Don't Forget About Me

This week was good, but also had anxiety sneaking in on the edges. A few evenings ago, I got upset about something my husband, Jordan, said. I knew he had in no way meant to upset me or hurt my feelings, and I didn't know how to handle the situation. My brain became cloudy, the cloud that takes sense away from my head and tells me I am not worth much. He could see that I was upset and that I wasn't able to talk about it for the moment. He had to leave for work, (about a dozen or so times a year he works a night job) so he kissed me and told me he loved me.
After he left, I fell apart. I cried and cried. I felt frustrated that I couldn't control my emotions better, upset that I was so flustered by such a small thing, and felt my self-esteem, confidence, and hope sink to the floor. I prayed that the Lord could send me some comfort and cried a little more. Then I had an idea to write Jordan a letter. It made sense, so I poured out my soul on one and a half sheets of college ruled paper. I told him what had upset me and why. I explained some of what was going on in my head and why I was unable to talk about it when he had left. I expressed my love for him. When I finished writing the letter, I felt so much better. It cleared my head. I was grateful I could put my emotions on paper and find a way to help Jordan understand me a little bit better.
Soon after I finished the letter, I received a text from him that said, "Don't forget about me while I am gone!" When he got home I was so happy to see him and he read my letter. We were able to talk about it and get everything resolved. Even though I had gone through a slight panic attack, I was so proud that, with some help from above, I was able to pull through it and get back on my feet. I am grateful for my Jordan and his patience with me and my anxiety.

Learning Day by Day

Even though anxiety can be so awful, it has taught me so much. It has made me more tender and understanding towards others. A few months ago, I was walking on my College's campus. I was walking just a few steps behind someone who was smoking. I didn't notice this until I inhaled and felt a huge amount of smoke enter my lungs. I have smelled smoke many times, but this time I got a face full and more than I had ever inhaled at one time. A year or two earlier, my thoughts probably would have been something like this, "Who is this guy? Doesn't he know smoking is bad for you? How rude is he to be smoking around other people! Idiot!" I may have even shot the man a dirty look as I passed him on my way to class. But, on this day, I didn't really think those things or give the man a dirty look. Instead, I wondered who this man was and the story of his life. It could be assumed by his outward appearance that he had had a hard life so far. I have no idea what his personal battles and struggles are. All I know is that God loves him, and that is enough. What my anxiety has taught me is that everyone deserves our respect.

Personal Best

One of my favorite quotes is from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, "The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him," (to read the whole talk click here). I love this quote because it tells us to do our best. I have had  many times when I have felt overwhelmed and full of anxiety. I have thought about all the things I am not doing, all the things I could improve, all the things I am not very good at, and the list goes on. This quote hung in my room for months reminding me that all the Lord expects is my best. My personal best, and He will take care of the rest.

I Really Am

After months of battling anxiety, I remember one day when someone asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Good." I had answered this question half-heartedly many times in the previous months. After this particular response I thought to myself,

"I really am, I am doing good."

What a sweet moment that was.

New Job

Holy Hannah. Today was my first official day at my new job. I've been excited, but also very anxious about it. This morning I woke up and could feel the anxiety in my legs. I just kept breathing and told myself I was going to be fine. Jordan prayed last night that I would do well at my new job and be able to be myself. When he left for work this morning I almost wanted to start crying, but I got into my car and drove to work. When I got there, everything went really well. There were a few times I had to tell myself, "Just breathe, you're fine," but overall, it was a very successful day. I am grateful for the new people I get to work with and the new experiences I will have. Tomorrow is day two, and I think it will be a good day!

