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Anxiety: Sometimes it's Okay to Say No

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. I'm not over anxiety and depression, so how can I blog like I know it all? I hope you don't think I know it all, or that I never struggle anymore.

The truth is, I kind of gave into my anxiety the other day. At least that's how I felt until I heard a talk the today. Here's the story:

I was asked to got on a pioneer trek with the youth of my church. I accepted the invitation.

Then, the anxiety started.

I know it sounds silly, but I was terrified. I went on a trek when I was 17, and I had a great experience. I kept talking myself into it, saying I could do it.

I worried about being away from Jordan (he is my rock). I was also worried about my diet. Would I have enough to eat? Who would I be spending time with out there? Who would be in my tent? (Tent. I hate to admit it, but that is another source of anxiety! I wish I was a camping person, but I've come to accept the fact that I am not.)

The truth is, these thoughts were irrational. I knew I would be more than taken care of. The leaders of the trek have one priority: keeping everyone safe. I knew I would be fine if I were to go. I knew they would work things out with my diet. I knew that I could make it.

I also knew I would make myself sick with worry for 6 months until I went.

I talked with Jordan about it and I prayed. I currently have a bit on my plate with my new job, my church calling, housekeeping, school, etc. Was it healthy to have this load on top of that?

We went to a fireside last Sunday that was about trek. They talked about everything that would be happening. At that time, I was seriously considering that I may not be able to go. As the fireside continued something interesting happened. I felt peaceful, but not in the way I expected. I felt peaceful about saying I couldn't go. I felt like the Lord understood.

Could I have done it? With God's help, absolutely. But, I truly felt He didn't expect it from me at this time. I felt like He understood that I  needed that extra pressure off at this time.

So, we let them know I actually wouldn't be able to make it after all. At first, I was a bit disappointed in myself. I let my anxiety win. Bummer. Then I realized, I really hadn't. I had anxiety about it, but that wasn't the deciding factor. The deciding factor was the peace I felt about saying no. I felt God was okay with that decision. I hadn't lost, I had made a decision with God's help.

I just got back from a conference called Time Out for Women. It is an LDS conference with speakers, musical numbers, etc. It's a lot of fun! One of the speakers said something that really hit me. The speaker was Kris Belcher (she is so awesome). She said something like this,

"Sometimes we need to say, 'I can't,' not in a giving up way, but in a discerning way." 

This really struck home with me. At this time, I can't go on trek. It is too much for my mind to handle. I didn't decide not to go because I am weak or I am giving in to my anxiety, but because I made a decision (with God's help) that it was a good idea for me to stay home. I discerned (is that a word?). I am so grateful for these wise words and for God's love and hand in my life.

"Like A Broken Vessel" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Part 4

I wanted to start this blog post with two quotes:

The first is from Elder Holland's talk:
"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

The second is a common inspirational quote:
"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."

I remember when I was deep in depression. I thought about the rope quote. I remember thinking, 'I've been hanging on for so long, I don't know if I can hang on much longer.' I remember praying and feeling like my words weren't leaving the room. Weeks later, I would think, 'I'm still hanging on this knot, barely.' It was hard. Even though it felt like my prayers weren't being answered, for some reason, I kept praying. Maybe it was because I have always been taught to pray, or because deep down, I knew He really was listening.

Sometimes I forget how much my Father in Heaven loves me. Elder Holland says He loves me (and you!) more than we can even comprehend. That is a lot! I think about the love I have for my family and friends, it is a huge amount of love. Heavenly Father loves me that much and infinitely more! That is hard for me to wrap my head around sometimes, but what a comfort it is! He loves me with a perfect love.

1 Nephi 11:17 says, "I know that He loveth His children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

We may not understand depression or other trials fully, but we know that God loves us.

Even when I thought He wasn't listening, He was there.

To read Elder Holland's full talk, please click here.

Read parts one, two, and three.

Keep It Simple!

