Half Marathon to Boot

I've been struggling about how to write this post. I've known that I wanted to write a post about my half marathon experience, but I wasn't quite sure how to go about it. So, I decided to be honest and a bit raw. Here we go...

So, I ran a Half Marathon. YES! Jordan snapped this classy pic right after I crossed the finish line. I just got finished saying, "I am NEVER doing that again."

WHY I said that:
My knees started hurting at about mile 6...and I got a head ache. I contemplated crying mile 12, and I never hit that "runner's high" everyone always talks about.  

WHY I'm still glad I did it:
When I first started running this Spring, a half marathon seemed completely impossible. Crossing that finish line was a major victory that my anxiety could have kept me from accomplishing. I know I am experiencing a lot of anxiety when I start saying I can't do something. Running was one of the first things my anxious mind would like to cross off. (I can't run tomorrow!!) Even though I experience anxiety daily, I trained for and ran a half marathon!!

It was also fun to train and run with Jordan. He finished a while before me, but I still knew he was there. While I was running, I would think of how he had run by that same place just a little while before me. It was fun for us to work towards a common goal. (My awesome aunt and uncle also ran with us!)

WHY I haven't run since:

Guess who got a stress fracture from her half marathon? I have to wear a boot for 4 weeks. You guessed it. Running helped me. It helped me with my anxiety. It also gave me confidence. Obviously, this half marathon caused me to give myself a bit of an injury. That isn't good. I don't know if running is my personal fitness path, but I really enjoy being active. I hope to find some other things (maybe running will be included, just not the main source) to help me stay active. I am a firm believer that being active and exercising can help with anxiety and depression! (Any suggestions on how to live a healthy, active lifestyle? I would love to hear it!)

Anxiety & Depression: Girls Camp Challenge Course

I recently returned from Girls Camp. (Girls Camp is where LDS girls ages 12-18 go with their church leaders camping. There are fun things, spiritual experiences, etc. This was my first time going to Girl's Camp as a leader.)

One of the activities we did at Girls Camp was a Challenge Course. It consisted of climbing a rope ladder about 30-40 feet up, walking across a rickety bridge, and then zip lining to the ground again. While doing this, you are wearing a harness and helmet. There were couple missionaries who helped the girls through the entire course. It was 100% safe. If a girl were to lose her balance and fall, she would fall about 1 inch before she was caught. When girls would get nervous or scared, we would reassure them. "You aren't going to get hurt." "They have you." "If you fall, they will catch you." "You are in no danger."

Even though we reassured the girls, there were still some who struggled. When I did the course myself, I had to continue to tell myself that I could not fall. They had me. I was completely secure...Even though I KNEW this, it was still so scary! It took a lot of faith and trust to get through that course! I "randomly" found this quote a few hours after doing the challenge course. Right when I read it, it reminded me of the course I had completed and watched others complete just a few hours earlier.  

"The Savior said, 'Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you...Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid' (John 14:27). I submit to you, that may be one of the Savior's commandments that is, even in the hearts of otherwise faithful Latter-day Saints, almost universally disobeyed; and yet I wonder whether our resistance to this invitation could be any more grievous to the Lord's merciful heart. I can tell you this as a parent: as concerned as I would be if somewhere in their lives one of my children were seriously troubled or unhappy or disobedient, nevertheless I would be infinitely more devastated if I felt that at such a time that child could not trust me to help or thought his or her interest was unimportant to me or unsafe in my care. In that same spirit, I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when He finds that His people do not feel confident in His care of secure in His hands or trust in His commandments" -Jeffrey R. Holland ("Come Unto Me," Ensign, Apr. 1998, 19).

The missionaries running the course reassured us several times that the course was completely safe. When I was on the route, I had to decide if I was going to trust them, the others I had seen safely (and securely) cross the course, and others assuring me OR if I was going to believe the pounding fear in my mind. I had to choose faith over fear.

There was one point when I was on the course when I felt like I wasn't very secure. It was when I was crossing the rickety bridge high off the ground. I started to walk across, and it felt like I could easily fall. I had to remind myself that the missionaries were at the bottom holding that rope that was attached to me. Even though I couldn't feel the tension at that moment, they were watching me and would catch me instantly if I fell.

The missionaries go to a great extent to ensure the safety of all those using the course. I would assume that when people (like myself) are choosing to listen to their fears, the missionaries may feel a little frustrated. Their top priority is safety, and at times we choose to believe that we are going to get hurt on the course.

Like the quote above says, we are told in the scriptures over and over again not to fear. God is watching over us. Sometimes we might think He isn't there or that He doesn't care about us. But, just like the missionaries helping me through the course, God is always there even thought I may not always feel or think He is.

Sometimes, I allow my anxiety and depression to overcome my faith. Similar to when I couldn't feel the tension in the rope, I allow myself to think that God isn't there or that He doesn't care. This couldn't be further from the truth. He is always there, He is holding the rope to keep me (and you!) from falling.

