April Came!!

Remember this post? Well, guess what...APRIL CAME!! April 25th to be exact. On Friday, I graduated from College! It is still a little surreal, and it was a beautiful day. As Jordan and I were driving to campus to head to commencement, I started thinking about the hundreds of times I drove to the University. My mind wandered to my Freshman year. I didn't have much of a clue about what was going on. I remember a counselor asking me, "Do you want to take just 12 credit hours? That is pretty common for those just starting out." I said yes, but didn't have a clue what "12 credit hours" meant. My awesome brother-in-law took me up to the school a few weeks before class started and helped me get my textbooks and student ID card. My sister's friend escorted me to my first class, US History.

I used to carpool with some of my best friends from High School, and because of me, we were usually running a few minutes late. The semester I had a 7:30 class was a bit rough (I'm not always what you would call a morning person). I remember buying books, turning in assignments, waiting for grades to come back, and hoping that reading the first page of the chapter would be enough to pass the quiz (I love reading, I hate reading textbooks). I walked on ice, searched for parking spots, ran to not be late, wrote a letter to parking services about an undeserved ticket, and cringed when paying tuition.

I remember the hardest semester of my life, it was during my sophomore year. I was being overcome by my anxiety and depression. There were times when I would lay my head down on my desk and cry quietly, hoping no one would see or hear me. I felt like my life was going to go absolutely no where. I felt literally damned, like I was up against a brick wall and the water was rising. Did it make sense? No. Did it seem real? Absolutely.

On the flip side, I made some incredible friends through college. There were many I met before I entered the Special Education program, and others I spent time with the two years in the program. These are people I want to keep in contact with for a long, long time. We shared frustrations, teaching ideas, funny stories, and advice. I attended religious classes at the LDS Institute, and gladly welcomed the treats they had there.

Thinking back, I realize how hard it was at times. I can't lie, College caused me some tears, but it was worth it. I guess I always knew it would be, sometimes it was just very hard to see it. At graduation, I thought about the times I had joked (semi-seriously) that I was going to give up and drop out. I am SO grateful I didn't. I seriously learned so much, and I am now working in a position that I really enjoy.

I know I didn't achieve this goal alone. I had the support of my family, friends, husband, and God.

Anxiety & Depression: What Do You Have to Say?

 

Lately, it has been a little bit crazy. GRADUATION IS NEXT WEEK! I can barely believe it! The last few days have consisted of working on my last 3 major assignments that are due. It has been a bit stressful, but not too bad! When I think back on my College career, I get a little bit tired. But, I wouldn't change it at all. I can't wait to not have homework or worry about an exam that is coming up. I can almost taste the freedom...I'm so excited!!

On a slightly different note, I've had a thought for the last little while. Anxiety and depression is a crazy thing. Different people experience it in different ways. If you have a story or advice you would like to share, I would love to give you the opportunity. If not for anything else, for yourself. Writing about your struggles can give you insights you never knew before. It can help you feel strong. If you feel it is appropriate, email me your thoughts, stories, experiences, etc. with anxiety and depression. I would love to have some posts on my blog that are written by other people! You can absolutely choose to remain annonymous if you would like. Just think about it. If you feel the desire, I would love to hear your words.

Just think about it.

Email me here:
chelseaapeart@gmail.com

General Conference April 2014

Photo courtesy of LDS.org

Every 6 months, the LDS church has a conference. The conference is held in the Conference Center in Salt Lake City, but it is broadcast all throughout the world and translated into several different languages. When I was a kid, I really like the conference because my mom and dad made it fun. They had us cut out pictures of what the speakers were talking about. If they talked about love, we would cut out a heart, if they talked about the scriptures, we would cut out a picture of a book, etc. As I got older, my notes contained less and less pictures, and more and more words. Conference weekend has turned into a special time for me and many members of the LDS church. It is a time to spend with family and learn together.

Six months ago, Elder Holland gave his talk about anxiety and depression. That talk has been a life line for me in my struggle with anxiety and depression. I remember listening to that talk and being glued to the TV. I am excited to hear what the Prophets and Apostles have to tell us this conference. Whether the talks apply to me generally or specifically, it is always a wonderful weekend.

Whether you watch Conference every 6 months, have watched it a few times, or have never watched, I would invite you to tune in and see what is said that applies to you.

To learn more about General Conference, click here.