At church today, we had a sweet older gentleman give a talk. One thing he said that stuck with me was...KISS...Keep it simple stupid! I'd heard it before, but I loved it. I wonder how many kids turned to their moms and said, "Did he just say stupid!?" It was funny, but I love that phrase. Keep it simple. How often do we add extra stress to our lives because we make them complicated? Sometimes we expect huge things from ourselves when we could just keep it simple. Later today, we went back in the evening for a trek fireside (it's another meeting that they sometimes hold after church...when I was a kid, I thought fire fighters were there). We are on a committee for trek, so we had a table set up for our ward (church group) youth to sign up for trek. They had asked us to make a sign to post on our table so that our youth knew which table they needed to go to (there were several different wards there). About two minutes before we left for the fireside, I used some markers and wrote our ward's name on a piece of printer paper with a note that said, "Sign up here!" Simple.

When we got there, some of the other tables had extremely elaborate signs. I was a little self conscious for a minute. My sign looked pretty pitiful compared to theirs. Then I realized, our signs were doing the exact same job, but mine had taken me about 10 seconds. It has been a crazy week, I didn't have time to make a beautiful sign. Also, I don't think they expected that. My sign did it's job perfectly.

Now, I know some people really enjoy making things like that, so I am not criticizing them. I am just saying that we shouldn't think that we HAVE to do things elaborately all the time. If you enjoy making a beautiful sign, go for it, but don't stress yourself out over it. A lot of my anxiety comes from expecting way too much from myself. Sometimes we may enjoy going above and beyond what is expected of us, but at other times, doing the bare minimum is completely acceptable.

Here are a few ways I try to keep it simple: (but I have to admit...sometimes I feel guilty about keeping it simple. I am going to try to stop that! Simple is not a bad thing!)

• My husband and I frequently eat off of paper plates. Does this make me a bad wife? I don't think so (although sometimes I worry about it). It does make it so I can spend more time with my husband instead of washing dishes. 
• I really am a little embarrassed about this one, I didn't send out thank you cards to everyone for our wedding gifts. (Does that make me an awful person!?) I am SO grateful for all of the gifts (people are so generous!), I just figured people look at the card for two seconds and then it goes in the trash. (I hope I don't get struck by lightning for this!)
• When one of my professors asks for a 4-6 page paper, I write 4. 
• When Jordan and I were over a large activity for our church, there wasn't any fluffy stuff. It was extremely successful, but I didn't worry about things such as decorations, pretty napkins, etc. My mind couldn't handle stuff like that! We had a wonderful time, and it was very simple. 
• In the Education program, a lot of people feel it is necessary to give cute little handouts when they do a class presentation. (Again, I'm not criticizing, some people love that stuff). When I do a presentation, sorry, but there aren't going to be any cutesy handouts!

When times get hard, remember to keep it simple! (And remember, you're not stupid!)

A sweet friend of mine who writes a blog wrote a post that was very similar to this subject. She talks about sometimes just needing a "Pajama Day." I totally agree, sometimes we just need a mental health day. Read her thoughts here.

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day!!

What Teaching High School Has Taught Me About God

As I have worked as a teacher in the High School for the last few weeks (I can't act like I'm a pro, it really has only been about 11 days...but, let's pretend it has been a few years), I have realized how concerned teachers are for their students. I work with some seniors, so the pressure is very high to help them graduate. I have been touched as I have watched the efforts of teachers to support students in their goals.

I think back to when I was in High School, and sometimes I felt like I was the only one in that school who cared if I graduated. There was actually a moment when I realized I was a credit short when graduation was near. I ended up doing some packets for the last class and was able to walk and graduate from High School. It seemed so fragile then, like if I made one slip up, I wouldn't graduate. I realized as I have watched teachers at work, that there would have been many people available to support and help me reach my goal of graduation if I were to have fallen behind.

As I thought about this, I couldn't help but think about God and His hand in our lives. I know that there are so many things I and other teachers do to help our students that they don't even realize we do. We talk about them in meetings, check on their grades, check if they are on track for graduation, email parents and teachers, gather missing assignments, and the list goes on. Today, I went through all of my students to see who was failing my class and why. I wanted to be able to pay special attention to them so I could help them succeed in my class. There are so many things we do to help them that is behind the scenes. They don't even realize we are working to help them.

I think God works the same way. Who knows how many accidents he has protected us from? How many trials has He kept us from having to go through? How many times has He forgiven us for mistakes we seem to keep making? He is always watching over us, ready to help.

