New Year!! (27 days in is still new, right?)

Right around January 2nd, I decided to write down some New Year's Resolutions. I wanted to have them posted somewhere where I wouldn't forget about them in 2 weeks time, so I have them hanging up in our room. Here's the run-down:

RESOLUTION: Visit the temple 10x: LDS temples are beautiful places. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are encouraged to attend as often as possible. This could be a different number for every person. I personally have a goal to attend the temple with Jordan 10 times this year. It is a place I feel peace and hope. It is a place my anxiety cannot thrive. It is where I learn to come closer to our Savior.

RESOLUTION: Become more flexible. I've never been particularly flexible. I realize I'm not going to become a tumbling master, but I want to become more comfortable in my movements. It is also good exercise!

RESOLUTION: Decorate Family room to where I LOVE it. This goal started because we recently painted a wall bright blue in our house. Our walls were mainly brown and tan, a pretty brown and tan, but I really wanted to brighten the rooms up (I need happy colors!). After painting the blue wall, it was obvious some other things needed to be painted and changed, hence...the resolution.

RESOLUTION: Pay off student loans. Fairly self explanatory. We want to have as little debt as possible. That is definitely a struggle, but we are working on it! Money is a source of anxiety that is hard to live with sometimes, slowly getting rid of debt is a way to help with that.

RESOLUTION: Have a good attitude about Celiac disease. I worded this resolution carefully. I didn't want it to be, "Never complain about Celiac." Why? Because for me right now, that isn't realistic. I still want to be real about my struggle. I don't want to act like it isn't hard for me to not eat donuts, (it's rough, especially when they have sprinkles!) but on the flip side, I also don't want to be someone that people don't like to be around because I complain all the time. I want to be real, but also positive. To hear about a moment when I realized how grateful I am for my disease, click here.

RESOLUTION: Perform in a public place. So, I'm a little silly. Whenever I watch a play or see people perform, internally I am saying, "I want to do that!" I imagine myself in character, what I would do, the facial expressions I would have...I have a passion for the stage and performing, but I don't have many chances to fulfill that. I made a goal to perform somewhere, whether it's church, somewhere in the community, or somewhere else. Singing is the thing I love the most, but I would love to do any sort of performance, call me silly, but I love performing!

RESOLUTION: Graduate! Do I need to say more? I can't wait for April!
It is my hope that I can write a blog post in a year and say I did all these things. Who knows, but I can dream!

PS, I'm excited to write a post about my new job!

Why I'm (usually) Thankful for my Disease

It was just about a year ago I found out I had Celiac disease. Basically, this means I can't eat anything with wheat flour (gluten) in it. What's left? Not much. Okay, so there really is a lot that I can eat, but it is hard. A lot of foods I grew up with I am no longer able to eat. It is hard to go out to eat and basically makes preparing and eating food much more of a process (and sometimes less delicious) than it used to be.

Yesterday, I was cleaning out our pantry. I saw a box of muffin mix. The raspberry Lehi Roller Mills mix. It made me a little sad. I bought it before I was diagnosed. It was my favorite muffin mix. So very delicious. It is a bit more expensive than a regular mix, so I had bought it as a special treat long ago. Undoubtedly, it contains wheat flour. There are so many wonderful things I can't eat anymore.

As I continued to clean out the pantry, I ran across an old bowl of peppermint candies. A light bulb went on. I used to have peppermint candies everywhere. This bowl used to sit on our kitchen table, I had several in my purse, in the jockey box of my car, etc. When my stomach would hurt, I would suck on the candies. Sometimes the peppermint would help ease my stomach a little bit. I carried them with me everywhere because I never knew when something I ate would make me sick.

Remembering the peppermints and the pain reminded me how not eating gluten is worth it. Being sick is now the exception, and not the rule. I remember I used to eat and then worry that I would be miserable for the next few hours. I remember trying to make good food choices, but still getting sick. I remember waking up in the middle of the night in pain and I didn't know why.

As you can imagine, I had a lot of anxiety worrying about if I was going to get sick. I wouldn't eat in fear of being sick, and then not eating would make me sick. It was a vicious cycle.

Learning about my condition broke that anxious cycle.

This is why I can say I am thankful. I am so grateful I know the diet I need. I'm so grateful that I rarely get sick anymore. It is so very worth it.

So, as I complain about my diet, remember that underneath, I am truly grateful.

Facebook and Anxiety

As I have lived with anxiety and depression, there have been times I refuse to log onto Facebook. Why? Because there are some people who portray their lives as being perfect and flawless. At a certain point in my life, I felt like my life was falling apart. Seeing posts and pictures of others that seemed too good to be true, was very hard. I wondered, "What is wrong with me?"

