Living With a Black Dog: Part 3

Every time I read this book by Matthew Johnstone, I am amazed at the accuracy the author has in describing exactly how depression can cause you to feel. A page that hit me today says,

"People who've had a Black Dog in their lives often say that in retrospect, 'the Dog' probably had been sniffing around for a long time. They just didn't have the understanding and knowledge to give it a name."

It took me a long time to realize what was going on in my life. Depression was one of those things that only happened to "other people." I didn't think it was something that could happen to me. When I realized what it was, my world began to change. It didn't make it go away, but it helped me to understand it and realize I wasn't broken (even though I felt like it).
I was scared to realize I had depression. There are so many unknowns and things that are hard to understand. I guess that is why I talk and blog about it. Expressing my experiences and hearing about the things others have been through helps me to understand it better.
What I have learned is that depression and anxiety are a part of my life at times, but they do not define me.

Read parts one and two of "Living With a Black Dog"

Questions about taking medicine for anxiety/depression? I had them too, read about it here.

Musical Number Part 1

Last Monday, a sister in my church asked me if I would play the piano for a musical number she was doing for our Sunday meeting. At first, I was thinking I couldn't do it, we don't own a piano yet, and I am working two jobs for the next couple of weeks. I found out that the song was all in the key of C (no sharps or flats), so I decided I could probably do it without hours and hours practice.

The song was, "He'll Carry You" by Hilary Weeks. As I played it and listened to this sister sing, the song touched my heart in so many ways. The first verse goes like this... 

"He knows your heart

He knows your pain

He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today

He sees the tears that you cry

He knows your soul is aching to know why

He hears your prayers, each humble word

When you said you couldn't face another day he understood

He knows the path that you will find

Though you felt alone He's never left your side."

The line, 'He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today,' especially hit home with me. When I was in the depths of anxiety and depression, just breathing was a huge accomplishment. Sometimes I tell myself that is all I have to do for a few minutes, "All you have to do is breathe."

There were times I felt completely alone, but I know He never left my side.

Heather

School is rough for me at times. I get frustrated because I'm a bit of a homebody. I enjoy learning, but I have been known to complain about school. During the Spring Semester of 2012, I was in a Math 1020 class at 7 o’clock in the morning. During that time I was experiencing high levels of anxiety about anything and everything. Going to school was really hard, especially so early in the morning. But, God had not forgotten me. He knew I was struggling. He sent me an angel friend who helped me get through the semester. Her name is Heather. I still remember when she sat next to me the first day. She said something like, “Well, I’m Heather, what is your name?” Right when you look at her you can tell she is a fun and kind person. We bonded quickly. It was not a rare occurrence for us to burst out laughing during class and miss some of the lecture we were supposed to be taking notes on. At times we worried that we drove the people around us a bit crazy. Heather made me laugh and made me feel like myself (anxiety has a way of stripping your identity from you). Some mornings I would feel like I couldn’t go to school that day, but I would remember my friend Heather was going to be in my first class, and I could go. One time, a girl who sat in front of us asked where Heather and I had met. I said, “In this class.” She said, “Seriously? I thought you had been friends for years!” I know God had her sit next to me so she could be a friend at this time in my life. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and I am grateful for her friendship.

The Avengers

I love super hero movies. I love the good vs. evil premise, and that right always wins. In the movie, "The Avengers," there is a point when one of the characters is just coming out of being brainwashed. As he struggles to regain his composure, his identity, and figure out where his mind has been the last little while, he says,

“Have you ever had someone take your brain and play? Pull you out? Stuff something else in?"

I've never been brainwashed, but anxiety and depression sometimes feels that way. You don't feel at home in your own mind. You find things there that aren't yours. It feels as if some evil power is taking your brain to "play." 

The good news is, it's not you. It won't last forever. Just like the hero in "The Avengers," you will feel like yourself again. Remember that even if you are having a hard time, you are still you. You will be yourself again. 

