Musical Number Part 1

Last Monday, a sister in my church asked me if I would play the piano for a musical number she was doing for our Sunday meeting. At first, I was thinking I couldn't do it, we don't own a piano yet, and I am working two jobs for the next couple of weeks. I found out that the song was all in the key of C (no sharps or flats), so I decided I could probably do it without hours and hours practice.

The song was, "He'll Carry You" by Hilary Weeks. As I played it and listened to this sister sing, the song touched my heart in so many ways. The first verse goes like this... 

"He knows your heart

He knows your pain

He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today

He sees the tears that you cry

He knows your soul is aching to know why

He hears your prayers, each humble word

When you said you couldn't face another day he understood

He knows the path that you will find

Though you felt alone He's never left your side."

The line, 'He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today,' especially hit home with me. When I was in the depths of anxiety and depression, just breathing was a huge accomplishment. Sometimes I tell myself that is all I have to do for a few minutes, "All you have to do is breathe."

There were times I felt completely alone, but I know He never left my side.

God Bless

Ever since I was young I've had instilled in me a deep love for my country. Events like what happened in Boston yesterday make my soul ache. It is beyond any of my understanding why anyone would choose to deliberately put other people in such pain.

On my way to school yesterday, the country radio station I was listening to played, "God Bless the U.S.A." as a dedication to those suffering in Boston. As I drove to school today, I saw a beautiful, huge American flag flying at half mast. I watched it blow in the wind and now, I think about all the things that have happened to make it possible for that flag to be there. Many wars, Presidents, laws, disagreements, speeches, and tragedies. 

After a tragedy like yesterday, some might be tempted to ask, "Does that star spangled banner still wave?"

It does, at half mast at times, but it keeps waving "o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave." 

  Our prayers are with those in Boston. God Bless the U.S.A.

Remembering to Not Freak Out

I started training for a new job last Wednesday at a Pest Control Company. It has been a really good experience and I have met some of the nicest people. Each day, I've had a moment when I feel like I can't do it. I am learning a TON of new information, and sometimes it feels like my brain is going to explode. I start to convince myself that I can't do it and I never will be able to. Watching my co-workers who have been there for a long time, it can get discouraging. They are so good at what they do!
While it has been difficult and there have been a few times I have wanted to run home (literally, it's really close to my house), I am so grateful for this experience. My new co-workers are very kind people and I am glad I know them. They are very patient with me as I am in this learning stage. I am making progress (even if it's slow) and they are so encouraging.
The other amazing thing is how perfectly this job is fitting in with my schedule and how flexible they are to work with me. I have quite a bit on my plate right now with home, work, and school responsibilities. Even though it is new and sometimes scary, I find it exciting. I can't wait to improve. I continue to remind myself not to freak out.

FYI: The LDS General Conference is this weekend. It's seriously one of my favorite times of the year. For more information click here.

Relief and Pure Joy

On this day one year ago, my boyfriend magically turned into my fiance. The night before, I was having one of my anxiety struggles. It was time for him to go home and I didn't want to say good bye. He casually said, "How about this, you come over to my house for dinner tomorrow night. I'll make tacos."
I thought this was a great idea, it helped me feel better, and we said good night.
The next day, about an hour before I was going to head to Jordan's, I was just chilling on the couch, surfing Pinterest. My sister said she had to go do something with some people from the church, and my parents and brother said they were going to look at a couch they were thinking about buying.
I told them I wouldn't be home when they got home because I was going to Jordan's for dinner...little did I know...
I drove to Jordan's and went to the door. To my surprise, when I walked in, there were A TON of people there! Jordan's mom, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, 2 nieces, best friend and sons, 2 uncles, aunt, 3 cousins, my mom, dad, 2 sisters, niece, and brother. They were all holding cameras, smiling, and cheering.
I was slightly confused, then Jordan's niece told me they were all here for my engagement party.
Jordan stepped out, got down on one knee, and my tears started. I didn't hesitate at all to say YES!