Anxiety & Depression: It's Okay to Have a Bad Day

Call me a slow learner, but I had a realization the other day. I was struggling a little bit the other day and, of course, I was feeling guilty that I was feeling a bit down. Then, I thought to myself, "It's okay to be sad sometimes." This isn't an excuse to look at the glass half-empty, or to be a grump, but it is okay if you have a day you don't feel exactly like yourself. Everyone has days when they are excited to go to bed so they can forget about today and start with a fresh tomorrow. When you are feeling down, try to not feel guilty about it, and look forward to the many good days to come.

Anxiety & Depression: "This Might Be Possible"

A few thoughts I've had lately:

Thought 1: Recently, I've been running. My husband and I are signed up to run a half marathon in July. (Disclaimer: I would NEVER have considered myself a "runner." Don't think I'm totally awesome, if you don't run, I was where you were just a few short months ago.) I've had a lot of ups and downs as I have been training for this half marathon.

Thought 2: Changing gears a little (but I'll tie it back...). Have you seen Disney's movie, "National Treasure"? It is a family favorite of ours. Near the beginning of the movie, Ben Gates decides that in order to do his property duty to his country, America, he needs to steal the Declaration of Independence. (It sounds a little fishy here, but it all makes sense in the movie). His friend Riley spends a lot of time listing off to Ben why this is impossible. He talks about the extensive security when the document is on and off of display, guards, etc. Ben points out that there can be a million reasons why it won't work, but you only need one way to make it work. He knows that one way to make it work. When he explains his plan, Riley says, "This might be possible." Ben responds, "It might."

Back to Thought 1: When I started running, I'll try not to be too dramatic here, I wanted to die (not too dramatic...right?). I would go one mile, have a side ache, only be thinking of quitting the whole time, and wish I was at home eating ice cream (I often wish that). I would almost want to laugh (or cry) at myself for thinking that I could actually train for a half marathon. "I can barely go one mile, how am I going to go 13.1!?"

Combining thoughts 1 & 2: For some reason, I kept running. After a while, it got a little easier. (Easier, not easy.) One day, I ran 5 miles! Then 6! About a week and a half ago, Jordan and I ran EIGHT miles. Eight! I had never run that far in my life. I remember at one point thinking, "This half marathon might be possible." (Emphasis on the might). I'm still not quite there, but something that once seemed absolutely impossible, now seems like it might be possible.

Thought 3: I've had similar moments with my anxiety. Sometimes, anxiety and depression make me feel like life is terrible. Every task, even as small as brushing my teeth, seems monumental. But, during these times, there are glimpses of hope. The moments when I think, "I can probably get through this. It might be possible." Even though it may sound like a small amount of hope, when you have been deep in the holds of depression and anxiety, this small amount of hope is incredible.

You could think of MILLIONS of reason why life stinks and why you should just live in your pit of depression and anxiety. I could list off reasons why we should just throw in the towel and bury our heads in the sand. BUT, I could also list MILLIONS of more reasons why life is wonderful. The truth is, even though there are millions of things to be depressed and anxious about, you only need one reason to believe that getting through your anxious and depressing moments might be possible. (Spoiler: It is possible!)

Thought 4: One more movie quote, from "Love Comes Softly." A young girl in the movie asks her father if the woman he recently married is okay. (She had recently been widowed and basically married him because it made sense to both of them. He needed a mother for his daughter, and she needed a provider.) When she asks, he responds, "No, but she's going to be."

Sometimes you need to admit that right at this moment, you aren't okay. But, you are going to be. I guess that is how faith works. Even if life is hard right now, remember and have faith that even if you aren't okay right now, you're going to be. You only need one reason to keep trying and to live life to its fullest.

Anxiety and Depression: A Note to Loved Ones...

If you have anxiety and/or depression and you are reading this blog, I hope you feel like you can connect, in some way, to my experiences and the experiences of others shared here. If you are reading and you haven't experienced the feelings and thoughts that anxiety and depression bring...you might be a little confused, skeptical, worried, afraid etc. That is okay. Until I experienced it for myself, I was extremely confused. I didn't understand why my loved ones were struggling. Why couldn't they just "get over it?"

Here are just a few thoughts for those who may not experience anxiety and depression, but have loved ones who do.

This is a start, but I would love to write more posts on this subject.

If you have anxiety/depression, what support do you need from a loved one? Or, what do you hope they will try to understand?

If you are a loved one to someone with anxiety/depression, how do you make an effort to love them?

Anxiety & Depression: Stephanie's Story: Part 1

There are so many people who deal with anxiety and depression. Below is the story of a friend of mine, in her own words. (Names have been changed). After this friend of mine read some of this blog, she sent me her story. I was amazed. I had NO idea she had been through these experiences. Below you will find just part of her story. Watch for more!

