christmas is Coming!

Merry Christmas Eve!! I was driving to my mom's house yesterday, and the traffic was crazy! But, due to this, I got to see a sweet act of kindness. I was cruising along, when my light turned red, so I stopped (It's a good idea to do that when the light is red). I was right next to the right hand turning lane. I noticed a woman walking and slowly entering the crosswalk, she had a grocery bag and had probably been out shopping at one of the local grocery stores. The next thing I saw was an older woman driving her car, she was a little distracted and started to proceed to check the intersection to complete her "right on red" turn. Luckily, she noticed the woman in the crosswalk just in time and didn't hit her. The woman driving mouthed, "I'm sorry!" to the woman in the crosswalk. As you can imagine, a series of things could've happened after this. The woman walking could've done you-know-what with her finger, scowled, yelled, ignored the woman, or any number of other things. Instead, I saw her lips say, "That's okay, Merry Christmas!" and she happily walked across the remainder of the intersection. I looked at the woman in the car beside me, and she too had a smile on her face. Witnessing that small thing filled me with the Spirit of Christmas. I pray we can remember the "Reason for the Season" and be just a little bit kinder to one another. Merry Christmas!!

"He is the Reason for the Season, He is the Light that shines on our lives. The baby Jesus, born in God's Grace, so we all might rejoice on this day."

Are you having a difficult time this Christmas? Are you not feeling very 'merry?' You're not alone! Click here to read last year's Christmas post.

"Like A Broken Vessel" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Part 2

In speaking on mental disorders, Elder Holland stated:

"However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."

Let's break this down:

"However bewildering this all may be..."
The dictionary defines bewildering as: "extremely confusing." I love his word choice. Mental disorders are so very confusing. As you struggle mentally, at times you may wonder why. You may be confused about why someone else is depressed or facing other mental challenges. Their life may seem perfect from the outside, but on the inside they feel like they are falling apart. Mental disorders confuse us by picking randomly who and when they will strike. It sounds a little crazy, but one of the best ways to understand mental disorders is to realize they don't make sense. They are bewildering. 

"...these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life..." 
My favorite word in this phrase is "realities". Depression and other mental disorders are real; they are a reality. You may try to convince yourself that you are just crazy or that you are making a big deal out of nothing. The truth is, mental disorders are real. While that can be scary, it is also comforting. Once you know what it is, there are so many things you can do to help yourself. I remember when I finally realized what was going on in my head. It had a name. The name was depression. Once I understood what it was, I felt like there was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders.

"...there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."
Because depression and other mental disorders are "bewildering," sometimes we may feel embarrassed to talk about them. We might think people will judge us. The truth is, we have no reason to be ashamed. Some people have physical weaknesses or sicknesses, others have mental struggles.  

I am so grateful to Elder Holland. He reminded me that the things I go through mentally are confusing, but very real. He also reminded me that I don't need to be ashamed of my struggles. 

To read his full talk, please click here.

It Has a Name

I remember where I was sitting when I gave the things that were happening inside my head a name.

We often think that things only happen to other people. That is what I thought about anxiety and depression. Other people have that...I don't. I had a wonderful life, a loving family, a great boyfriend (now my husband), a solid spiritual foundation, a job I enjoyed, and supportive friends. Why would I have depression? It didn't make sense.

I was sitting in my 1995 Toyota Corolla. I was sobbing. For some strange reason, I thought my world was falling apart. I felt like I was in a fog that I couldn't get out of. I was talking to Jordan on the phone, and I finally gave it a name. I said something along the lines of:

"It's like my mind is sick. It's like something isn't working correctly. It's like...depression."

I think I had thought it in my head before, but I had never said it out loud. It's incredible what can happen when you realize that is what it is. I am not broken, my mind is just struggling. I am not crazy, my brain is just out of balance. I will not be like this forever, I can get through it.

