Every Day

I deal with anxiety every day. But, even as I write this...I realize..I'm (pretty much) okay with that. It has been interesting as I have learned more and more how to work with it instead of against it. I still have loads to learn, but it amazes me how much better I have gotten at dealing with it. Here are some things that help me:

1. I have found one of the best things for me when I start to feel anxious is to pay attention to my breathing. I am a religious person, and I fully believe that God sends His spirit (the Holy Ghost) to comfort us. When I feel anxious, I strive to breathe and pray to invite Heavenly Father's Spirit to comfort my heart. I am so thankful for this. I tell myself, "Just breathe. That's the only thing you have to do right now. Just breathe."

2. I have been learning not to fear the actual physical anxious feeling. Everyone may experience it a little differently, but I tend to feel my anxiety in my chest and sometimes in my legs (I know it sounds weird). I have started to almost "step back" from the feelings to observe them. When I step back, I realize this feeling that seemed so HUGE and SCARY is just a sort of pressure on my chest or a tightness in my legs. Like my mom has told me, "Remember, it's just a feeling."

3. I talk to myself. I'm not ashamed to say it! I often have to talk myself through things. I often say, "Everything is just fine. I'm feeling a little anxious, but that's okay." I tell myself to breathe. I tell myself I only have to do one thing at a time. I tell myself everything is going to be great. I tell myself that God loves me.

4. I try to validate my feelings a little bit. There are some things I get anxious about that are quite ridiculous or don't make any sense, but there are some things that are very normal to worry about. I try to tell myself, "It's okay to worry about <insert fear here>, but I don't need to let it debilitate me."

5. I try to give my brain time to rest. If I can tell my mind is starting to obsessively worry about something, I try to do something that doesn't take a lot of brain power: TV, solitaire, resting, taking a shower, surfing the internet, etc. I try not to waste a lot of time, but give my brain time to rest and recover.

6. I've talked about my quiet book before, it has helped me so many times. My quiet book is filled with quotes I have collected that really touch my heart. Most of mine are from religious leaders, but they can be quotes from anywhere. If I start to feel my mind get "cloudy" or I start to obsessively worry, I pull out my quiet book and read the quotes that are special to me.

7. I talk to others about it. One of the things that has helped me the most is talking about it. I used to hide my anxiety. I didn't want people to know about it. Now, I am very open about it. I try to communicate with my husband when I am having a hard time. I try to notice others I see struggling and talk to them about it. I blog about it. It really helps to talk. When I talk, I realize I'm not the only one who experiences these things.

I used to react to anxiety by trying to fight it. I would try to force my brain to think differently. I would get extremely tense, emotional, and unhappy. Now, I try to "go with the flow." I know the anxiety will pass, so I try to calmly deal with it until it subsides. Sometimes it's hard, but it is very doable.

I can't lie, I often imagine what it would be like to have anxiety completely out of my life. But, until then, I can use the things I've learned to live with anxiety and still be very happy.  

A page from my Quiet Book

The Best is Yet to Be

I love being a mom. It is the hardest and most wonderful thing I have ever done. That little man has changed my world forever. I love him.

What I didn't expect, was the pain and anxiety I feel each time I realize he is getting bigger. First, I packed away his newborn clothes, then I put away his 0-3 month clothes. Ouch. It was a similar feeling to putting away Christmas decorations, but with those, I can console myself in remembering I will be pulling them out again in less than a year. I don't know when I will see the clothes again, and my babe will never wear them again. The dreaded night we moved him to his crib to sleep, I wanted to go sleep on the floor next to his crib, but I stayed in my bed trying to be strong.

It is so hard to watch him grow, but it is also SO wonderful. He has started rolling, eating cereal, smiling, laughing, reaching, and he puts everything in his mouth. He observes the world around him. He responds to me and his daddy. The other day he reached for me. He reached for me! It was amazing. He loves to play with toys and "talk." He has the sweetest giggle and he can now put his binky in his own mouth. He is learning what his hands and feet can do. He gets cuter everyday.
It is wonderful, but I find myself worrying about the future. "How will I drop him off on his first day of Kindergarten?" "He won't be this size forever, he's changing!" "Will he visit me on Mother's Day when he's 40?" I can almost send myself into a panic attack. That is why I have hung a new sign in my house. It says, "The Best is Yet to Be." I tell myself this every time I start to worry about my little man growing and changing. "The Best is Yet to Be."

It's okay that I feel heart ache when he is growing, but I will strive to enjoy every stage and remember that the best is yet to be.

What My Sweet Baby Has Taught Me About God's Love

“Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend.”

–Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Shortly after my baby was born, my friend brought me a frame with this quote in it. She knew I was struggling a bit with postpartum depression and came to lend me her love and support. While you might think this post is about postpartum depression, I am actually steering it in a different direction (although that topic is very worthy of conversation that will probably come in the future).

Ever since I was born, I have been taught that I am a child of God and that He loves me very much. The quote above has touched my heart, but I feel I have gotten a greater understanding of it since I became a mom.

One of the first nights we came home from the hospital, I was looking at my sleeping little boy and I had tears streaming down my face. When my husband asked me what was wrong, I responded, “Nothing, I just love him so much.” While I was still a bit hormonal, the love I feel for him is so real and so strong.

When I think of him and his little mind, it occurs to me that, similar to the quote above, he can’t even comprehend right now how much I love him. He knows I hug him, kiss him, feed him, and change his diaper. I pray he feels safe in my arms and feels that this person who is with him all day every day is someone who thinks he is very special.

Then I think of all the things he can’t comprehend yet.