Anxiety: I am Flawed

I had a realization the other day...I am flawed. There are some things I don't do very well. My bathroom is a mess most the time (bobby pins, contact cases, q-tips, toothpaste, you name it!), I don't sweep my kitchen floor as often as I should, and my husband finds my colorful-looks-like-a-six-year-old-should-be-wearing-them socks...everywhere. Sometimes I am a good cook, but it is often that I have to turn on the fan above the oven because something boiled over. I procrastinate a lot. I am slow to respond to text messages (ask my family, friends, and visiting teaching companion). Sometimes I look at my phone when people are talking to me (I'm working on it!) and I am often a few minutes late to functions. I am very forgetful sometimes.

My flaws are things that I think about often. "I didn't put that dish in the dishwasher," "I haven't vacuumed for a while," "We have had tacos for dinner three times in the last two weeks."

Anxiety/Depression gives me some flaws. Sometimes I need a few minutes to relax before I feel like I can handle life again. Sometimes I get really down on myself. Sometimes I don't think about others as much as I should.

As a teacher, you are constantly picking out things you aren't doing as well as you think you should. "I should've taught this better," "I should've made sure Sammy was understanding that concept," "I forgot to put those grades in the computer!" (This happens to me more often than I would like to admit).

Then, I had another realization. My flaws and imperfections make me who I am.

My bathroom is a mess because I usually go to bed late (because I want to hang out with Jordan, read, blog, etc.) so I sleep in until the last possible second in the mornings. This causes a rushed morning. This means, when I get ready, there is only time to get ready. There is no time to clean up the mess that getting ready makes!

Sometimes the food I make boils over or burns, but I am learning!

I can laugh with my friends and family about my forgetfulness.

I am not a perfect teacher, but hey, my students are learning things! And, more importantly, they know I care about them.

My house isn't always ready to be on display in the "Museum of Cleanliness," but it is a beautiful home, that I strive to keep tidy, where I hope people feel comfortable.

Having an imperfect life helps me laugh and relate to others.

So, the next time your anxiety or depression is reminding you of all your flaws, remember, they are what make you, you!

Our BRIGHT Blue Wall

Remember my goal to decorate my family room? Well, the process is going pretty well! After looking at this DIY blog, I was encouraged to be fearless in my decorating. So, my wall really speaks who I am.
First, we painted the wall BRIGHT blue. It's awesome. Next, I decided to add some things that make me happy...

• I got the cute umbrella printable on this blog. It says the classic quote, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I LOVE rain. And, I love the quote. Win-win! 
• I got the cute "Love You" printable from this blog. (What would I do without pinterest!?)
• The America printable came from this blog (are you tired of links yet? I hope not! I just want to give credit where credit is due!) When I was thinking of things to hang up, I really wanted something that expressed my love for America. I feel so blessed to live in this country and I pray God will bless it. (and I know He does!)
• Elsa and "Let it Go." I know some people are sick of this movie/song, but I don't think I ever will be. I found so much in the movie that I love and wanted it displayed somehow in my home. "Let it Go" for me is sort of like a personal anthem. (Read about it here.)
• The little bird on the bottom left is actually a thank you card from Trader Joe's. I thought it was darling (and I have some other birds in my decorating...some people mock me...but I like them!) .
• The cute Minnie and Mickey cartoon says, "You make me happy." It is a really sweet drawing, and it makes me think of Jordan.
• Last, but not least...what is that big square in the middle? It is a map of Disneyland, with our tickets on the side. I love Disneyland! When we went there with my family, we had a blast. I thought this was one way to help me remember what a fun time we had as a family. 

Now you might be thinking, "This is an anxiety/depression blog, not an interior design blog! What does this have to do with anything?" Well, I want my room to be filled with things that make me happy. These are some of the simple things that bring a smile to my face and help me feel less anxious about life. They remind me to be happy and to not take life too seriously. So, I guess I would just encourage you to surround yourself with things that bring a smile to your face, even if they are a bit out of the ordinary.

Music and Anxiety: "I Can't Listen to that Song!"

Whenever I hear Phil Collins, I am six years old again, dancing to my dad's favorite song. I remember the song that was on the radio the first time a dumb boy made me cry.  I can still sing every word to the Backstreet Boys "Millenium" CD that was so very cool in the 90s. I rememebr the first time I heard my favorite song and how it made me feel. I remember the songs I listened to that made me think of Jordan when I was falling in love with him.

I am amazed by how our minds and memories respond to music. We can listen to a song we haven't heard for years and still have every song, harmony, verse, and bridge memorized. A certain song can take you back to High School, childhood, or Christmas morning. It can bring back thoughts and feelings you had forgotten. It can bring up intense feelings of happiness or spirituality.