 This picture to me symbolizes relief and pure joy. After months of anxiety, I was receiving what my anxiety told me was impossible. I am so grateful this moment was captured.

***Interjection! If I may, I realized a while after posting this that it could be confusing why I express the feeling of relief. Why relief? Well, at that time, my anxiety was telling me daily that I couldn't be with my Jordan. It was telling me I didn't deserve him, I didn't deserve a happy life, etc. etc. When he proposed, all the anxiety was put to the side and I experienced peace and joy. Relief, I hadn't let my anxiety win. Time and time again I would start to slide back into my anxiety. I would begin to believe I wasn't worth anything again. Remembering this moment of joy, peace, and relief got me through...and my Jordan!***

Live Without Pretending

I wish I could take credit for this cute graphic, but I must give props to one of my favorite shows, Studio5. On this local morning show, they had this theme for the month of February, "Live Without Pretending." Their challenge to everyone was to truly embrace your life, imperfections and all. They encouraged people to even post pictures of things they would normally hide such as eating an entire carton of ice cream, what they look like without make-up on or hair done, or a messy room in their home. I feel the goal of it was to help us connect better with other people. None of us are perfect, so why do we sometimes try to pretend we are? 

While I don't think we should tell everyone about all of our imperfections and flaws, I think it is important to be genuine and real with people. It makes you much more personable and it can help create friendships that will last a lifetime.

The other day, I forgot a sweet woman from my church was coming over in the morning to kind of give me a run-down on the new class I am teaching. When I let her in, I was mortified. My house was literally a disaster. This was just after I found out I had celiac disease, so almost all of the contents of my pantry were all over the kitchen as I was figuring out what I could and couldn't eat. Since the kitchen was such a mess, we hadn't worried too much about straightening up the night before because I knew I was going to tackle all of it in the morning. So, seriously, my house was SCARY. I tried to explain to my friend why my house was so horridly messy and kept apologizing. Finally, she said, "Chelsea, seriously don't worry about. It is just fine." The funny thing was I really believed her. I didn't feel she was judging me or thinking I was a horrible housekeeper. She was being real with me. Her house has likely been extremely messy before, and she understood. Even though it was embarrassing, I am happy I had this experience. It helped me to be more real.

One of my ways of trying to live without pretending is to write on this blog. I hope sharing my experiences  with depression and anxiety can help other people. The more we talk, the more we can relate. The more we can relate the richer our friendships and lives will become.   

Introducing...Lady Bug!

So, the Monday before last, I convinced Jordan it was a good idea that we get a cat. So, we went to our local Petsmart and adopted a sweet 1 1/2 year old girl. Her name is Lady Bug.
I can't lie, I started to have a little anxiety about this new little friend in our home. I am still adjusting to trying to keep a house clean, and a cat can make that a little more difficult. At first, we kept all her things (food, litter box, etc.) in our upstairs bathroom. We also kept her in there when we were gone. After she was more used to our house, we moved her to the basement. She has her own fouton, homemade scratching post (thanks Jordy!), bed, food dish, litter box, etc. She comes upstairs when we are home, but when we are gone, she has the whole basement to herself.
When she sits in our laps while we watch TV, and we almost have to turn up the volume because she is purring so loudly, I realize that the little bit of extra work is totally worth it. Providing a little animal with a loving home has made me feel very happy.

Our "Little Bug"

Benefit of the Doubt

A phrase that is heard often is, "You have no idea what it's like to __________." Inserted in the blank is usually some sort of challenge or trial a person has or is going through. The phrase may be, "You have no idea what it's like to have anxiety/depression," "You have no idea what it's like to be obese," "You have no idea what it's like to lose a child," and the list goes on. Thinking of these phrases made me realize that everyone has at least one of these phrases they could say.
Everyone has been through something or is going through something currently that we may not understand. This is one of the reasons it is so important to be kind to each other. This is one of the reasons we need to give others the benefit of the doubt. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone deserves to be loved.

Happy Valentine's Day!!