You Aren't Broken

Like one of my favorite Christmas movies says, It is a Wonderful Life. Life is wonderful, but there are times when life can be almost unbearable. There are many reasons life can be hard: Anxiety, depression, loss of a loved one, loneliness, and the list goes on. I am here to tell you that you aren't broken if, for some reason, you are sad this Christmas season. Because Christmas is so wonderful, if you are experiencing some sort of pain, it can make it so hard to go through. Thoughts of previous Christmas's when things were easier can come to mind, you may feel you are never going to feel better. I hope you believe me when I tell you that it is okay to be sad sometimes. Don't beat yourself up if you are having a hard time this Christmas. I am also here to tell you not to give up. If you are having a difficult Christmas season, look forward to the Christmas's to come when you are feeling better. A hard Christmas doesn't mean every Christmas will be that way. I heard this song on the radio the other day, and it touched my heart. I pray it may touch yours too. Broken Hearts Like Mine By: Cherie Call It was right around this time of year, not too long ago That was when I heard the news that he wasn't coming home. Now there's just something about this holiday that just tears me up inside But Jesus was born, and He lived, and He died for broken hearts like mine. I see the gifts and the Christmas trees, and I don't think these things are wrong. I just don't want to break down under all these lights, so I still can't sing the songs. Because the melodies turn to memories, and the only peace on earth I find Is knowing Jesus was born, and He lived, and He died for broken hearts like mine. I can feel the tenderness of friends who care I can see the children playing everywhere I just try to fade into the scenery 'Cause everyone is meant to be Christmas-ing. I am not homeless or alone or poor Sometimes I'm content to be ignored But that doesn't mean that I don't believe  Believing is what saves me in times like these. Jesus was born in a stable, so He must know how it can be Sometimes I feel like this holiday doesn't have a place for me. But when it's all I can do just to make it through this bittersweet Christmastime I remember Jesus was born and He lived and He died For broken hearts like mine. I'll be singing once again, I just need a little time. I'm thankful that Jesus was born, and He lived and He died For broken hearts like mine. Merry Christmas!!

Peace

I got sick this weekend. It wasn't very fun. My husband was an angel; helping me to feel comfortable and get better. There was a point where my anxiety started to really get into my head. I felt like I was having an "out of body experience." I felt so strange. I think it was a combinations of being physically sick and then the anxiety on top of it. There was a point when I really started to worry about something. I was scared. Then, I had a very peaceful feeling come over me. It was like Heavenly Father was saying, "You're going to be okay, don't worry." That moment was wonderful. Later, when I began to worry again, I was able to lean on that special moment I had had. I was able to tell myself everything would be okay. I am so grateful the Lord took a second to help me feel peaceful. It got me through the day!

Inadequate

Today, I started to feel that feeling of inadequacy. I started to think of all the things I don't do well, my flaws, my imperfections... I tried to imagine myself with the Savior. I imagined him whispering in my ear, "Everything is going to be okay." This helped me remember how much He loves me, flaws and all.

I Really Am

After months of battling anxiety, I remember one day when someone asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Good." I had answered this question half-heartedly many times in the previous months. After this particular response I thought to myself,

"I really am, I am doing good."

What a sweet moment that was.

Big Weekend

This past weekend, my sister got married! Due to this, we were surrounded with family and friends and the family and friends of my sister's new husband. A few months ago, that may have been too much for me to handle. I can't really explain it, because I have always loved people, (especially family and friends) but my anxiety can make me feel extremely afraid and uncomfortable in big groups of people. This past weekend could've been really hard, but it wasn't. It was wonderful and memorable. I was able to talk with people, laugh, and joke. It was wonderful to witness a sealing (the first one I have seen since my own!) in the Salt Lake Temple. It felt wonderful. There have been times when I have had to pretend I was having a good time because of my anxiety, but last weekend, I didn't have to do that. I told my husband, "I wasn't faking it!" It felt wonderful to talk with dozens of people, run around the reception trying to make sure things were going okay, hugging people I hadn't seen for a while, dancing along with the bride to "Dynamite" and "The Cupid Shuffle," and just enjoying the day. I am not "over" my anxiety, but I am learning I can live with it and still be me.