It still helps me to get through. Sometimes I still start to believe that I am crazy. I start to believe I can't get out of the fog. With the help of God and others, I always do. When I am able to remember that depression is something I sometimes have, it isn't who I am, I feel so much hope.

God loves us, and life is good!

Musical Number...Part 2

This song is so good, I had to split it into a couple of different parts to make sure I felt I had given it justice. (To read Part 1 click here.)

The chorus of the song goes like this,

"He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words

Could take away your sorrow

And no human eyes could see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you."

Anxiety and depression can be hard because a lot of times you can't tell someone is going through it on the outside. If you were physically sick, you would have people asking how you are feeling or bringing you "Get well!" cards, but when you are mentally sick, there may be very few or even no people who know your situation. Further still, many people (not because of a fault of their own) don't understand anxiety and depression. They may think you are just going through a phase or that it is "all in your head."
This song reminds me that Jesus understands. Even when it seems like nothing on earth can help, Jesus can.

Musical Number Part 1

Last Monday, a sister in my church asked me if I would play the piano for a musical number she was doing for our Sunday meeting. At first, I was thinking I couldn't do it, we don't own a piano yet, and I am working two jobs for the next couple of weeks. I found out that the song was all in the key of C (no sharps or flats), so I decided I could probably do it without hours and hours practice.

The song was, "He'll Carry You" by Hilary Weeks. As I played it and listened to this sister sing, the song touched my heart in so many ways. The first verse goes like this... 

"He knows your heart

He knows your pain

He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today

He sees the tears that you cry

He knows your soul is aching to know why

He hears your prayers, each humble word

When you said you couldn't face another day he understood

He knows the path that you will find

Though you felt alone He's never left your side."

The line, 'He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today,' especially hit home with me. When I was in the depths of anxiety and depression, just breathing was a huge accomplishment. Sometimes I tell myself that is all I have to do for a few minutes, "All you have to do is breathe."

There were times I felt completely alone, but I know He never left my side.

I have to admit, I didn't see that one coming...

*Cell phone rings*
Me: "Hello?"
Phone: "Hi, is this Chelsea?"
Me: "Yes."
Phone: "Hi Chelsea, how are you doing?"
Me: "Good, thanks. How are you?"
Phone: "Good. Thanks for asking. Well, your test came back positive for Celiac disease. Your doctor  (Doctor #1) recommends a gluten-free diet."
Me: "Ummm....wow, okay."

After this conversation we entered a roller coaster ride of questions and answers.

I had gone to the doctor because I'd been having pretty significant stomach issues. I'd get sick very easily. Often, I wouldn't eat because I was afraid of getting sick, but the lack of food would then make me sick. Several doctors trips occurred, but I wasn't getting better. Finally, I was tested for celiac and also scheduled to have an allergy test.

I found out I had celiac and then I went to have the allergy test a few days later (just to see if there were any other problems.) When I had my allergy test, the doctor (Doctor #2) told me I had actually scored a very "low positive" on the celiac test. He wanted me to have a scope before they made me get on the diet. This left me feeling that we may have overreacted. We felt fairly confident I didn't really have celiac disease.

When I went in for the consultation of my scope, the doctor (Doctor #3) told us that even though I scored a "low positive" on the test, he was fairly confident I WAS celiac. He said he had scoped many people who had actually scored in the "normal" range on the celiac test, but once they were looked at it was determined they had celiac.

About a week later, I got a scope. Jordan thought it was pretty funny to see me wake up from a drug-induced sleep. (He even recorded some of it :) ). The doctor (Doctor #3) told Jordan (while I was asleep) that my insides looked normal and didn't show the usual signs of celiac, but they were taking a biopsy. Maybe I didn't really have it?

About 6 days later, I got another call from the Doctor (Doctor #3). He told me once again, that I do have celiac and I need to go on a gluten-free diet.

A few tears, extra dollars spent on gluten free foods, and gratitude for the hopes of better health later, I sit here typing this post.