Life is good, and I'm not saying we shouldn't portray that. I'm just saying that we shouldn't use social media as a way to make others jealous of us. I honestly cringe when I read posts when people boast about having things that other people yearn for. What are some of those things? A healthy relationship (#mysignificantotherissoooohot), a skinny body (#ionlyeatvegetablesandwouldntevenlookatatwinkie), a clean house (#ibetyourlivingroomdoesntlookthisgood), good looks (#lovetobebeautiful), etc.

I am not criticizing people for being in love, being healthy, or for being grateful for their blessings. What does bother me is the lack of thinking of who is reading these things. How many single people are there out there who would love to have a significant other? How many people struggle with their weight and are reminded of that through Facebook? How many people think something is wrong with them because their lives aren't as "perfect" as their friends' lives are portrayed.

I also ache because of the lack of privacy. Some of the things people post I feel should be said in private conversations, not put on the internet. Why not enjoy the things in life without feeling we need to post every single one so people know how awesome we are? Facebook is a wonderful way to keep in touch with family and friends, but there are some things that should be saved for the privacy of the home.

Honestly, I enjoy being on Facebook. I love seeing what people are up to and keeping in touch with people I wouldn't see otherwise. I just hope that people will think before they post. We can ask, "Why am I posting this?" Is it to make others jealous? Is it to prove something? If the answer to these or similar question is yes, I hope that we can post something that can uplift others, not make them look at their life and think, "Man, I stink compared to them."

I guess the thought I would like to leave is, "How are the things I am posting on Facebook affecting other people?"

This reminded me about a "Live Without Pretending" challenge read about it here.

(Also, I pray you don't find me rude for posting my thoughts. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it is okay if you don't agree with me! I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. When I thought about not posting this, I remembered Sara Bareilles's song, "Brave" :) )

Christmas is Coming!

Merry Christmas Eve!! I was driving to my mom's house yesterday, and the traffic was crazy! But, due to this, I got to see a sweet act of kindness. I was cruising along, when my light turned red, so I stopped (It's a good idea to do that when the light is red). I was right next to the right hand turning lane. I noticed a woman walking and slowly entering the crosswalk, she had a grocery bag and had probably been out shopping at one of the local grocery stores. The next thing I saw was an older woman driving her car, she was a little distracted and started to proceed to check the intersection to complete her "right on red" turn. Luckily, she noticed the woman in the crosswalk just in time and didn't hit her. The woman driving mouthed, "I'm sorry!" to the woman in the crosswalk. As you can imagine, a series of things could've happened after this. The woman walking could've done you-know-what with her finger, scowled, yelled, ignored the woman, or any number of other things. Instead, I saw her lips say, "That's okay, Merry Christmas!" and she happily walked across the remainder of the intersection. I looked at the woman in the car beside me, and she too had a smile on her face. Witnessing that small thing filled me with the Spirit of Christmas. I pray we can remember the "Reason for the Season" and be just a little bit kinder to one another. Merry Christmas!!

"He is the Reason for the Season, He is the Light that shines on our lives. The baby Jesus, born in God's Grace, so we all might rejoice on this day."

Are you having a difficult time this Christmas? Are you not feeling very 'merry?' You're not alone! Click here to read last year's Christmas post.

Let It Go

There aren't a lot of movies that we spend money on to go see in the theater. Usually, we just wait until the movie comes to Redbox. But, occasionally there are movies that are too good to pass up the ginormous screen for. Disney's Frozen is one of those movies. I would even go to the theater more than once! Now that is rare.

 

Because I have anxiety and depression and I blog about it, I often find links and connections between things in life or portrayed in movies and depression. In this movie, it was the song, "Let it Go." A little background, Elsa (one of the main characters) was born with an incredible power (some call it a curse) to create snow and ice with the flick of her hand. As a child, she and her sister, Anna, would play in the snow that Elsa created. Then, one day, Elsa accidentally injures Anna with her power. It is after that that she is told she must keep her powers a secret. She can't let anyone know what she can do. She is told she must be strong and "not feel." In order to keep her sister and others safe, Elsa stays shut in her room for years trying to learn how to control her power. 

 

What I found interesting, was that the more she tried to hide and control it, the worse it became. The more she told herself to not feel, the more uncontrollable the power became.  

 

After a series of events, there is a moment when Elsa is unable to control her power in front of a large group of people. They find out about her powers and many consider her a "monster." In order to keep others safe, she runs away to a high mountain. It is here that she finds happiness as she "Lets it Go." (And sings an absolutely INCREDIBLE song, seriously, if you want chills, listen to it) On this mountain, she is able to use her powers without worry. She builds amazing and beautiful things. She creates a gorgeous castle from ice and finally feels free.

 

But what had changed? Why were her powers doing amazing things now? Why were they not hurting anyone? Why? Because she stopped worrying about it, and let it go. She stopped trying to control and hide her powers and let them go.    