He can’t yet comprehend that I carried him for 9 months and delivered him. He doesn’t know how many times I googled things to make sure I could take a certain medicine while I was pregnant or to make sure something that was happening to me was normal. He doesn’t know how terrified and excited both his dad and I were in the delivery room. He doesn’t know I counted down the days to his birth and doodled his name on post-it notes over and over again. He doesn’t know that the password to my computer was his name.

He doesn’t know that his dad and I went college and to work for years to prepare to earn money so we would be financially stable enough to welcome a little person into the world. He doesn’t know yet that I have dreamed of being a mom since I was a little girl.

He isn’t aware that I have called and visited his pediatrician several times to make sure he is developing the way he should. He doesn’t know that when he is in pain, I am in pain and wish I could take it away from him. He can’t comprehend the bittersweet feeling I have when I realize how much he has grown since we brought him home. He doesn’t know that the thousands of pictures that are taken of him are so we can remember and preserve how sweet and precious he is.

He doesn’t know that we pray for him every night. We pray he will feel our love and our Heavenly Father’s love for him.

He doesn’t know that we pay a bill every month towards our mortgage for the home that he lives in, the water in his formula and baths, and the electricity. He doesn’t know that after he falls asleep, we have a baby monitor to hear if he cries and make sure he is okay. He doesn’t know the planning that went into his first and middle name. He doesn’t know how much more carefully I drive ever since he was born.

He doesn’t know that there were millions of little pieces that needed to fall into place to bring him here: his dad and I getting married, both sets of our parents getting married, the grandparents, great grandparents, and the list goes on and on.

He doesn’t know that his dad and I have sacrificed some things just for him: sleep, vacations, free time. He doesn’t know that carrying him changed the way my body looks and I am trying to learn not to be self-conscious about it.

He doesn’t know that I think of his future constantly. One year, three years, twenty years. He doesn’t know that I yearn to keep him little while feeling so excited to watch him grow.

There are so many things my little man can’t comprehend yet. He has no idea how much his dad and I love him. It is the same with our Father in Heaven. We know He loves us, He sent His Son to die for us, and He created a beautiful world for us to live in. We know those things, but our minds can’t even comprehend HOW MUCH He really loves us.

What a lovely thought it is that such a magnificent Being cares about us more than we can even imagine. 

My Quiet Book

A common thing you will see at church is a "Quiet Book." Parents keep these books stashed in their diaper bags to pull out when children are starting to lose interest in sitting quietly and listening. There are a variety of different types of quiet books. Many include pictures of Jesus, scripture stories, letters, numbers, etc. The goal of the quiet book is to help a child stay reverent by keeping them appropriately entertained.

I recently started to make myself a quiet book. My quiet book has a slightly different goal, though. My quiet book is made to help me in those moments when I find myself losing hope. It is for those moments when the fog of anxiety and depression becomes so thick that I start to forget how good life is.

In my quiet book, there are a variety of scriptures, quotes, song lyrics, etc. that each have a special place in my heart. I enjoy typing up these words and try to make them look beautiful with pictures and colors. When I read and add to my quiet book, I feel God's love for me and I am reminded that my anxiety and depression are not in control.

One of the pages in my quiet book.

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I want to say...I'm sorry! I have been neglecting you. I promise I haven't forgotten about you. I still visit so very often, I just haven't posted for a while. I have been a little bit overwhelmed by work and such the last few months. I know that if I start feeling anxious that I need to post, that it is a bit counter productive, and you don't want that. This is why I haven't posted for a little while. I am still here and there will be many more posts very soon.

Your friend,
Chelsea

PS- Have you met my sister's blog? I have a feeling you guys will be very good friends. http://www.muchmorepreciousthangold.com/

Felt Love

I Know There's Hope

“Things Are Gonna Get Better”

David Archuleta

Everybody’s got a time in their life

When everything hurts and nothing’s right.

But you gotta walk on, yeah you gotta walk on.

Everybody’s got a piece of their heart

That’s been stepped on and torn apart.

But you gotta be strong, yeah you gotta walk on.

‘Cause I know, it’s hard to have the strength and,

Sometimes all you feel is pain, but,

Things keep floating by on that river in the night.

But I know things are gonna get better,

And I know things are gonna be fine.

And I know Life is gonna get better,

Life is gonna get better, yeah we’re gonna be fine.

Everybody’s got that one regret, no matter how they try, they can’t forget.

But you gotta move on, yeah you gotta move on.

And everybody’s got someone they lost,

And they can’t believe they’re really gone.

But you gotta live on, yeah you gotta live on.

‘Cause I know, it’s hard to have the strength and,

Sometimes, all you feel is pain, but,

Things keep floating by on that river in the night.

But I know things are gonna get better,

And I know things are gonna be fine.

And I know Life is gonna get better,

Life is gonna get better, yeah we’re gonna be fine.

And I know there’s hope.

I see it in your eyes.

So take me, touch me.

‘Cause with a little bit of love we can see the light.

With a little bit of love it’ll be alright.

I know things are gonna get better.

And I know things are gonna be fine.

And I know Life is gonna get better,

Life is gonna get better, yeah we’re gonna be fine.

               I remember when I was first starting College. One of my best friends, Erin, and I would carpool to school together. I was going through some difficult things with my anxiety and depression, and she was going through a whirlwind of trials. She was telling me about some of the things she was struggling with and without realizing it, I started humming this song. She then said, “Why are you humming THAT song!?” We shared a good laugh. I remember thinking about Erin’s trials and sincerely hoping things would get better for her. Even though life isn’t perfect (and it is REALLY hard sometimes), it certainly has “gotten better” for both Erin and I since that time. 



PS- Check out my sister's brand new blog about her journey with depression here.