So many songs bring happy memories, but there are also songs that may do the opposite. There are a few songs that I will change when they come on the radio or up on my iPod. These are songs that I listened to when I was very depressed. The songs themselves aren't necessarily depressing, but they were songs I listened to frequently when I was struggling so much. Right when I hear these songs, I start to have feelings of anxiety, because that is how I felt when I used to listen to them.

I remember when one of my sisters was going through a hard time, and we were listening to a CD together. She had me skip almost every song because of things she associated with them. I didn't understand it then, I thought she was so silly. Why couldn't we listen to these songs? Now, I totally get it.

The other day, a song I have a hard time listening to came on the radio. I have skipped over it countless times before, simply choosing to avoid it. The song has nothing to do with being sad or depressed, it is actually a love song, but, since I listened to it so much when I was feeling so low, that is what my mind associates it with. When it came on the other day, I went to switch it, like I have so many times before, but then I thought, "No, I can listen to this song. It's a good one." As I drove, I listened. It was hard at first, but as I continued listening, I remembered why I liked the song so much. It is a really touching piece of music.

It may sound silly, but I felt a little victorious as the song came to an end. I listened! I listened to it all the way through, for the first time in a long time.

How to Help a Loved One Going Through a Panic Attack...

We all have panic attacks at one time or another. We may sleep through our alarm and wake up 5 minutes after we were supposed to be somewhere, or we lost our debit card somewhere between the store and home. At these times our heart may speed up and our palms may get sweaty.

There may be times, though, that you or a loved one has a severe panic attack. These are over things much greater than being late or your debit card. These are over things that someone has made so big in their mind (usually thanks to anxiety and/or depression) that there is an absence of all things good. There are many symptoms, some of which may be: heavy (or shallow) breathing, sobbing, shaking, feelings of absolute helplessness, tight muscles, feeling 'outside of yourself,' etc. In my experience, it has felt like I am in a deep, dark hole and I don't think I am ever coming out. It feels like I am doomed and there is nothing I can do about it. It feels like the complete absence of hope and the only thing I can do is cry. If you or a loved one has experienced this, you know that we all experience them a little differently, but I think we can all agree they are not easy to go through.

When a loved one is feeling the stress and fatigue of anxiety, you may have no idea who to do. What can you say to make it better? How can you get them out of that dark place? The truth is, the only thing you really need to do is be there. I found an example of this in the book, "The Princess Bride." This particular part was left out of the movie, but if you have seen the movie, you will understand when it happens (how convenient!).

Buttercup and Westley are traveling through the dreaded Fire Swamp which has three things that are major issues: the snow sand, the R.O.U.S.'s, and the fire spurts. In this scene Buttercup gets trapped in the snow sand which drags her under before she can even scream. Westley, being awesome, quickly ties a vine to a tree and heroically dives in after her. After a few minutes of an awful and blind search, he finally finds her (a little bit earlier he thought he had found her, but turns out, it was a skeleton. Gross.). They miraculously get out of the sand and Buttercup eventually "comes to." It is then that her panic hits. She is (understandably) unable to control her emotions, the book states:

"'No need-' [Westley] was going to say 'No need for worry,' but her panic struck too quickly. It was a normal enough reaction, and he did not try to block it but, rather, held her firmly and let the hysteria run its course. She shuddered for a time as if she fully intended to fly apart. But that was the worst. From there, it was but a few minutes to quiet sobbing. Then she was Buttercup again."

I haven't been rescued from snow sand, or trekked through a fire swamp, but I have felt similar things as to what Buttercup goes through in this section. I love what Westley does, he just holds her. He holds her while she shakes and cries. He holds her even when it seems like she is going to "fly apart." He holds her while she calms down, and eventually, she is "Buttercup again." I loved how the author wrote this. When I have been in a panic attack, I am not Chelsea. After a panic attack, there have been times I have opened my eyes and thought, "I'm back."

Jordan is the most patient man in the world. He has had to, at times, simply hold me, sit by me, comfort me, etc. until I am myself again. Having him there makes all the difference in the world. He doesn't need to say anything, he just needs to be there until I come out of the deep, dark hole.

If you have a loved one who goes through panic attacks. Just be there for them. If it is a child or spouse, hold them while they cry. If it is a friend, hold them or sit next to them while they come out of their struggle. Pat their back, and tell them everything is going to be okay. Just let them know you are there. That will make all the difference in the world.

So, what can you do to help your loved one going through a panic attack? Just be there. See them through it. When they come back to being themselves, they will be more than grateful to yo



PS, Have you or a loved one had a serious panic attack? What got you (or them) through? I would love to hear about it in the comments or a message! <3