I was driving in my car the other day thinking about this connection between a teacher and God. I remember thinking, He's been in my life everyday. Even the days I have thought He was far away, He was right there. Sometimes my anxiety/depression tries to tell me that God doesn't care. It tries to tell me He isn't listening. As I drove in my car that day, I felt His love. I knew that He has been there through every moment of my life, happy and sad. I knew He was aware of my struggles then, and He is aware of my struggles now. He is constantly checking up on me, paying attention to my sorrows, and celebrating my triumphs. He is aware of every thought and every worry. What a comfort that is.

He loves me and you. His goal is for us to be happy and come to live with Him again. He wants us to graduate from this life with honors.

I'm a High School Teacher?

Last week, I started work as a resource English teacher at a nearby High School. Accepting the job was a roller coaster! This is what I wrote to my family on our family Facebook page:

The tears had to do with the Junior High School that I left. I loved it there. Wonderful people and memories! It was very hard to leave. I felt like it was the right decision to take to High School job though. Also, I am teaching at my alma mater's major rival school, kind of crazy!

So far, it has been going well. After the first day, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. When I got home from working, I allowed myself to sit on the couch, watch TV, and turn my brain off. My mind needed the rest. The next day, I was ready to go again. I am taking things one day at a time, but I really am enjoying it. I work with great students and we are reading some awesome books. I am also working to help them with their writing skills. Resource classes have less students than general education classes, so I get to know my students really well. I felt really cool when I got to enter grades for the first time, I felt a little bit like I was still playing "teacher" as a little girl.

I actually get excited to go to work each day. It is a wonderful new adventure. I think I made the right career decision. I am excited to continue to learn and grow and become a better teacher.
I pray the Lord will continue to bless me as I work to be a productive and influential teacher.

Taken after my first day of teaching

Shout out to my mom and brother came in and helped me set up my classroom, that was so helpful!
PS: Yes, I am working as an English teacher, but that doesn't mean that all of my blog posts will be perfectly written. I'm still learning! :)

New Year!! (27 days in is still new, right?)

Right around January 2nd, I decided to write down some New Year's Resolutions. I wanted to have them posted somewhere where I wouldn't forget about them in 2 weeks time, so I have them hanging up in our room. Here's the run-down:

RESOLUTION: Visit the temple 10x: LDS temples are beautiful places. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are encouraged to attend as often as possible. This could be a different number for every person. I personally have a goal to attend the temple with Jordan 10 times this year. It is a place I feel peace and hope. It is a place my anxiety cannot thrive. It is where I learn to come closer to our Savior.

RESOLUTION: Become more flexible. I've never been particularly flexible. I realize I'm not going to become a tumbling master, but I want to become more comfortable in my movements. It is also good exercise!

RESOLUTION: Decorate Family room to where I LOVE it. This goal started because we recently painted a wall bright blue in our house. Our walls were mainly brown and tan, a pretty brown and tan, but I really wanted to brighten the rooms up (I need happy colors!). After painting the blue wall, it was obvious some other things needed to be painted and changed, hence...the resolution.

RESOLUTION: Pay off student loans. Fairly self explanatory. We want to have as little debt as possible. That is definitely a struggle, but we are working on it! Money is a source of anxiety that is hard to live with sometimes, slowly getting rid of debt is a way to help with that.

RESOLUTION: Have a good attitude about Celiac disease. I worded this resolution carefully. I didn't want it to be, "Never complain about Celiac." Why? Because for me right now, that isn't realistic. I still want to be real about my struggle. I don't want to act like it isn't hard for me to not eat donuts, (it's rough, especially when they have sprinkles!) but on the flip side, I also don't want to be someone that people don't like to be around because I complain all the time. I want to be real, but also positive. To hear about a moment when I realized how grateful I am for my disease, click here.

RESOLUTION: Perform in a public place. So, I'm a little silly. Whenever I watch a play or see people perform, internally I am saying, "I want to do that!" I imagine myself in character, what I would do, the facial expressions I would have...I have a passion for the stage and performing, but I don't have many chances to fulfill that. I made a goal to perform somewhere, whether it's church, somewhere in the community, or somewhere else. Singing is the thing I love the most, but I would love to do any sort of performance, call me silly, but I love performing!

RESOLUTION: Graduate! Do I need to say more? I can't wait for April!
It is my hope that I can write a blog post in a year and say I did all these things. Who knows, but I can dream!

PS, I'm excited to write a post about my new job!