"My depression/Anxiety began to affect me in Jr. high – and would continue untreated and unexplained into High School. At the times my sufferings/symptoms included uncontrollable emotionless feelings – which led to me having “tantrums” (Which was explained later to me that I was trying to feel some sort of emotion, ANY emotion would be fine – and it’s easiest to create angry, hostile emotions than it is to create happy ones.) When I say tantrums I mean sobbing that isn’t able to be stopped, or I wouldn’t eat, or I would sleep for hours or I would tense up so badly that my fists would go white and I’d pierce the palms of my hands with my finger tips without realizing the pain. (Later called: Emotional black outs). At the time, my family didn’t understand what was happening, my dad thought I was an emotional teenager, my mom said I just needed to not take things so seriously.  I began doing research after I had read a segment on depression in a health book. I began begging my mom to take me to a therapist, I told her something was wrong with me and I needed help. She refused time and time again. Finally- One day (Around 16 years old) I came home (in the middle of an emotional blackout) unable to stable myself – I was sobbing and numb and I then stopped breathing… My mom held me to her and stroked my hair and repeatedly whispered in my ear – “feel me breathe, copy my breath, feel me breathe, copy my breath.” I was able to steady myself, focusing on her breathe allow my mind to remember to breath. I told her to help me – and she agreed.

Finding a therapist wasn’t easy – we went to several offices trying to find the right one. One lady was way too pushy, and another one seemed to not really care what I was saying – one therapist even asked my mom more questions than she was asking me. A few appointments later I met my therapist who saved me – his name is Spencer. Through many, many therapy sessions we dug and dug into my mind and started to find some underlying problems to what was causing my anxiety – which then in turn became depression. One of the biggest things was that I was a perfectionist. If things didn’t go exactly prefect or if I didn’t do 100% amazing on something it destroyed me inside, but because I didn’t know how to talk about it or let it out it became a huge black spot inside of me that just grew and grew until it actually ate me whole and I couldn’t do anything. It took away my ability to feel emotion – which is by far worse than feeling an emotion. When someone asks you “what is wrong”, you answer, “I don’t know” – then they ask “well what do you feel?” and you answer, “I honestly don’t know that either.” Those people asking the questions are often offended that you won’t open up to them, but you can’t truly understand that until you feel what being emotionless feels like. Spencer taught me to understand that I wasn’t an angry and hostile person that was just the only way I could cry for help from beneath the black shadow. He told me that I was stronger than the blackness and that now that my mom and family knew what the problem was it would be a lot easier to fight him. Simply knowing that this “black shadow” had a label I could then begin to make tangible goals for moving towards the future.

Things started to become better – I could talk myself through things, and I was able to go through the days breathing and not having the need to break down. I began feeling emotions again. I had forgotten how good it felt to be excited for something, or feel like something was worth doing. When I was younger I used to sing all the time to every song on the radio – as I began to come out of my shell and out from behind the darkness I heard myself singing and realized that it was an unfamiliar sound – And I vowed to myself that I would never stop singing again." 

Thanks to my dear friend, "Stephanie." Watch for more parts to her story.

Are you interested in sharing your story? Email me here: chelseaapeart@gmail.com

Our BRIGHT Blue Wall...Continued: Yes, that is a Princess Castle in my Interior Decorating

When Jordan asked me what I wanted for my graduation present, I showed him this: 

Doesn't that look magical!? I love toys. Seriously. I thought I would grow out of Toys R Us and the Disney store around age...I don't know...10? 14? 16? Well, I still haven't grown out of it folks.

Well, Jordan has gotten used to my silly wishes, and he got it for me. After I had SO much fun building it, I didn't want to just stick it in a closet or something. So, it has been incorporated into our decor. Yes. In the front room against the bright blue wall. It's totally awesome.

It is on a small shelf that we keep our Blu-ray player and such on. It used to be black, but I painted it white. (I know, it was a little scary). On the other side of the shelf top is this:

Yes, that is a jar of sprinkles. Why? I love sprinkles. They are colorful and happy.

I got the America "My Home Sweet Home" sign from Hobby Lobby. I loved it right when I saw it.

The temple is special for many reasons. This particular statue of the temple was right on top of our wedding cake. I loved finding a special place to keep it in our house.

**Random side note about our wedding cake that applies to my celiac disease: About six months after our wedding, something happened to our freezer. This caused the top of our cake which we had saved to be gross and it needed to be thrown away. I was a little sad about it. People would tell me, "It's okay, you just take a bite, it tastes like the freezer and then you throw it away." I would think, "I know! But, I want to have that experience!" ;) Well, anyway, it was a few months before our 1st anniversary that I found out I had celiac disease. So, I wouldn't have been able to eat the cake anyway. Turns out it was a blessing in disguise that we had to throw it away earlier!**

Sometimes I wonder what people think when they see our front room. Are those sprinkles in a jar? Yes. Yes, those are sprinkles in a jar and yes, that is a Lego Princess castle.

Again, what does this have to do with my anxiety/depression blog? I am striving to fill my home with things that make me smile. I am striving to make my home a happy place for myself, Jordan, and others.

Again thanks to this blog for inspiring me to be fearless in decorating.

To read more about our blue wall, click here.