It's been hard. Especially when I think of all the wonderful foods I can't eat (at least not in the way I am used to.) My chicken sandwich at Red Robin, my Meatball Marinara from Subway, and mine and Jordan's beloved Oreo's to name just a few. But, I am learning how many options there are and that I will make it! And, I believe it will be worth it.

The other day, Jordan read me a scripture about our weaknesses turning to strengths and challenged me to thank God for my Celiac. I did, and I will try to continue to, even though it is hard.

P.S. Special shout out to my family for supporting me in this, the doctors who were all wonderful, and for Karin, especially for making me some gluten-free Oreos :)

My new and improved Gluten-free shelf of my pantry.

Heather

School is rough for me at times. I get frustrated because I'm a bit of a homebody. I enjoy learning, but I have been known to complain about school. During the Spring Semester of 2012, I was in a Math 1020 class at 7 o’clock in the morning. During that time I was experiencing high levels of anxiety about anything and everything. Going to school was really hard, especially so early in the morning. But, God had not forgotten me. He knew I was struggling. He sent me an angel friend who helped me get through the semester. Her name is Heather. I still remember when she sat next to me the first day. She said something like, “Well, I’m Heather, what is your name?” Right when you look at her you can tell she is a fun and kind person. We bonded quickly. It was not a rare occurrence for us to burst out laughing during class and miss some of the lecture we were supposed to be taking notes on. At times we worried that we drove the people around us a bit crazy. Heather made me laugh and made me feel like myself (anxiety has a way of stripping your identity from you). Some mornings I would feel like I couldn’t go to school that day, but I would remember my friend Heather was going to be in my first class, and I could go. One time, a girl who sat in front of us asked where Heather and I had met. I said, “In this class.” She said, “Seriously? I thought you had been friends for years!” I know God had her sit next to me so she could be a friend at this time in my life. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and I am grateful for her friendship.

You Aren't Broken

Like one of my favorite Christmas movies says, It is a Wonderful Life. Life is wonderful, but there are times when life can be almost unbearable. There are many reasons life can be hard: Anxiety, depression, loss of a loved one, loneliness, and the list goes on. I am here to tell you that you aren't broken if, for some reason, you are sad this Christmas season. Because Christmas is so wonderful, if you are experiencing some sort of pain, it can make it so hard to go through. Thoughts of previous Christmas's when things were easier can come to mind, you may feel you are never going to feel better. I hope you believe me when I tell you that it is okay to be sad sometimes. Don't beat yourself up if you are having a hard time this Christmas. I am also here to tell you not to give up. If you are having a difficult Christmas season, look forward to the Christmas's to come when you are feeling better. A hard Christmas doesn't mean every Christmas will be that way. I heard this song on the radio the other day, and it touched my heart. I pray it may touch yours too. Broken Hearts Like Mine By: Cherie Call It was right around this time of year, not too long ago That was when I heard the news that he wasn't coming home. Now there's just something about this holiday that just tears me up inside But Jesus was born, and He lived, and He died for broken hearts like mine. I see the gifts and the Christmas trees, and I don't think these things are wrong. I just don't want to break down under all these lights, so I still can't sing the songs. Because the melodies turn to memories, and the only peace on earth I find Is knowing Jesus was born, and He lived, and He died for broken hearts like mine. I can feel the tenderness of friends who care I can see the children playing everywhere I just try to fade into the scenery 'Cause everyone is meant to be Christmas-ing. I am not homeless or alone or poor Sometimes I'm content to be ignored But that doesn't mean that I don't believe  Believing is what saves me in times like these. Jesus was born in a stable, so He must know how it can be Sometimes I feel like this holiday doesn't have a place for me. But when it's all I can do just to make it through this bittersweet Christmastime I remember Jesus was born and He lived and He died For broken hearts like mine. I'll be singing once again, I just need a little time. I'm thankful that Jesus was born, and He lived and He died For broken hearts like mine. Merry Christmas!!