 

I have been the person sitting in my room before, clenching my eyes tightly trying to control the thoughts in my mind. Trying to force things in and out, trying to keep it in and fix my insides. I've been the person to wait months before I told loved ones how much I was struggling in fear of embarrassment. I have been the person crying and wondering what happened to my life and wondering why I can't just fix everything in my head. I have been the girl who shut loved ones out in fear of hurting them. I have been the one trying to control my mind and make it do what I want.

 

I have also been the girl to "Let it Go." It's easier said than done, but I have found that I can let it go. This blog is one way that I do that. I write about it. I try to not keep it hidden. I try to let it go. As I have mentioned before, talking about it helps so much.

 

When I was younger and I would worry non-stop about things, my mom told me to "float." What she meant was, imagine yourself in the clouds or in water, and just float. Whenever a worry comes to your mind, just float. Don't fight it, just float. Just breathe and remember, they are just thoughts. Float. This is another way I let it go.

 

As I let it go, I find myself closer to my loved ones, not further away. While some people may not understand depression, (and I don't blame them, it's weird!) I have come to not be afraid of people knowing I deal with it.

 

When I let it go, my anxiety and depression can actually do beautiful things, such as this blog. My anxiety and depression have made me a much more compassionate and kind person. They have taught me not to judge others. When I let it go, my "curse" can actually be a beautiful thing.

 

"Let It Go"

 

"Couldn’t keep it in, Heaven knows I tried. Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. Well now they know! Let it go! Can’t hold it in anymore.

I don’t care what they’re going to say, let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway.

The fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all.

Here I stand in the light of day, let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway." 

"Like a Broken Vessel" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Part 3

In talking about depression, Elder Holland stated, "...today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person's ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and thing more positively-though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!"

I hope if you know someone with anxiety or depression, you realize that they're not just choosing to feel that way. I can't really explain it, but for some reason, you can't choose to just "snap out of it." It's not just a bad day or a bad week, it is, as Elder Holland stated, "a crater in the mind."

I guess one small bit of advice I can give is that if you have anxiety or depression, don't feel guilty about it. I realize this is easier said than done, but try to remember that you aren't choosing to feel this way, it is just something you are dealing with for a time. Do your best, but realize your best may not be as much as you wish it could be at the moment. Remember you are doing the best you can and you should never feel you are a bad person because of your condition.

I remember when I was feeling very deep feelings of depression, I would see bubbly or enthusiastic people, and almost feel angry. I knew I had been a happy person who saw the glass "half full." At this time though, I felt like my class wasn't only half empty, but completely drained and dry. I felt guilty when I would see people enjoying life. I figured I was being ungrateful and letting my life waste away. As I've learned more about depression, I realize that you shouldn't ever feel guilt because of it. Just like the flu or diabetes, it doesn't make you less of a person, it is just something you experience. While I still have hard days and I can't say I am "over" depression, most days I can see the glass half full (and maybe even full to the brim!)

To read Elder Holland's full talk, click here.

To read parts 1 and 2 of this series, please click here and here.

Confession

In some of my spare time, I enjoy playing Candy Crush. Why? I call it 'Bejeweled' on steroids. It's fun. It's a great combination of skill and luck. Why am I talking about this on my blog about anxiety? I'll explain.
Sometimes when my mind is running every which way with worries and fears, Candy Crush serves as a way to help me focus on something other than my anxieties.

A relative of mine recently mentioned that this same game had helped her through some hard days. Isn't that funny? There were days it was really hard to sit in class, so I would play Candy Crush. It made sitting in there bearable and made the time go by faster. Sometimes with anxiety or depression, your mind never rests. It is constantly thinking of negative, scary, or undesirable things. As long as it is used correctly, a game can serve as a rest for the brain.

Sometimes I feel a little bit embarrassed that I play a cell phone game. But, the other day, I started to think, "Why am I embarrassed?" We all have things that help us to relax or distract us for a few minutes. Candy Crush is one of the things that sometimes helps me on a difficult day.

Just a few notes for those of you who may play...
1. Level 147 is making me crazy. I have been on it forever.
2. My favorite move is when you combine a brown candy and a striped candy, it's so awesome. This move is second only to combining two brown candies. Magic.
3. Combining a striped candy and a packaged candy is pretty neat too.
4. Isn't it so obnoxious when you could beat the level if you only had ONE MORE MOVE!? So aggravating.
5. The timed levels are my favorite.
If you don't play Candy Crush, you might be thinking I'm a bit crazy by now. If you do play, you're probably nodding your head to the items in this list.

Disclaimer! Similar to this post, I am not telling you to waste away your life playing games on your phone or computer. What I am saying is that sometimes a distraction is okay. We should never let it get out of control, spend all our time doing it, or shirk off responsibilities, but I do believe that, at times, these things have a place. Playing a game should never replace family or friend time, but it can help pass time through hard moments.