Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. I'm not over anxiety and depression, so how can I blog like I know it all? I hope you don't think I know it all, or that I never struggle anymore.
The truth is, I kind of gave into my anxiety the other day. At least that's how I felt until I heard a talk the today. Here's the story:
I was asked to got on a pioneer trek with the youth of my church. I accepted the invitation.
Then, the anxiety started.
I know it sounds silly, but I was terrified. I went on a trek when I was 17, and I had a great experience. I kept talking myself into it, saying I could do it.
I worried about being away from Jordan (he is my rock). I was also worried about my diet. Would I have enough to eat? Who would I be spending time with out there? Who would be in my tent? (Tent. I hate to admit it, but that is another source of anxiety! I wish I was a camping person, but I've come to accept the fact that I am not.)
The truth is, these thoughts were irrational. I knew I would be more than taken care of. The leaders of the trek have one priority: keeping everyone safe. I knew I would be fine if I were to go. I knew they would work things out with my diet. I knew that I could make it.
I also knew I would make myself sick with worry for 6 months until I went.
I talked with Jordan about it and I prayed. I currently have a bit on my plate with my new job, my church calling, housekeeping, school, etc. Was it healthy to have this load on top of that?
We went to a fireside last Sunday that was about trek. They talked about everything that would be happening. At that time, I was seriously considering that I may not be able to go. As the fireside continued something interesting happened. I felt peaceful, but not in the way I expected. I felt peaceful about saying I couldn't go. I felt like the Lord understood.
Could I have done it? With God's help, absolutely. But, I truly felt He didn't expect it from me at this time. I felt like He understood that I needed that extra pressure off at this time.
So, we let them know I actually wouldn't be able to make it after all. At first, I was a bit disappointed in myself. I let my anxiety win. Bummer. Then I realized, I really hadn't. I had anxiety about it, but that wasn't the deciding factor. The deciding factor was the peace I felt about saying no. I felt God was okay with that decision. I hadn't lost, I had made a decision with God's help.
I just got back from a conference called Time Out for Women. It is an LDS conference with speakers, musical numbers, etc. It's a lot of fun! One of the speakers said something that really hit me. The speaker was Kris Belcher (she is so awesome). She said something like this,
"Sometimes we need to say, 'I can't,' not in a giving up way, but in a discerning way."