Happy Girl

These lyrics touched my heart today,

"I used to live in a darkened room
Had a face of stone and a heart of gloom
Lost my hope, I was so far gone.
Cryin' all my tears with the curtains drawn.
I didn't know until my soul broke free,
I've got these angels watching over me.
...
I used to hide in a party crowd
Bottled up inside feeling so left out
Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes
With my frozen smile and my lighted fuse.
Now every time I start to feel like that,
I roll my heart out like a welcome mat.
...
Laugh when I feel like it,
Cry when I feel like it
That's how my life is, that's how it goes.
....
Oh, watch me go, I'm a happy girl.
Everybody knows
that the sweetest thing that you'll ever see
in the whole wide world
is a happy girl."

-Martina McBride, "Happy Girl."

I've had angels watching over me, learned to let myself laugh and cry, and I am trying to learn to "roll my heart out like a welcome mat." I am a Happy Girl.

How I Know God Likes Country Music

As Jordan (my husband) and I were dating I experienced high levels of anxiety. I don’t really know why, it just happened. I had anxiety about everything. Even though it was rough, it helped Jordan and I get to know each other in a very special way. He would help me through panic attacks (he still does) and he never gave up on me. One day I was on my way to class at the University. For some reason I was completely and totally overwhelmed this day. My mind was cloudy, nothing was making sense, and I thought I was beyond hope. My mind was telling me there was nothing good in the world, and even if there was, I wasn't worthy to be a partaker of it. As I drove to school, I just cried and cried. It was on Highway 89 that the radio began to play one of my two favorite songs, Lady Antebellum’s “Just a Kiss.” My tears of frustration and anger softened as I listened to the words. I was in shock when right after this song, my other favorite song came on the radio, “Crazy Girl” by the Eli Young Band. I was still crying, but they were now tears of gratitude. I took this as God’s way of showing me He loved me. He knew I was having a hard time, but He was still with me. There were one or two other times when I felt hopeless and these songs came on the radio right after another. I don’t know exactly how God works, but I do know he got my country station to play those songs when I needed them. I felt it was God tapping me on the shoulder to say, “I’m still here, I love you.”

Where Did I Go?

For a long time I was worried that anxiety had taken my identity away from me. In High School, I was always the girl with the loud laugh who was always smiling. When I was hit with anxiety I would see people who I used to be like and almost get angry. Their perkiness would cause me to pull into my shell and want to hide. I would think, "I remember when I used to be like that, in the middle of the conversations, quick to come up with a witty comment, and friendly to everyone." I felt like I was losing myself. There were things I used to find great joy in that I had no interest in anymore. It scared me. My anxiety would make me feel like I didn't want to talk to anyone I didn't know. I was uncomfortable in rooms with a lot of people.
I remember one night telling my mom, "I don't feel like myself." (She has been through similar things even on a deeper level than I have.) The neatest thing was she totally understood what I meant. She told me,

"I know you don't believe me right now, but trust me. You will feel like yourself again."

I didn't believe her then. I wanted to, but it seemed impossible.

It wasn't easy. I went through a lot of tears, anguish, fears, etc. and I still do. But, the more time that passes, the more I feel like myself. It is interesting though, because even though I feel like myself again, I am different than I was before. I am more aware of the people around me. I have a more forgiving heart and I am much more accepting of others. Before anxiety, I was very judgmental. I am still working on it, but I have learned to give people the benefit of the doubt. Before, I found a lot of pleasure in being the loud and funny one in a group. That is not necessarily bad, but it may not be the best choice on the list of good, better, and best. I still love to be funny and have a good time, and I am still known for my ear-drum breaking laugh, but I have developed in ways I couldn't imagine before. Anxiety didn't take my identity away from me, it just molded me in new ways. I was afraid I had lost myself, that I was just going to watch my life pass by, but this hasn't happened. Having anxiety has helped me to appreciate the wonderful things even more. I have had hard days, but life is still good.