Big Weekend

This past weekend, my sister got married! Due to this, we were surrounded with family and friends and the family and friends of my sister's new husband. A few months ago, that may have been too much for me to handle. I can't really explain it, because I have always loved people, (especially family and friends) but my anxiety can make me feel extremely afraid and uncomfortable in big groups of people. This past weekend could've been really hard, but it wasn't. It was wonderful and memorable. I was able to talk with people, laugh, and joke. It was wonderful to witness a sealing (the first one I have seen since my own!) in the Salt Lake Temple. It felt wonderful. There have been times when I have had to pretend I was having a good time because of my anxiety, but last weekend, I didn't have to do that. I told my husband, "I wasn't faking it!" It felt wonderful to talk with dozens of people, run around the reception trying to make sure things were going okay, hugging people I hadn't seen for a while, dancing along with the bride to "Dynamite" and "The Cupid Shuffle," and just enjoying the day. I am not "over" my anxiety, but I am learning I can live with it and still be me.

Broken Garage Door from Heaven

For a long time before we were married, Jordan was the only one I would talk to about my anxiety. He encouraged me to open up about to my family. Especially my mom and sister. After a little while, and after talking to Jordan, I felt it would be a good decision to talk to a doctor about it. I talked to my mom and she said she would call a doctor that she has been to that she really respects and trusts. I was scared, but also ready to receive some medical help. My mom called and said that they would probably be able to get me in the next week. Around a day or two later, I was feeling very anxious and was wishing I could get to the doctor sooner. I woke up and decided to say a prayer. I prayed that, if possible, I would be able to get to the doctor sooner than next week and also that I would be able to talk to Jordan somehow soon. A few minutes after I prayed, I heard our home phone ring. My mom answered. A few minutes later, she called up the stairs to me and told me they could get me in earlier. What!? A few minutes after that, my cell phone started to ring. It was Jordan. What!? He called and was headed to work late because his garage door had broken. God had time to help me with these small things I was in need of. When I told Jordan this story, he jokingly said, “Oh, so it’s your fault that my garage door broke?”    

Happy Girl

These lyrics touched my heart today,

"I used to live in a darkened room
Had a face of stone and a heart of gloom
Lost my hope, I was so far gone.
Cryin' all my tears with the curtains drawn.
I didn't know until my soul broke free,
I've got these angels watching over me.
...
I used to hide in a party crowd
Bottled up inside feeling so left out
Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes
With my frozen smile and my lighted fuse.
Now every time I start to feel like that,
I roll my heart out like a welcome mat.
...
Laugh when I feel like it,
Cry when I feel like it
That's how my life is, that's how it goes.
....
Oh, watch me go, I'm a happy girl.
Everybody knows
that the sweetest thing that you'll ever see
in the whole wide world
is a happy girl."

-Martina McBride, "Happy Girl."

I've had angels watching over me, learned to let myself laugh and cry, and I am trying to learn to "roll my heart out like a welcome mat." I am a Happy Girl.

Remembering September 11, 2001

God Bless America!

Breathe

I think about a million times a day….It’s okay Chelsea, just…..

“Breathe in….and breathe out….in….and out….”

                 And, you know what? Everything is going to be great!

How Can I Help My Loved One?

Everyone who has anxiety/depression experiences it a little bit differently. If you have a loved one with anxiety/depression it might be hard to know how to help them. I have found the things that have helped me are support, love, understanding, and conversation. When I am having a hard day, the best thing for Jordan to do is simply be there for me. Just holding me for a minute, giving me a kiss, or telling me he loves me and everything is going to be okay does a world of difference. He shows me he understands by being patient and not judging me. The truth is, he can't just make it disappear, but he can help me to work through it and feel happy and rejuvenated again. There have been days when I was so upset and Jordan felt like he didn't know what to do. On one particular day, he said, "Do you want to go visit your mom?" I said yes, so he drove me to my mom's and sat and talked with my dad while I was able to talk with my mom about things going on in my head. Jordan was able to recognize I needed to talk to my mom on that day. I am so grateful for his sensitivity and love.
The best advice I can give to someone who has a loved one who is suffering from anxiety/depression is to simply love the person and let them know you do. Just being there for them can make a world of difference. Lovingly tell them that you are not going to give up on them and they are going to be okay.