Life Stories

I was reminded today how important it is to serve other people. I find it intriguing that every person has a life story. Every person we see has had moments in their lives that would make you laugh, cry, and everything in between. God tells us not to judge other people because we don't know all their life's stories.
I was reminded at church today that the Spirit can lead us to help people in ways we wouldn't know ourselves. Because God knows all of our life stories, He can guide us to help people who need to know they are important and loved.
God has lead people to help me in my times of depression and anxiety. It amazes me how much He loves us and how personal He is. If you feel it is right for you, pray that God will lead you to someone, anyone, who you could touch. Many times, God answers prayers by asking His children to serve their spiritual brothers and sisters.

Math Class

During my sophomore year at Weber State University (Spring 2012 semester), I was having quite the struggle with my anxiety. It was really hard to go to school each morning. There were times I would cry in class, with my head down, hoping my classmates couldn't see. It was hard, but God sent me people to help me. One class I had was my problem solving math class. It was hard, but also a lot of fun. (I like math). On the first day of class, I sat down next to a woman who looked like she was in her thirties. We were both a little bit quiet (as many people are on the first day), but as the weeks went by, we started to talk and get to know each other. I learned about her kids, her pets, she was also a special education major, etc. We grew to be very good friends. I would enjoy seeing her each class day. I learned quickly that she was very smart and always went the extra mile on her assignments. Having a dear friend in my class made it easier to deal with my anxiety that semester. I learned that God is always looking out for us and sends us people who can help us. Thank you Michelle!

This was our textbook from the class. It is one of the few I didn't sell back because I enjoyed the class so much thanks to Michelle, my teacher, and the other people I made friends with.

Anxiety and The Killers?

The Killers are a band I was introduced to after I met my husband. At first, I was extremely skeptical. To be honest, I didn't really like them that much. Jordan loves them, so we listened to them often. The more I listened, the more I started to like them. The strangest thing was when I started to listen to them when I wasn't with Jordan. Then, I finally came to the realization that they are pretty awesome.
My favorite song by The Killers is called, "A Dustland Fairytale." There is a line I love in this song,

"And the decades disappear

like sinking ships we persevere

God gives up hope, but we still fear what we don't know."

There have been SO many times God has given me Hope. He tells me things are going to work out, He tells me things are going to be okay. I am a human, I am imperfect, and I forget these moments. I let my mind take over and I become filled with anxiety. That is one of the reasons I have decided to do this blog. Writing helps me remember everything God and my family/friends have done for me. It gives me so much hope. It reminds me I have anxiety and depression, but those things don't define who I am. Happy Sunday!

P.S. The lead singer of The Killers, Brandon Flowers, is actually a Latter-Day Saint. View his Mormon Message here.

To read about some other songs that have helped me in my journey with anxiety/depression, click here.

Why Me?

In dealing with anxiety/depression, there have been times when I have thought, "Why me?" It can be scary to not know if you are going to be able to control your emotions at a certain point or wonder why you can't seem to think straight. It can be embarrassing to go through a panic attack or try to explain to someone how you are feeling when you don't understand it fully yourself. It can be hard to feel like you are the only one, or that you are going crazy and there is nothing you can do about it.
I realized the other day, that I think part of my anxiety may be triggered by the fact that I am so passionate about so many things. I love my family and friends, I love my religion, and I love my country. I am sometimes shy, but I am very passionate and opinionated about these things. When I feel out of control or worried someone I love is hurting, it is almost too much for me. When I let myself feel like I am not good enough, it can bring me way down.
I've thought about it, and even though I deal with anxiety and depression, I wouldn't take away my passion for the things I love in order to get rid of my struggle. I would rather have some ups and downs along the way than be an emotional stone. My passion for the things I love make me who I am. As I go through out my day, I try to remember that God knows me and He has a plan for me.

Quite possibly the most patient man in the world...and his crazy wife ;)